Digital Championship Wrestling: Ness vs. Sakura in a Chutes and Ladders Match

Paul: They're hanging from the rafters here in the new James Pond Memorial Coliseum, and who can blame them, after last month's EPIC scaffold match?

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Paul: They’re hanging from the rafters here in the new James Pond Memorial Coliseum, and who can blame them, after last month’s EPIC scaffold match?

Eric: Me. I can

Eric: Did you drug them! Why would anyone show up after that SNOOZEfest.

Paul: Hello everyone I’m Paul Franzen alongside “Captain” Eric Regan, and, as always, we’ve got one HELL of a matchup here for you tonight.

Eric: You ALWAYS say that, MR. Franzen!

Eric: I sure hope you are prepared to deliver.

Eric: DELIVER!!

Paul: Name ONE time when we failed to deliver.

Eric: Two words: tea party

Eric: And that is all I have to say about that.

Paul: MAXXXTREME tea party, you mean.

Eric: ONWARD! TO ACTION

Paul: What we’ve got for you tonight, loyal DCW fan, is our FIRST EVER tables, ladders and…no, sorry, I’m reading this wrong….

Eric: Oooh HELL yeah! We don’t need any tired clichés here!

ladchPaul: ACTUALLY, it’s the first ever CHUTES and ladders match!

Paul: …Chutes and ladders match? What the hell does that mean?

Eric: Well…I uhh…am not sure….

Eric: But it has to be great—all kids LOVE that board game!

Eric: Every single one of them.

Paul: Well let’s see now….I see that our ring is raised up on four pillars…and that there’s a ladder in the middle, and several “chutes” leading down to the floor.

Eric: Wow, that sure is quite the site! If only the fan at home could see this beauty!

Paul: And there appears to be something suspended from the rafters, but I can’t quite make out what it is…

Paul: BUT, I’m assuming our valiant veterans must scale the ladder and grab whatever it is!

Eric: Is it a nice home-cooked meal?

Eric: It has to be, right? It’s not like we give belts or trophies or anything like that here at the finest second-rate digital wrestling federation around!

Paul: From what I’m told that is a damn fine ham sandwich suspended from the ceiling, lovingly donated by the good folks at Cooking Mama! Probably way better than any of these guys can afford on what we’re paying them.

Eric: Nice, we pay them now? Good deal.

Eric: SO! Who are the combatants in this ground-breaking new match! I bet they are two real badasses, huh.

Paul: WELL Eric, I have no idea who that little girl is….

Eric: What? Little girl?!

hamPaul: …But that small boy is definitely Ness, the baseball bat-wielding hero from Earthbound and Super Smash Bros.!

Eric: This is a CHUTES and LADDERS match!! Small children should not be anywhere near this kind of destruction!!

Eric: Who booked this!! When did we start robbing schoolyards to find workers!?

EricI will not be held accountable when they both meet a horrible demise in this truly treacherous match.

Paul: Wait, I recognize her! I think she’s from a Street Fighter game? That’s so your territory.

Eric: Ah ha! It is the ever-formidable Sakura! Ness will really have his hands full in this one.

Paul: He’s got his hands full of something all right! The bell hasn’t even rung yet and he’s already conjuring lightning from the heavens, striking the young Sakura like she’s a damned metal rod! That’s so cheap.

Eric: Yes it does seem like a rather low move, especially so early in the matchup; but Sakura doesn’t seem phased in the least, as she brushes herself off and hurls a somewhat mighty fireball right at the little dude’s head!

Paul: But Ness is quick to counter, whipping his long bat out and smacking that ball right back towards Sakura!

Eric: But with her quick reflexes she manages to back flip right over the fiery mass…and then land a strong kick right to the left temple of the hat-wearing hero!

Paul: And Ness goes flying right down one of our chutes! What pain, torture and punishment await him down there?!

Eric: I’d wager on “nothing at all” but, then again, I do get to see our monthly budget.

Paul: While Ness is clamoring to climb back up to the ring Sakura is climbing up the ladder and reaching for that delicious ham sandwich! Has the bell even rung yet? Is this match officially started? Her victory could be for nothing if our timekeeper isn’t on the ball!

Eric: Goddamn time keeper!! Wake up and do your job!

Eric: Who exactly IS the time keeper?

Eric: …Do we even HAVE a timekeeper?

Paul: Crap.

Eric: GENIUS!!

Eric: Leave it to DCW to not have a timekeeper for this EPIC and OFFICAL matchup!!!

Paul: Ness makes it to the ring, but he’s too late! The sandwich is in Sakura’s hands.

Paul: Victory, however, is not.

Eric: CHEAP! WHAT EVER WILL WE DO NOW.

Eric: This is horrible..

Eric: Horrible horrible horrible.

Paul: A bolt of lightning and Sakura is back on the mat, the sandwich now out of her grasp! Ness bends over to pick it up himself, but is met with a swift kick in the rear end from Sakura!

Eric: Wait wait what are they doing! I still haven’t heard a bell!

nessPaul: They care not for any bell!

Eric: Ness is back on his feet as he and Sakura are racing towards the lonely lonely sandwich.

Paul: And they collide! BAM, ran right into one another, and Ness appears to have sustained a bloody nose.

Eric: IT’S A 453 PIER BRAWLING BLOODFEST GOING ON HERE!!

Eric: As both competitors lay on the canvas motionless, I have the distinct feeling that this is not going to be the fireworked extravaganza I had hoped it would be.

Paul: Referee Marty Jannetty is starting a ten count! One…two…three…which is weird, as the winner is the first person to grab the sandwich…though somebody’s already done that…HOW WILL THIS EVER END??

Eric: They both spring to life!! AND LOOK!

Eric: They each hold half of the poor sandwich in hand. Will the oddities never stop in this wild matchup!

Paul: The sandwich is indeed now ripped in two! Both combatants fall backwards a little with the force of the pull, with Sakura now falling through one our deadly chutes.

Eric: Ouch! She will feel that one in the morning

Eric: Ness is munching on his half of the sandwich happily, with a look in his eye that seems to be screaming out “I have no idea what the hell is going on.”

Eric: I SECOND THAT ONE MR. NESS!

Paul: Marty Jannetty is yet again motioning for the bell…does he think Ness won, now? This wasn’t a winner-eats-first match, Marty!

Eric: It was a CHUTES and LADDERS match!! Oooh yeah, instant classic.

Paul: Sakura is climbing back up through one of the chutes! She grabs Ness by the ankle and they BOTH go tumbling down!

Eric: It seems Ness got the worse end of that deal, landing first and then having Sakura’s knee land right in his gut!

Paul: Sakura’s still clinging to that half a sandwich, and she’s now climbing back into the ring! Meanwhile Marty’s attempting to count Ness out, though I’m not sure what good it’ll do.

Eric: Yes, because, usually, a match needs rules before it can end.

Eric: Of course, it should have them before it begins as well.

Paul: This match has rules, Eric!

Eric: VIVO DCW!

Paul: The first one to climb the ladder and grabs the sandwich wins!

Eric: OK well then just tell me how you foresee it ending, then.

Eric: Eh eh eh?

Paul: Wasn’t it your job to hire a new timekeeper?

Paul: WASN’T IT??

Eric: My job is to provide HILARIOUS and relevant commentary.

Eric: Done, and done!

Paul: And Marty’s reached ten! That marks the second time Sakura’s won this match now.

Eric: OK then! I guess we can all go home now, content that a true winner has been crowned!

Paul: Have you heard a bell yet, Regan?

Eric: In fact, I did.

Eric: Yup.

Eric: Sure did.

Eric: WAY TO GO SAKURA!! Enjoy this fabulous victory.

Paul: Ness has finally found his way back into the ring, and he’s got his baseball bat cocked and ready to swing.

Eric: Damn. I thought that would have worked.

sakuraEric: And a mighty rip it is!!! But the ever-fast Sakura catches the sweet spot of the bat right before it bashes her head in.

Paul: But in grabbing the bat she drops her bit of sandwich, and Ness grabs it and gobbles it right up!

Paul: That’s it—there is officially no way this match can possibly end.

Eric: HUZZAH! It’s party time

Paul: Do you mean it’s…tea party time?

Eric: Oh god.

Eric: NO.

Eric: We can’t do that twice in three months. It would be tacky.

Eric: TACKY I SAYS.

Paul: Perhaps it’s time for Ecco the Dolphin to make a special guest appearance?

Eric: Just end it with a deep apology to all those who tuned in. POOR FAN.

Paul: Or maybe we should just chop off Donkey Kong’s feet again; the fan loved that one before.

Eric: You really love to cause pain to innocents, don’t you.

Paul: Ness and Sakura are still brawling in the ring, but I guess it’s about time to call it a night!

Eric: Ending in the middle of a brawl?! DCW will never cease to amaze me, that’s for sure!!

Eric: KILL HIS LITTLE BITCH ASS, SAKURA!!

Paul: Wait a second….look, there he is! That prick timekeeper you hired last month! Papa Shango!

Eric: Oh yeaah.

Eric: See, I DID do my job!

Paul: He’s staggering towards the bell, and YES, he’s ringing it! This match is officially underway!

Eric: OFFICALLY!

Paul: And there’s Marty Jannetty, calling for the bell! This match is officially over.

Eric: Wait.

Eric: Who OFFICALLY wins.

Paul: Nobody knows.

Eric: Just perfect.

Paul: Well, that’s it for DCW this month!

Eric: Goddamn Dusty finishes.

Paul: Check us out again next time, folks—we’re sure to have yet another barnburner ready for you!

Paul: And this time, that barnburner could even include an actual match.

Eric: Ooh do you promise!

Paul: Yes. I do. An actual match.

Eric: SWEEEEEEEEET

Paul: For “Captain” Eric Regan I’m Paul Franzen saying goodnight, and enjoy the rest of GameCola!

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From 2002 to 2013

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