Paul: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the brand SPANKIN’ new DCW arena! Dubbed “The James Pond Memorial Colliseum,” our new crib has all of the state-of-the-art amenities—and yes, that does include cup holders on each and every seat.
Eric: Ooooooooh yeeeeeeeeah! We spared NO expense!
Paul: You mean our sponsors spared no expense! I’d just like to give a quick shout-out to “testgame.Exe: Making the Adventure” and “The Grass is Always…,” without whom none, absolutely none, of this would even be possible.
Eric: Nice job with the plugs.
Eric: Very tasteful.
Paul: And speaking of plugs, why don’t you all check out “Be Careful What You Search For“—the “plug” to that void in your life.
Eric: Ouch man, OUCH. That one was just painful.
Eric: Anything else you need to shill?
Paul: I think what we really need to do is ring in the new arena with its very matchup!
Eric: YES! That is exactly right Paul! A christening of blood! It will truly be a sight to behold! An epic encounter between two other worldly titans! This is a night that will not be soon forgotten! VIVO DCW.
Paul: But before we get to that, let’s bring the fan up-to-date!
Eric: Wait, shouldnt THE fan already know what’s going on? What kind of THE fan misses even a single moment of DCW action?!
Paul: Our original arena was destroyed in the spring of this year, toward the tail end of a vicious encounter between Wander (Shadow of the Colossus) and Jack Russell (Radiata Stories) that saw James Pond (James Pond) run in, hang from the rafters, and literally pull apart the entire building.
Paul: Since then we’ve been traveling from scenic locale to scenic locale, bringing the action worldwide, showcasing our talent in none other than the Jersey Shore, an MMA battlefield, and Eric’s backyard, among other places.
Paul: And now, the time has come, at last, for us to have a home once again. Let’s hold hands and savor the moment.
Eric: Can I gag yet?
Paul: There’s no time for gagging, Eric—we’ve got a match that’s raring to take place!
Eric: Oh really!? What two lucky warriors have we chosen to be etched in the minds of all the DCW faithful!
Eric: The two who will forever be remembered in this arena and be held up to a higher standard for the rest of their careers!
Eric: The two who will never be forgotten and live on in the lore of DCW years and years!
Eric: WHO are we bestowing this GIFT of IMMORTALITY too!?
Paul: Tonight, in this very ring…or at least, in this very arena…we’ve set our sights on settling a dispute that’s been raging on for nigh-on a month.
Paul: Ever since those two Final Fantasy heroes had tea and cookies in Eric’s kitchen.
Paul: The fan demanded closure, Eric!
Eric: Goddamn fan.
Eric: I really need to have a talking with them.
Paul: The fan did not like the way our last match ended, with the two combatants willing to call it a draw.
Eric: I didn’t like the way it ended either! But I certainly don’t need see another sparkle-clad giggle-fest in our GREAT NEW arena!
Paul: The fan’s demands come before yours, Eric! It is now time for SEPHIROTH VS. ZIDANE.
Paul: And, this being the first match ever in the James Pond Memorial Coliseum, we wanted to do something sorta special.
Eric: Of course! YES!!
Eric: Maybe a Bed of Blades match??
Paul: So we’re not just having Sephiroth vs. Zidane in a regular ol’ one-on-one match.
Eric: Or a a Razor Pendulum match??
Paul: We’ve signed the most appropriate match imaginable, considering how our arena came to be—
Eric: Who Can Sustain the Highest Degree Burns Inferno match??
Eric: SOMETHING COOL!! PLEASE!
Paul: —a SCAFFOLD MATCH.
Eric: Oh god.
Eric: A Scaffold match??
Paul: A Scaffold match.
Eric: Who are the braintrusts that come up with this.
Paul: I’ll just assume that was a rhetorical question.
Paul: Why don’t you tell the fan at home what a Scaffold match is, Eric?
Eric: I believe the two digital “warriors” fight on top of the scaffold, and whoever falls off first LOSE.
Eric: PURE EXCITEMENT TO THE TWENTY SIXTH POWER!!
Eric: Maybe I missed something, though; is this like a special POOL OF BLOOD Scaffold match?
Paul: No, it’s just a Scaffold match!
Eric: Or like maybe a Razor-toothed Wurm Lives in the Pit Just Below the Scaffold…match?
Paul: Definitely just a scaffold match.
Eric: Oh. Right.
Eric: I CAN’T WAIT!!
Eric: Is it at least a MAAAAAAAAAXXXXXXXXXXTREME Scaffold match?
Eric: Maybe like some chairs, barbed wire….
Paul: Oh, wait!
Eric: Straps? Big traffic lights?
Paul: I’m getting word from the back!
Eric: Cement trucks? Lumberjacks?
Paul: They’ve got an update on what match we’re holding! They’re telling me…
Eric: Ooh baby! Here it comes!
Eric: WHAT MAN, WHAT! A TANK OF HUNGRY SHARKS?
Paul: …it’s a scaffold match! Oh, huzzah!
Eric: GODDAMN THEM.
Eric: They are sooo on my uncool list.
Eric: SO ON IT!
Eric: So I suppose we should get this extravaganza underway! Don’t want to keep THE fan waiting any longer for this MUCH anticipated matchup.
Paul: Zidane and Sephiroth approach the scaffold together. It’s apparent that neither are really looking forward to this, and, quite frankly, that they’ve enjoyed the friendship they’ve built over the past month.
Eric: I am going to go sob in the corner.
Paul: Timidly they approach the scaffold, and YES, they are now both ON the scaffold! This matchup is underway!
Eric: I have a feeling the audience will feel over six times the pain that either of this combatants will.
Paul: Zidane and Sephiroth bow to each other, bow to the audience, and then, in a moment that will no doubt live on in all our lives as the moment that really clearly showed what kind of a man Sephiroth really is, the Final Fantasy VII villain pushes Zidane right off the scaffold.
Eric: That’s it??
Eric: What kind of MATCH is this!?
Paul: This matchup is over!
Paul: And your winner is Sephiroth.
Eric: It didn’t even start yet!
Paul: It’s over!
Eric: And looking around…I still see no razor toothed wurms.
Paul: Well, that’s about all we’ve got for you this month in Digital Championship Wrestling!
Eric: Worst. Match. Ever
Eric: But look on the bright side!: Next month will just be THAT MUCH BETTER!!
Paul: You’re damn right it will be! For “Captain” Eric Regan I’m Paul Franzen, and we’ll see you next month!