Paul: Hello everyone, and welcome back to the BEST goshdarn sports entertainment this side of G.L.O.W.—Digital Championship Wrestling. I’m Paul Franzen, and with me, once again, forever, and ever, and ever, and always, is “Captain” Eric Regan.
Eric: You know, I almost did the color commentary for G.L.O.W. Consider yourself lucky I stayed with this fabulous institution, Chuckles!
Paul: Chuckles? You really are part of the problem.
Eric: That sounds awfully familiar….
Paul: We’re still without an arena here in DCW, as James Pond completely destroyed the only place we’ve called home some months back.
Eric: So then what is this place! It looks awfully like an arena to me.
Paul: Why Eric, this just so happens to be the home of Ultimate Fighting Championship, in Las Vegas, Nevada!
Paul: Hells yeah indeed! For the first time in Digital Championship Wrestling history, we’re bringing to you, the many and abundant fan, an mixed-martial-arts-style matchup, live from the place that made MMA popular.
Eric: So what two digital titans are up to the task of being true MMA superstars?!
Paul: I’m glad you asked! We’ve lined up two veritable superstars to battle it out in the octagon and, once and for all, answer the age old question:
Paul: Who’s better—ninjas, or pirates?
Eric: No one can match the tenacity of a pirate! But those sneaky bastards called ninjas are masters of deception.
Paul: And here they come now! Representing those dastardly, treacherous pirates of the Caribbean is that loveable heartthrob of the Monkey Island series, Guybrush Threepwood!
Eric: And to represent those shadow ninjas it is…Karate Champ! Wait…really? Karate Champ? Team Ninja? Were there some last minute cancellations?
Paul: Well, you know, we needed to sign someone who could stand up and fight evenly against the one-and-only Mr. Wood…and who better than…uh…that…blue guy from that NES game!
Eric: Very true, Chuckles! This EPIC encounter is just about to get underway, and I for one just can’t wait to see how this one unfolds
Paul: Stop it with the Chuckles, ERIC! It’s not funny!
Eric: I am just trying to make the fan happy, Chuckles.
Paul: Sometimes it’s not about the fan, ERIC. Sometimes it’s about my personal happiness. And you’re invading it.
Eric: Ooh, I see. Mr. Franzen doesn’t care about the fans; he would rather feel better about himself than entertain the heart and soul of DCW. I SEE NOW!
Paul: My name isn’t Chuckles, goddammit.
Paul: But c’mon, let’s get to the match!
Eric: The two heroes are circling each other, both looking rather indecisive.. who will make the first move? And BAM! There it is. Karate Champ plants a flying knee right on the chin of Guybrush, who has NO answer, and is on his feet still, but staggering.
Paul: Guybrush steps back a few feet and, using his long reach to his advantage, sends a few wild kicks hurtling towards the Champ. However, they all completely miss.
Eric: That Guybrush sure is smoooooooooooooooooooothe.
Eric: The Champ rushes in towards Mr. Threepwood hoping to land a few hard chops. But the pirate avoids them and is able to SLAM Mr. Karate into the mat.
Paul: And Guybrush uses those long legs to lock in a triangle choke! Could this matchup be over already?
Eric: Ooh, but look at that! He worms his way out of the choke and locks in his own submission: the dreaded ARMBAR!
Paul: Chris Jericho’s move 127, I believe! Someone’s obviously taken Y2J to lion-heart.
Eric: Yeah Chuckles, real nice there. You ruptured some blood vessels with that one.
Paul: You better knock that off right now, Regan.
Paul: Funny you should mention ruptured blood vessels, as ‘wood appears to now be bleeding from the arm! Must’ve gotten all torn up by the Karate Champ’s deadly move.
Eric: Ouch! But the mighty pirate still has some fight left in him and manages to slip out of that devastating maneuver.
Eric: Time is quickly running down in this round, Paul! Someone needs to take control of this fight, and fast.
Paul: The two grapplers are upright again, facing off, throwing punches at one another that are hitting nothing but solid air. The Karate Champ comes real, real close to landing one, however, he doesn’t, and the momentum of the punch sends him face-first down onto the mat.
Eric: These are two of the most highly honed athletes you will be able to find today!
Paul: Guybrush goes to apply another hold to the Karate Champ, and trips and falls down to the mat as well.
Eric: The two fallen stars moan and groan as they try to make it back to their feet…and there is the bell! A truly pathetic end to the first round.
Paul: Both combatants are going to their respective corners to take a breather after that HELLACIOUS first round, and I’d like to take this time to thank a few of our sponsors:
Paul: The Gates of Life—Which gate do YOU choose?
Paul: Captain Eric’s Super Thumb Feature Presentation—It’s…uhh…thumbTASTIC? I forget how that one goes.
Eric: It is THUMBtastic.
Paul: AND FINALLY:
Paul: The Vana’diel Diaries—Some of the geekiest writing you will ever, ever read. And that’s a compliment.
Eric: And after a quick rest the hardened warriors are back in the center of it all again!
Paul: The Karate Champ wastes absolutely no time in unleashing some of his crazed ninjitsu or whatever onto the mighty pirate Guybrush, who, and this is probably not the best defense, takes it and gets the absolute snot kicked out of him.
Eric: And Guybrush’s nose spills blood all over the canvas! It’s a six pier brawl!
Paul: Pier six! Man, you never could get that one right. What a scam you are.
Eric: You’re the scam, Chuckles!
Paul: Your face is the scam, REGAN. YF. THE SCAM.
Eric: Oh no. If I were in grade school I would be deeply offended.
Eric: Guybrush looks to change his luck as his he performs his patented charging jumping headbutt OF DOOM.
Eric: It promptly misses, and his head meets mat yet again.
Paul: Karate Champ applies a full nelson headlock to Guybrush, who’s screaming like a little girl and crying for some chick named “Elaine,” but doing nothing that would actually be considered trying to break the hold.
Paul: Except for this! He’s pulling himself and the Champ closer and closer to the steel cage lining of the octagon!
Paul: Guybrush has his fingers locked into the rings of the cage, and he appears to be…pulling himself up it!
Eric: Ah, yes. Even in a non-wrestling environment, we still need some cage climbin’ action!
Paul: Guybrush is making his way up the steel cage, with the Karate Champ still clinging on to his full nelson! I sure hope he’s thought this one through, as I can see this only ending badly.
Eric: Oh but wait, Guybrush just missed a rung! He and the Champ coming crashing to the floor! OUCH. Thankfully for the ‘BRUSH, Karate Champ took the brunt of that fall.
Paul: Referee Marty Jannetty is checking on both grapplers to see if they can continue the match. Guybrush looks fine, but the Karate Champ…he’s a different story.
Eric: That one move might have made a winner out of a loser! Err, I mean, a winner out of Mr. Threepwood!
Paul: And…yes folks, I do believe the Karate Champ is knocked out cold! Jannetty is signaling for our crack squad of EMTs to dispose of…take CARE of the fighting champ, and now he’s calling for ring announcer Dawn Marie to enter the octagon.
Paul: Dawn Marie enters, and Marty whispers something into her ear…and, as the EMTs are carrying the Karate Champ away on a stretcher, Marty walks over and…raises his hand?!
Eric: What is the meaning of this crap!? How in the hell….
Dawn Marie: Your winner of the match, via disqualification: The Karate Champ!
Paul: Hang on Eric, I’m getting word in my headset that…YES, in MMA rules, it’s actually illegal to start scaling one of the ring’s walls.
Eric: Hmm. That sounds fishy to me.
Eric: Wall-scaling is one of the great actives our nation was founded on!
Paul: Well Eric, I’ve gotta say that was one of the biggest letdowns in DCW history!
Paul: What a flaccid ending to an otherwise EXTREME matchup!
Eric: Oh yes, MAXTREEEME TO THE HARDCORE.
Eric: It was like watching an episode of ECW on Sci-Fi.
Paul: And that about wraps it up for this month’s edition of Digital Championship Wrestling! As our winner is being carried out on a stretcher and as our loser still quite sure what happened, it’s about time to tune out.
Eric: So the lesson for today is: Pirates get screwed! DONT BE A PIRATE, KIDDIES!
Paul: Even if they are way, way cooler than ninjas. I guess this match didn’t really solve anything.
Eric: Friggin DQs ruin EVERYONE’S fun.
Paul: Well would you prefer the sticklertude of Marty Jannetty, or the all around lazicide of Pete Gas?
Eric: I’ll go with the Rocker any day.
Paul: Right! We’re out! Tune in next month when we’ll be LIVE from Eric’s backyard to decide, once and for all, who is the absolute wussiest Final Fantasy character of all time. You WON’T wanna miss it.
Eric: Don’t worry—none shall escape! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Paul: Goodnight everybody!