On the date of August 24th, 2005, I was caught with my pants down in front of a cop car that had been set on fire, while holding a book of matches in one hand and a tank of gasoline in the other. As part of my community service, I’ve been ordered to bestow my vast knowledge upon the gaming masses.
Dear zack
Alot of my friends think Gamecube sux but I like gamecube its my favorite system. what should I do
sincerly,
Father Time
Dear Father Time,
I’ll assume by your grammar that you’re either eight years old, or you’re an inter-dimensional traveler who has stumbled onto our Internet, and picked up just enough English to write your message from several hours of browsing.
I know that this “Gamecube” you’ve read about may sound like a futuristic device for transferring enjoyment into your brain, but the reality is that GameCube is far from enjoyable for any considerable length of time.
This may come is a shock from someone who has always been an advocate for Nintendo, but I haven’t bothered with anything from Nintendo past the SNES. Well, except for Virtual Boy, but only because I liked the idea of a system that only had games programmed exclusively in red so that you couldn’t tell when your eye sockets inevitably starting bleeding.
So for some advice, I’ll just say that you should either get some new friends, throw out your GameCube, or stop caring about something as silly as liking the same console as everyone else.
Seriously though, next time you pick a favorite system, try to pick one that actually plays DVDs, and doesn’t suck.
-Zack
Dearest Zack,
I love Mario Party. Love, love, love, love Mario Party. I thought my friends did, too, but I think they’ve been misleading me. One actually told me the other day that he’s “all Mario Partied out,” as if there is such a thing. This makes life difficult for me, especially with Mario Party 7, as there’s still TONS of things left for me to unlock, but I’ve no one left to help me unlock things, and Mario Party’s just boring when I’m playing by myself.
Please advise!
Furthest Thing From a Party Pooper
Dear Furthest Thing From a Party Pooper,
I used to be for the inclusion of unlockables in videogames. They increase replay value, and they add a new level of difficulty for better gamers who aren’t content with simply beating the game. But that was back when the only things to unlock were a hidden character or two, or perhaps a new level. Now, you’ve got games where you have to play for hours on end just to give your character a new hat.
Take Grand Theft Auto, for example (except for parts one and two). GTA is one of my favorite games, as stomping the elderly has always been something that I am adamantly for. Is it really worth the time and effort to find one hundred little packages just so I can get some free weapons? I know that free weapons (and tanks, and helicopters, etc….) are pretty kickass, but if you didn’t use any sort of map or guide to get those packages, you’re not an accomplished gamer—you’re a dumbass, and Sony has just tricked you from leaving your house for a week’s worth of hours.
Unlockables can be fun, but you shouldn’t feel like you need to get them all. There is no one who is going to be impressed by it who is worth impressing. Of course Mario Party is boring when you play with yourself, but if you spend too much time trying to unlock shit in videogames, you’ll be stuck playing with yourself for many more years to come.
-Zack
