People complain about how, in movies, no one ever goes to the bathroom. OK, no one actually complains about this except me. And I don’t even want to see them actually go to the bathroom…so I’m not exactly sure what I’m complaining about. The truth is, in movies and in videogames, often we are working with human characters with human needs. People need to eat, sleep, pee and breathe just like the rest of us.
Mario can shoot balls from his hands, but I don’t remember hearing about his ultra powerful lung capacity, do you? Cheep Cheeps and Bloopers have gills. Well, we don’t see them; all we see is their asses moving in those annoying patterns…and goddammit! WTC is up with water levels in every game? They are such a pain in the ass. We are not Aquaman! The controls suck underwater usually, and you can’t use your regular moves. Why couldn’t the character just take a fucking submarine or ford the river like in Oregon Trail (and then spill a bunch of shit overboard and/or have 2,343 oxen stolen in the middle of the night…like that made sense).
But seriously, Mario is down there way too long with those rods of fire underwater (see original WTC), and Blooper shit—he needs some good ol’ oxygen! We see him losing bubbles. And, I know, you’re saying “Mark, what about the frog suit, or the fact that he can come to the surface!” Well, fuck you, there’s no breath gauge. Hell, Superman is nearly invincible and can throw cellophane S’s from his chest, but he still needs to sit down and eat a ham sandwich and plow Lois Lane like the rest of us.
I remember my favorite FPS game and level, GoldenEye: The Facility. You start out in the air ducts and you drop down in to a stall. You can shoot someone in the head who is in a stall, so maybe he’s taking a leek. But you know what? His pants are up after you kill him, so unless after getting shot in the head he had time to zip up his fly, he was just standing there and guarding the porcelain. I shot the other two guards and thought, cool, let me just go take a piss. Nope! No button for pissing! I like videogame bathrooms, ’cause they give you a chance to see the reflection of the hero, unless the programmers decided to fog over the glass so they wouldn’t have to program real-time reflections. WTC is up with that, you cheap bastards? You can also play with the little hand dryer things. You know, those things that blow hot air but don’t actually dry your hands. But you can’t use the toilet. At least put some ammo or Easter egg (such as a loaf) in the bowl!
This is why I thought Metal Gear Solid 3 was a superior game. Stamina, and the need to rest and eat wildlife! Plus, hanging from a tree branch with one arm and shooting a guy in the back of the head with the other is pretty bad ass! I don’t think Naked Snake actually took a piss in his journey through Soviet Russia, but maybe that’s ’cause Eva was giving him blue balls.
So, the next time you eat a sandwich or take a piss, savor the fact that you can’t do that in a video game. In addition to John Kerry 64, I think I might make a Taco Bell 64, since that’s the easiest way to combine eating and taking a dump.