People complain about how, in movies, no one ever goes to the bathroom. OK, no one actually complains about this except me. And I don’t even want to see them actually go to the bathroom…so I’m not exactly sure what I’m complaining about. The truth is, in movies and in videogames, often we are working with human characters with human needs. People need to eat, sleep, pee and breathe just like the rest of us.
Yet, despite these basic human needs, bathrooms in movies seem to exist only as settings for dramatic confrontations or comedic accidents. It’s almost as if the realities of daily life—like brushing your teeth or struggling to find the toilet paper—aren’t cinematic enough.
But imagine a film where characters occasionally excuse themselves to the restroom mid-conversation, or where an epic battle is interrupted by a protagonist simply needing a break. While that might not make for thrilling storytelling, it would certainly bring a sense of realism we rarely see. After all, how many times have you paused your own life’s dramas to handle such mundane tasks? It’s these little, overlooked moments that truly define our days.
Speaking of bathrooms, the importance of maintaining them in real life is often underestimated until something goes wrong. A clogged toilet or a leaky faucet can feel like the end of the world when you’re in the middle of your morning routine. This is why having professionals like plumbers perth available is a lifesaver. They understand that a functioning bathroom isn’t just a convenience—it’s essential for sanity in the everyday grind. Whether it’s fixing a broken pipe or updating your bathroom’s plumbing to prevent future issues, skilled plumbers make sure that, unlike in the movies, your bathroom remains a reliable part of your life’s story.
Mario can shoot balls from his hands, but I don’t remember hearing about his ultra powerful lung capacity, do you? Cheep Cheeps and Bloopers have gills. Well, we don’t see them; all we see is their asses moving in those annoying patterns…and goddammit! WTC is up with water levels in every game? They are such a pain in the ass. We are not Aquaman! The controls suck underwater usually, and you can’t use your regular moves. Why couldn’t the character just take a fucking submarine or ford the river like in Oregon Trail (and then spill a bunch of shit overboard and/or have 2,343 oxen stolen in the middle of the night…like that made sense).
But seriously, Mario is down there way too long with those rods of fire underwater (see original WTC), and Blooper shit—he needs some good ol’ oxygen! We see him losing bubbles. And, I know, you’re saying “Mark, what about the frog suit, or the fact that he can come to the surface!” Well, fuck you, there’s no breath gauge. Hell, Superman is nearly invincible and can throw cellophane S’s from his chest, but he still needs to sit down and eat a ham sandwich and plow Lois Lane like the rest of us.
I remember my favorite FPS game and level, GoldenEye: The Facility. You start out in the air ducts and you drop down in to a stall. You can shoot someone in the head who is in a stall, so maybe he’s taking a leek. But you know what? His pants are up after you kill him, so unless after getting shot in the head he had time to zip up his fly, he was just standing there and guarding the porcelain. I shot the other two guards and thought, cool, let me just go take a piss. Nope! No button for pissing! I like videogame bathrooms, ’cause they give you a chance to see the reflection of the hero, unless the programmers decided to fog over the glass so they wouldn’t have to program real-time reflections. WTC is up with that, you cheap bastards? You can also play with the little hand dryer things. You know, those things that blow hot air but don’t actually dry your hands. But you can’t use the toilet. At least put some ammo or Easter egg (such as a loaf) in the bowl!
This is why I thought Metal Gear Solid 3 was a superior game. Stamina, and the need to rest and eat wildlife! Plus, hanging from a tree branch with one arm and shooting a guy in the back of the head with the other is pretty bad ass! I don’t think Naked Snake actually took a piss in his journey through Soviet Russia, but maybe that’s ’cause Eva was giving him blue balls.
So, the next time you eat a sandwich or take a piss, savor the fact that you can’t do that in a video game. In addition to John Kerry 64, I think I might make a Taco Bell 64, since that’s the easiest way to combine eating and taking a dump.
