Paul: Hello everyone, and welcome, ONCE AGAIN, to Digital Championship Wrestling! As always I’m Paul Franzen, alongside “Captain” Eric Regan, and this month—I really mean it, this time! —we have one hell of a slobber-knocker lined up for ya’ll!
Eric: If that turns out to be some sort pun, you’re in so much trouble.
Paul: (/whisper: headset): Tell Dante we won’t be needing him this month, after all.
Paul: Would I ever subject THE FAN to that, Eric? Of course I wouldn’t! This match is one for the ages! One to be remembered for all time! And it involves one of the top gaming characters of all time…Sonic the Hedgehog!
Eric: Poor guy will do anything for a few scraps of food and some pocket change nowadays, won’t he.
Paul: Life hasn’t been all bad for him, has it? He had that wonderful game a year or so back…the one with…oh, no wait, they all had tons of obnoxiously MAXXXTREME characters, didn’t them.
Eric: I hear you’re a big fan of Shadow, though, so things must be looking up!
Paul: Well maybe Sonic’s luck is about to change! In DCW this month, not only do we have one of the greatest heroes of all time…we have one of the greatest heroes of all time going up against one of the greatest VILLIANS of all time!
Paul: That’s right!
Paul: It’s SONIC VS. BOWSER IN DCW!!!
Eric: So this epic encounter between classic good and evil should be remembered for the ages, right? None of this fishy ending business?
Paul: With any luck! We seem to have all the proper staff in place this time…we’ve got time keeper Papa Shango with mallet in hand…referee Marty Jannetty all suited up and ready to go…I think we’re gonna pull this one off!
Eric: OK! It’s go time!
Paul: The bell is rung, and this match is underway! Both competitors are sizing each other up…Bowser’s clearly got the size and strength advantage here—not to mention his ability to BREATHE FIRE—but you can’t count out the super speedy Sonic! He’s tackled bigger foes before, by God.
Eric: Really? He tackles foes? Wow, and here I was impressed just thinking he could run really fast.
Paul: Plus, as longtime fans will no doubt recall, this isn’t Sonic’s first dance, so to speak; he was actually involved in DCW’s very first match ever, albeit in a losing effort against Mario. The experience is bound to help him somehow in this encounter.
Eric: And Bowser could never beat Mario…so this should be one stellar matchup!
Paul: Bowser finally takes the initiative, throwing a lumbering punch at the blue hedgehog. And misses, as Sonic darts out of the way, darts behind Bowser, and jumps up onto King Koopa’s shoulders.
Eric: Uh oh, he is covering Bowser’s eyes! Rendering him blind!
Eric: This turn of events seems to have left Bowser a bit wobbly; this might not turn out the way sonic had envisioned.
Paul: Bowser pitches forward into a corner, and Sonic’s head bounces right off a turnbuckle! That’s gotta smart! Sonic’s dazed, but he’s still got that iron grip on Bowser’s face.
Eric: Yeeeeeeouch! I definitely wouldn’t want to feel that, though I’m not sure Bowser’s strategy of repeatedly bashing his head into the corner of the ring is the smartest—it seems to be doing as much harm as good.
Paul: Sonic FINALLY releases his grip, and dashes right off of the mutant reptile, bounces off the ring ropes and NAILS Boswers with a closeline! Boswer, of course, is unaffected. Sonic goes for another, and another, and another!, but Bowser, of course, is unaffected. Sonic slides under the bottom ropes and outside the ring to contemplate his next move.
Eric: But what is this? As Sonic sits outside oblivious to all around him, Bowser is…climbing to the top rope?! This cannot be!! NO!! DON’T DO IT MAN!
Paul: While Sonic taps his foot impatiently and claims that he’s “waiting,” Bowser makes it all the way to the top! All that climbing seems to have taken a lot out of the obese King, however, and he needs to take a breather.
Eric: The very ring is buckling under the enormous weight of the large reptile…you know…if he is a reptile.… There is only one way this can end, and that’s UGLY.
Paul: But that’s a brand new ring!! We just got it a few months ago! There’s no WAY it’s falling apart already, Eric!
Eric: Yeah, I have full confidence in everyone one of DCW’s proud purchases.
Paul: Oh come on Eric; it’s been MONTHS since anything of our’s just fell apart.
Paul: And our streak ends RIGHT NOW, as the turnbuckle snaps in half due to the weight of the still-recovering-from-his-climb Bowser, and both it and the reptile fall unceremoniously to the floor, just a few feet away from Sonic.
Eric: All of the sudden, Sonic snaps back to life! With a finger held up high, I think he just may have an idea!
Paul: I can’t imagine what this idea possibly could be, Eric!
Eric: Well it doesn’t seem to be much of an idea, as he is attempting to pin the large beast.
Eric: Someone really should explain the rules to these guys.
Paul: Helpless, referee Marty Jannetty just continues to count both combatants out, as, clearly, you can’t score a pinfall outside of the ring.
Paul: Finally realizing this, Sonic attempts to heave Bowser up onto his shoulders and carry him back into the ring! I guess he doesn’t wanna go for the cheap-o count out victory.
Eric: However, he doesn’t seem to get very far with that idea, and just slips back into the ring by himself.
Eric: Just as he does, Bowser springs back to life! Well, I use the word spring generously, but you get the idea
Eric: He begins to lumber back into the ring…can he make it?!
Paul: Marty reaches a 9-count, but, at literally the last possible second, Bowser heaves himself into the ring! Let’s hope he’s got enough energy after pulling off that maneuver to take on Sonic.
Eric: Bowser lays on the canvas with his shell toward the air, and Sonic is searching for a weak point to strike at!
Paul: Sonic gets a little too close to Bowser, and gets blasted with a burst of hot fiery breath! Sonic’s left foot is on FIRE, Eric! This don’t look too good!
Eric: It sure doesn’t! Well, I mean, it wouldn’t if Bowser was making any sort of effort to do anything; he appears to just be sitting in the middle of the ring now.
Paul: Sonic’s bouncing around the ring screaming and begging for help! He’s stopping, he’s dropping and he’s rolling; but it’s no use! The fire is creeping up his leg, now.
Eric: What’s this? A smile has come across the green one’s face…as he lets out another breath of flame!
Paul: And this one hits Sonic right in the face! The hedgehog is ablaze; BY GAWD, THE HEDGEHOG IS A BLAZE!!! WON’T SOMEBODY STOP THE DAMN MATCH???
Eric: I don’t think being consumed by fire is a lose condition in ‘rasslin.
Paul: Bowser lumbers to his feet and whips his spiked tail around to catch the hedgehog unawares! Unfortunately for him, he gets “caught” by Sonic, to grabs Bowser by the tail and spins him around in a circle!
Paul: He lets go, and with a CRASH, Bowser sails into one of the remaining turnbuckles, which is no longer remaining.
Eric: Brilliant maneuver! And all that spinning seems to have tamed the flames.
Eric: He may just win this one yet!
Paul: Jannetty starts the count again! One! Two! Three!
Eric: Bowser is down on all fours now, crawling back towards the apron.
Paul: Four! Five! Six!
Eric: He grabs hold of the bottom, and begins to lift himself up.
Paul: Seven! Eight!
Eric: GET UP, DAMMIT!
Eric: I will not stand for another count out!
Eric: Bower grabs the top of the ring and pushes himself up on to it!
Eric: Nice SAVE.
Paul: But Sonic dashes forth and dropkicks Bowser right in the face, sending the reptile back to the arena floor.
Paul: One! Two!
Paul: Sonic leaps up to the nearest turnbuckle and drops a flying elbow on Bowser! Or tries to, but is caught by Bowser, who carries the hedgehog back into the ring and delivers a Samoan drop.
Eric: And this match is back in full force!
Eric: The slow puttering force it started out with and barely maintained, that is.
Paul: Bowser stomps on Sonic, then sits down on him.
Eric: Wow , that sure was anticlimactic.
Paul: Bowser won this match via STOMP???
Eric: A STOMP and SIT I believe, Pau.l
Paul: Well as you know Eric, Sonic actually has a history of anticlimactic losses, as Mario defeated him via a mere power bomb.
Eric: An ingenious DEVASTATING power bomb of SHEER diabolical DOOOM.
Paul: I guess this just proves, once, again, and for all, Nintendo’s dominance over Sega. Not that it matters much any more.
Eric: Sega still exists?! Nice.
Eric: Way to go, guys! Keep fighting the good fight
Paul: Well that wraps up yet another stellar edition of DCW!
Eric: Historically stellar indeed
Paul: We’ll be back again next month with…probably some sort of gimmick match so that you, THE FAN, can more easily stay awake!
Eric: This was BRILLIANT; I don’t know what you’re talking about!
Eric: All THE FAN are sitting up filled with a euphoric feeling after this one!
Paul: Well by GAWD, let’s just give it up for the fan tonight! Thank you for inviting us into your home, and thank you too for sticking with us over the past two plus years! I’m getting a little misty-eyed over here, Eric
Eric: VIVO EL DCW.
Paul: Good night everyone, and tune in again next month!