The Gates of Life: Episode 43 – There’s Something About Render

Captain Necrostreeb: We must find your former captain, Captain Thomas "7-Eye" Render VI of Trelenodora!

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Choose your own adventure in this RPG-esque adventure that lets you—the reader—vote on its outcome.

When we last left our heroes, they’d just decided upon Necrostreeb—an underage and extremely excitable haflingas their captain. Barin, Rivers Duo, Enrique, Spoonlad and Pirate all agreed to follow Necrostreeb on his quest…but what was this quest, exactly?

That’s where youthe readerscame in! Necrostreeb found it imperative that he and his party move to resurrect his fallen companion, Streebless, but they weren’t sure how to go about it. Which path did you readers choose? Where will the party go from here? Will Necrostreeb even continue to lead the party?  Find out the answers to these questions and more in this month’s edition of The Gates of Life!

Chapter Forty-Three
There’s Something About Render

Captain Necrostreeb: We must find your former captain, Captain Thomas “7-Eye” Render VI of Trelenodora!

Enrique: How do you even know who that is.

Captain Necrostreeb: He is our only hope!!!

Pirate: Arr! But where ye be suggestin’ we start our search, Cap’n?!

Captain Necrostreeb: There is only one possible place he could be. The place where all the dead eventually go on their way to the great beyond.

Enrique: You don’t mean…!! No, not that! MOOOOO!!!

Rivers Duo: What!? Where?? What place could possibly be so frightening that it would cause Enrique to spew milk from his udder in such an uncouth manner?!

Enrique: uncool, man, UNCOOL!

Barin: I think I know what place he is talking about.

Narrator: Actually, Barin has no idea. He just wants to be included. Someone give him a hug.

Spoonlad: Oh! Oh ho ho, poor little Barin! Spoonlad with give you a big, juicy hug! Come here, honey!!

Barin: I would gladly accept your offer, but poor Enrique over there is beginning to look mighty jealous. BASTARD BASTARD BASTARD.

Enrique: Uh, no.

Narrator: It looks like poor Barin’s Turrets is acting up again. But seriously, where are we going?

Captain Necrostreeb: We are going…to the Infinite Nega Vortex.

Narrator: At this point, Enrique tried to speak out against this vortex, but merely vomited all over Barin.

vomitBarin: Aw eeeww! BASTARD!

Rivers Duo: Niiiice.

Spoonlad: Oh Bar-Bar! Let me help you!!

Bar-Bar: Ugh…get away from me…bastard….

Bar-Bar: Wait, what the hell?! NO!!

Pirate: Arrr! Ye be Bar-Bar now!

Bar-Bar: No kidding!

Rivers Duo: Oooh! Do me, do me!

Spoonlad: Oh, I’ll do you alright!

Rivers Duo: Sweet! …. Oh, wait….

Enrique: Haaaa.

Spoonlad: Don’t worry, my little ass-goblet! I’ll come to you in good time!

Ass-Goblet: No, that’s ok.

Ass-Goblet: OH COME ON!!

Narrator: This is getting out of hand.

Spoonlad: Oh, you be quiet you silly narrator! Or should I say-

Narrator: Unfortunately at that very moment, a very large and hairy man named Rosalito came by and decided to use Spoonlad to eat his fresh-from-the-freezer tub of ice cream. Unfortunately, the ice cream was very solid and Spoonlad broke. Broke, and died.

Ass-Goblet: Wooo!

Ass-Goblet: Ok, its time to change my name back.

Narrator: Right, right. Enrique was once again restored to his former glory.

Enrique: That’s better.

Bar-Bar: What about me?! BASTARDS!

Narrator: As it turns out, names can only be changed back by the person who changed them in the first place. Sorry.

spoondeadRivers Duo: Ouch, tough break.

Bar-Bar: But…! Enrique…!

Enrique: What?

Rosalito: Que?

Rivers Duo: …eh??

Pirate: Arrrr!!

Captain Necrostreeb: Enough! Enough of this tomfoolery! Enough, I say!

Narrator: It seems as though Captain Necrostreeb has had enough of this tomfoolery.

Pirate: Arrr he be havin’ enough of that thar tomfoolery!

Rivers Duo: Arrrr! Pirate is so awesome!

Pirate: Arrrr!

Rosalito: Arrrr!

Enqirue: Mooooooooo!

Captain Necrostreeb: ENOUGH! When did I get stuck in the role of the rational one who always has to move the plot forward?!

Bar-Bar: When you became the captain, BASTARD!

Captain Necrosteeb: That is IT! Narrator, narrate us to the Infinite Nega Vortex.

Narrator: Alright, Cap’n. The group traveled a highly adventurous journey to ENRIQUE’S HOME WORLD!!!!!!!! Damn right, baby, we are at ENRIQUE’s home world! Yeaaaaheeeaaaaaah! The first time we’ve gone somewhere really interesting in a loooong time. On the edge of Enrique’s vast Negalord kingdom sat the Infinite Nega Vortex.

Rivers Duo: Wow Enrique, your home world is messed up.

Bar-Bar: There’s not ONE ship on this entire…wait, are we on a different planet, or is this one of those alternate dimension things you BASTARDS are always putting into my story? I really hate you guys, by the way.

Pirate: Arrrr! This be a planet, no doubt!

Rosalito: No! Esto es una dimension alterna!

Captain Necrostreeb: For the love of all that is Streeby, can we stay FOCUSED here for one second?!

Narrator: OK, it’s all you from here on out, Streeb!

Captain Necrostreeb: Thank you. Oh great Infinite Nega Vortex, use the almighty power of the Necrostreeb to summon forth our fallen companion, Captain Thomas “7-Eye” Render VI of Trelenodora.

Rivers Duo: Oooh! THAT’s where we should go! Trelenodora!

barinspoonCaptain Necrostreeb: Shut UP!

Rivers Duo: Right, sorry.

Captain Necrostreeb: Hear my voice, O great Infinite Nega Vortex! Bring forth Captain Thomas “7-Eye” Render VI of Trelenodora! Listen to me, Vortex!!

Infinite Nega Vortex: No.

Captain Necrostreeb: No?! What do you mean, NO?!

Infinite Nega Vortex: Only one pure of heart can summon forth a fallen companion from the Almighty Infinite Nega Vortex.

Captain Necrostreeb: I AM pure of heart!

Almighty Infinite Nega Vortex: You were pure of heart. When you gave in to the Necro powers, you lost your purity.

Captain Necrostreeb: Great. Where am I supposed to find someone of pure heart?


Narrator: No, not yet.


Narrator: Yeah, just give me a minute.


Narrator: Thanks. Go on, Pirate.

Pirate: Arrr! Give us back Captain Thomas “7-Eye” Render VI of Trelenodora!

Almighty Infinite Nega Vortex: OK.

Captain Necrostreeb: That’s it?

Almighty Infinite Nega Vortex: Yes, that’s it.

Narrator: With a flash of magic that could only be found here, in THE GATES OF LIFE, Captain Thomas “7-Eye” Render VI of Trelenodora was brought back. However, there was a slight problem.


Narrator: Yes, now.

Which Gate Do You Choose?

So Soap Opera-ey

Render: Rivers…? What are you doing with Barin?! He’s supposed to be dead, I killed him myself! Quick, feed him the potion.

Rivers Duo: The potion… the cat potion!? Oh no! Captain Thomas “7-Eye” Render VI of Trelenodora has amnesia!

Two Heads are better than…OMG SEA BEARS?!

Render: Augh… my head…

QM Girl: You’re head… What about mine?!

Render: Wait… wait why do I have really nice boobs all of a sudden?!

QM Girl: And why do I have a… oh my god.

Pirate: Are! They be fused together!

Rivers Duo: And holy crap, there’s like 50 sea bears coming at us from over there!


Return to Normalcy?

Captain Necrostreeb: Forget all of this nonsense. We have something important to take care of, Captain Thomas “7-Eye” Render VI of Trelenodora. Time to decide who is truly the captain of this crew.

Jonathan: Well, I’m only ever going to work for one Captain. And I think you know who that captain is. If you want him you are going to have to go through me.

Jordan: Don’t worry about this oversized cowface, Necrostreeb. There’s no way I’m letting that tool become the captain, again. Come on Jonathan, let’s dance.

Bar-Bar: I really, really hate you guys.

This poll ends on March 1.

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