Ever thought about who would win in a fight between Mario and Sonic? Princess Peach and Princess Zelda? Chuck Rock and Phoenix Wright? That’s what Digital Championship Wrestling is here for.
Every month, DCW pits videogame character versus videogame character in a pro-wrestling match to see who comes out on top.
Paul: Hello gamefans, and welcome to another exciting edition of Digital Championship Wrestling! I’m Paul Franzen alongside “Captain” Eric Regan, and tonight’s main event will, in all probability, go down as one of the greatest of all time! Wouldn’t you agree, Eric?
Eric: You sure have that one correct, Paul! This is another one of our all-time CLASSIC matchups, and I can’t wait for it to start!
Paul: Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, we’re looking to decide ONCE and FOR ALL who the true “Lord of the Undead” is, and we’re gonna do so via the classic battle of zombies vs. vampires.
Eric: Zombies and vampires, and Halloween isn’t even around the corner! What more could you ask for!
Paul: Maybe a barf bag, Eric, because this matchup is sure to be gruesome!
Paul: Representing zombies we’ve got Stubbs THE Zombie, fresh off his 2005 hit and waiting to prove to the world that he’s not just another pretty face.
Eric: I think to be referred to as a “hit” someone has to buy the game.
Paul: And representing vampires we’ve got BloodRayne, who’s major claim to fame is that she’s appeared nekkid in the pages of Playboy, despite not actually being real.
Eric: Wasn’t your first imaginary girlfriend a Playboy model, Paul? Being real is but a small detail!
Paul: Real or not, these two combatants are in the ring and raring to go!
Eric: IT’S GO TIME, as they say.
Paul: BloodRayne starts off with a few quick jabs right to the head of Stubbs, which promptly falls right off his neck. Does that mean the match is over already?!
Eric: Of course not! Stubbs is a zombie; their appendages come off all the time.
Paul: BloodRayne lines up a kick, probably looking to knock Stubb’s head clear into our audience, but the rest of Stubbs sneaks up from behind and kicks her legs out from under her. ‘Rayne hits the mat hard!
Eric: A brilliant take down by the headless one!
Eric: And Stubbs wastes no time locking in a sleeper hold! Maybe this WILL be a quick match after all.
Paul: But BloodRayne grabs Stubbs’ arms and tugs a little, and they pop right out of his sockets! She tosses them outside of the ring, and now I gotta think the zombie’s in a bit of a predicament, as the only appendages he even has left are his legs.
Eric: BloodRayne trips over the zombie’s helpless body and goes after what few limbs he has left, breaking out the dreaded FIGURE-FOUR LEGLOCK! And she has it on tight!
Paul: But Stubbs’ arms, seemingly completely on their own, climb their way into the ring and wrap their hands around the throat of BloodRayne!
Eric: And with the vampire suddenly preoccupied, Stubbs easily slips out of the hold! And he manages to wrangle up his head and put it back on in the meantime.
Paul: Stubbs hops up to the top turnbuckle while his arms are still choking the life out of BloodRayne. He gazes out into the audience and then soars into the air! 1080 sunset flip onto BloodRayne!
Eric: I’m sure there is some bad pun about the sun and vampires you’re just dying to make, Paul. Don’t do it
Eric: Stubbs goes for the quick roll up on the out-of-commission vampire!
Paul: ONE, TWO, AND no. BloodRayne kicks out at the last POSSIBLE second, though how she did it without, it seems, being even able to breathe completely eludes me.
Eric: Those vampires are a tricky bunch.
Paul: She sits up a little and tries to tear the buggers away from her throat, but all she accomplishes is removing the arms themselves, detaching them at the wrists from the hands. The hands are still around her throat, and the arms are flopping all about our ring.
Eric: Well isn’t that one wacky sight!
Eric: Her face is turning blue now—that can’t be good, can it.
Paul: But it’s not like she can die, is it? Doesn’t look to me that those hands are made out of silver, or whatever. I forget how these things works. Too bad Simon Belmont’s not still around.
Eric: What!? But you’re the OFFICAL expert of vampires and their lore here at GameCola!
Eric: Didn’t you review a Buffy game!
Paul: That was a guest review, dammit! And it definitely wasn’t just me using a pseudonym to make it look like we had more writers!
Eric: WHAT! I am disappointed! All this time I thought you were some vampire aficionado.
Eric: Well, despite not knowing if she can be defeated or not, is seems that BloodRayne has finally gotten rid of those pesky hands!
Eric: But she’s also found herself right in the middle of a TOMBSTONE PILEDRIVER!
Paul: How appropriate! Stubbs seems to have lost a few appendages in performing the move, but I think he’s all back together now, and he’s gotta be looking to finish up BloodRayne after dominating the match thus far.
Eric: But wait! That DIABOLICAL piledriver seems to had little effect on this vampire, as she comes back with a FIERCE toe stomp followed up with a heel kick TO THE FACE!
Eric: Look at that head sail.
Paul: By GAWD, it’s landed right here at the announcer’s table! UGH! That’s frickin’ disgusting. Can’t somebody take care of this??
Eric: Yeah…that’s all you boss
Paul: It’s looking at me. Why is it looking at me?!
Eric: Well don’t just stare at it! Say hello! Introduce yourself!
Eric: I have a feeling you two will be great friends.
Eric: It looks like BloodRayne is still at it, throwing Mr. Stubblefield into the DREADED Boston crab!
Eric: Not sure how not having a head affects that move, but it’s brilliant nonetheless.
Paul: Well, we sure can’t hear him screaming! I mean, we probably could, but the head here doesn’t seem to be feeling a thing. Ugh. So. Gross.
Paul: Stubbs is reaching for the ropes so he can break the hold, but BloodRayne just won’t give an inch and oh my GOD IT’S SMILING AT ME. WOULD SOMEBODY PLEASE GET THIS GODDAMN HEAD AWAY FROM ME.
Eric: I think it likes you.
Paul: I think it’s CREEPY AS HELL.
Eric: And Stubbs has the ropes! Jannetty forces BloodRayne to let go.
Paul: BloodRayne holds the move for an extra four seconds before letting Stubbs loose, then kicks him a few times while he’s down AND BY GAWD NOW IT’S STICKING ITS FRIGGIN’ TONGUE OUT AT ME I REALLY CAN’T HANDLE THIS.
Eric: Jeez, calm down you big baby. I’m sure someone will take care of it as soon as this match is over.
Eric: But wait, what’s this! Stubbs is charging for the booth! It looks like not having your head attached to your body might be slightly uncomfortable.
Paul: Thank GOD! Stubbs ran out here and took his abomination away. But before he could get back into the ring BloodRayne did a baseball slide right out, kicking Stubbs right in the noggin and this time sending his head into the audience for realz!
Eric: Uh oh! It seems Stubbs has turn this latest misfortune into a opportunity to use his most fearful maneuver!
Paul: You don’t mean…???
Eric: Yes! He has taken control of one of the poor audience members!
Eric: And has sent him rushing straight towards the naked night queen.
Paul: A headbutt from the audience member straight to the gut of BloodRayne, followed by a DDT on the cold, hard concrete floor of the James Pond Memorial Coliseum!
Eric: I’m not sure this is all very legal. Franzen! But Jannetty doesn’t seem to be minding.
Paul: He is, however, nearing a ten-count, so our combatants better get back into the ring lest they both lose the match!
Eric: It looks like Stubbs is racing toward the ring while his loyal minion traps the poor vampire outside of it!
Eric: Jannetty’s at eight! Nine! This isn’t looking good for the Playboy Playmate!
Eric: She has one hand on the canvas as the audience member attempts to pull her back…I’m not so sure one hand is enough, though!
Paul: Ten! It isn’t! Yet another DCW contest ends via countout as Stubbs celebrates his astounding victory with a little jig.
Eric: Dear god! How did you let that happen, boss!!
Paul: All the while DCW fan are tossing trash into the ring, disgusted that they didn’t get a pinfall or a submission.
Eric: Friggin’ countouts
Paul: I’ll do you one worse, Eric!
Paul: Next month…we’re gonna have a match in which there can be no countouts.
Eric: BY GAWD THE INSANITY.
Paul: In fact, the only way to win this match is by making your opponent say the words “I quit.”
Paul: That’s right, gamefans! An I Quit match, right here in DCW!
Eric: I can’t wait to see who will be part of this AMAZING first for DCW!
Paul: You’ll have to wait until next month, Eric! As will all our adoring fan.
Paul: Goodnight everybody, and see you next month!