You may not care too much for unsolicited stuffing of your mail box with ads, and it might be illegal in your country. But what’s your ratio of credit card applications to stuff like this?
That’s right: In Japan, somebody (presumably organized criminals) takes the time to print up soft-core porn-ish little leaflets and distribute them to us as we sleep.
And that’s all well and good in and of itself—they make great bathroom reading. But if you happen to be able to decipher the mysterious alien writing all over the things, you’ll find that these aren’t just random acts of kindness. Just like the pizza and pachinko flyers, these are advertisements! They’re attempting to sell something…but what? Did you guess yet?
This phenomenon is called “Delivery Health”, “Health” having been a euphemism used in the massage
Let’s take a closer look at one of the more innocent looking ones.
The actions of a grown-up and the bashfulness of a little girl. We deliver it all to you, naturally.
[List of prices…]
[Also: The misspelling of “shower” is obvious, but notice the much more subtle and cute “eyn”]
We accept credit cards (at time of reception)
- All Nude
- Bare Lips
- “Opposite Sex Feeling” [Literal. I’m unable to figure out what this means right now, but I’ll assume it has something to do with pretending to be the opposite sex.]
- “Multiple Shots OK” [not 100% sure, but same ideograms as for “rapid fire”, the “fire” of which can mean “ejaculation”]
- Bath-P [P = “Play”]
- Bare Skin
- And more…
Areas with no travel cost
[The fine print]
We refuse service to minors under 18 and to persons whose intent is to engage in prostitution. [Rimshot]
Other interesting text I’ve seen includes “in-mouth ejaculation OK” and “we only use girls in their 10s” which fairly means teens, but I like the way it looks translated hyper-literally. (And if you look at the bottom-right flyer above you will see “Average age 1▲.3”, laugh out loud.)
Now here’s the back, which is ALWAYS printed in white and pink and ALWAYS has text indicating active recruitment of girls and delivery drivers.
Depending on how long it’s been since I’ve “whacked” some sense into myself, I sometimes contemplate dipping into my savings and trying this out. However, on top of having my own suspicions, a friend told me something he had heard about these services to the effect of, “If you call those numbers some guys will come beat you up and take your money. Then they just get a new cell phone and start again with a new number.”
It is true that they all follow the same flyer format and have similar designs. And it is true that Japanese people can be pussies, apparently sometimes succumbing to extortion threats from criminals who call random phone numbers claiming that “you owe us for accessing our website” and “we know where you live”.
However, the fact that they go through the trouble of claiming to accept credit cards (which surely they can’t be doing if they’re just violence gangs, unless I’m that naïve), making recruitment notices, and even having their little legal disclaimer at the bottom makes me wonder again if in fact they might be legit (in this context, of course).
If I had the money to spend, I’d seriously consider doing more research and having a delivery made to a hotel to see what happens. As long as I was within the safety of a hotel and had my money well hidden in my room, and they didn’t know my address, as Bubsy said, “What could possibly go wrong?” Anyone want PICS NAO? Should I start a fund?
This is a clothing shop between my favorite (and one of the only) Mexican restaraunts in Osaka and the nearest Jumbo Karaoke Hiroba, which is actually in my opionion the best place to go for coffee and desert. There’s really no comment I can think of to make it funnier than however funny it is. So there.