If you had the choice, which of the following would you rather do?:
a) Escape from a blood-soaked prison using various weapons to blow away demons spawned seemingly directly from hell, or
b) Skip through golden meadows with your companions Fluffy the Bunny and Happy the Unicorn searching for rainbows and friendship.
If you chose “a”, then you’re me. If you chose “b”, than you’re my wife, Christy. Therefore, for the amusement of all you readers out there, I chose “a” for her. The game in question this month is The Suffering: Ties That Bind. As always, what follows is the actual transcript of her first (and most likely only) play through of this game.
The Suffering: Ties That Bind for Microsoft Xbox
I stealthily walk over and obscure the game I’m holding. Christy is looking warily at me and holding the Xbox controller like it was a bag of two-headed gorgons spitting fire instead of a hunk of plastic.
Travis: Ask me what game we’re playing.
C: What game are we playing?
T: The Suffering: Ties That Bind.
C: Hmm. Sounds like a very happy, sunny game.
T: [Laughing] It is a very sunny game.
C: Are there puppies? [Note: There are dogs in this game, they’re just freakish and mutated and have creepy heads.]
T: Well, yeah. Sort of. OK, pay attention. This is the opening movie.
What follows is about two straight minutes of horrific sounds and imagery. Christy pipes in occasionally and it goes something like this:
C: [Silence] Oh, God. [Silence] Oh my God, what is that? [Silence] Who thought up this game? [Long silence] I mean, look at that thing! Whoever it is, they’re fucking disturbed.
T: OK, now that’s over. Choose “new game.” [She immediately goes to the continue option, making me very nervous that she’s going to screw my game up.] No, honey. Don’t continue my game. New game. [Slightly frantic now] Up! Push up on the controller! [She finally gets to new game, and chooses the “easy” difficulty.]
T: That’s right. You go directly to easy. ‘Cause you are easy.
C: Went straight for that shit. I’m not starting out on anything called “nightmare”.
T: Might as well call easy the “girl” difficulty.
C: [Laughing] Shut up! Besides, I don’t think girls were their primary target demographic here.
The opening sequence begins with our anti-hero Torque in prison playing chess.
C: Ohhh, that must be our brooding hero. And playing chess, no less. You know, if they’re going to make your character evil, why do you always have to be Hannibal Lector-level genius? I wanna be dumb evil. Like a retarded serial killer or something.
T: Very PC, honey. It would be sweet to play as like, Leatherface or something. Just rrrrrrrRAAAAwith the chainsaw and your victims would be like, “Oh my God, don’t kill me!” But you wouldn’t care ’cause you’re a fucking chainsaw-wielding maniac.
C: I think my guy looks like Wolverine.
T: Do you like the scratchy, old-timey look of the camera?
C: Not really. I don’t like old movies. I—hey! That’s no homemade shiv he’s [Torque] got! [She starts talking for her guy because he’s mute in the game.] Don’t talk about my woman like that! You see my cool shiv? I’ll fucking shiv you! And also get checkmate! Bitch!
I basically spend the next five minutes trying to explain that the left stick is for moving and the right stick is for looking. Needless to say, she never really nails this concept down very well.
C: Hey! This button makes me jump! [Cue her jumping randomly all around the jail.] Where are my weapons?
T: You don’t have any yet. You really can’t do anything.
C: [Long pause] I can jump.
Seeing as I have no response to this logic, I remain silent until a door blows out from a cell ahead, causing her to scream. Loudly.
T: Go in there.
C: I don’t want to. [She finally picks up a gun] Fuckin’ a! Now we’re talking!
At this point, a disturbing creature with long, thin blades for arms and legs scuttles in and starts spider-walking all over the walls and ceiling. Christy fires wildly, completely depleting her ammo in an act eerily reminiscent of when she did the exact same thing playing Resident Evil 4 a few months back. The thing eviscerates her immediately. It’s here that our cat, Phyrus, jumps onto the coffee table and knocks over the recorder.
C: Bad kitty! Bad kitty! [Her form of punishment is to pick him up and rub her nose with his nose.] Awww! You didn’t mean to, did you? You probably just don’t want me playing this stupid game, huh? C’mere Prince fluffy tails. [Not making this up.]
The game sits forgotten. She got approximately seven minutes and two monsters in before surrendering. Just a tad bit longer than she lasted in Resident Evil 4. Jesus Christ.
Christy’s Alternative Pick of the Month
[Note: Since she forgot to write her alternative pick of the month, I’m doing it for her. I happen to know the game she intended to suggest was Nintendogs.]
“If you’re not an icky boy and want something non-killerific, rent Nintendogs for your Nintendo DS. If you’re like me, you’ll spend a couple of freakishly obsessive weeks with your dog, annoying your loved ones by randomly yelling commands to your virtual pet while they simply just want to hear a little fucking Family Feud. Then, fold up your DS after those few weeks and starve your beloved pet to death by firmly ignoring him and not playing this retarded game. And make sure to glare at your husband/boyfriend for saying things like, ‘Fuck, are you ever going to play that game again?'”
Well, that’s it for this month! Jesus, it takes so long just to get her in the game and then she only plays it for ten minutes. Next month is my turn. That god-awful Animal Crossing has been giving me the stink-eye, so maybe I’ll play that shit pile why she screams over my shoulder that I planted the wrong flowers or something. Should be a time. For now, we remain…