Videogame Movie Adventure of the Month:
River City Rumble
I refuse to say very much on this movie, as it has already stolen way too much of my life. …of the Month is usually short, anyway, so it shouldn’t matter to my loyal non-readers.
To quickly sum up this bit of “cinema,” it is a very poorly-acted indie movie by X-Strike Studios that does not come off as funny at any point. In other words, it’s not one of those “so bad it’s funny” situations. It’s more of a “so bad it’s painful” situation. No one in the movie can act, which is to be expected since they are not actors, but they made the movie a full length film. This kind of thing should only be done in short segments that are posted on YouTube or something. It’s easy, and sometimes very funny, to see people make jackasses out of themselves for a couple minutes. It’s not funny when it drags on for an hour and forty-five minutes. (Note: I don’t actually remember the exact running time of the movie. I’m not going to check, either.)
The movie is made up of crappy fighting scenes and crappy talking scenes peppered with crappy references to crappy anime. That’s four levels of crap right there. Four levels of crap stretched over an entire movie make for a very painful experience.
On the bright side, and I am really reaching here, I understand that some of the stuff in the movie is actually from River City Ransom, although I have never played the game. I did get the Sailor Moon reference, though. Woo.
This is, without a doubt, a movie only for those super nerds who always laugh at anime and videogame references simply because they are references, and not because they are actually humorously executed. You know, the type of nerd who laughs at the stupidest crap in the world and then turns around and corrects you when you make a joke about Firefly, citing the fact that there is actually no sound in space so you really couldn’t convince that crazy super soldier girl to come out into space to sleep with you by playing sexy Bee Gees music. And also she’s not a super soldier. And you would really die in space, since the blah blah blah oxygen blah blah vacuum. And also she’s only 17. Whateeeeeever.
I forgot what I was writing about for a moment. And it was a glorious moment. The movie really blows hard. Don’t watch it ever. That River girl is a fox.
