Oh god. I really, really don’t feel like writing this review again. It’s a good thing I love my dear readers so much, or I wouldn’t even be bothering—I feel I owe it to the unwashed masses to continue reviewing this series, even if nothing particularly changes from game to game. Who cares if there isn’t anything for me to talk about! You, the FAN, demand it of me, and so I shall continue to write the same thing over, and over, and over, and over, and over again. And you will read it. And you will LOVE IT, and find it TOTALLY INTERESTING.
So, on to the review! I suppose.
Sam & Max Season 1, Episode 5: Reality 2.0 is the latest “episode” of the latest Sam & Max saga. Right on the heels of the last four games, this episode…what? What was that? Why don’t you come over here and say that, eh?
What the hell do you mean I’m getting boring?! What’s your problem, man! Step off, or come get some! No wait, back off. I didn’t mean it. I didn’t…no! Get away from here with that logo! That’s not what they want! They don’t want popular columns; they want me! Stop it! Put that logo down! Put that….
…thing away, I says, ’cause, of course, nobody wants to see that. But does he listen? No. He doesn’t listen. He just flat-out doesn’t listen! It’s embarrassing, I gotta be honest.
Anyways, that’s not my problem. My real problem is this: I want to get my girlfriend a computer game for her birthday, but I’m having trouble coming up with the perfect one. The only games I know she really likes are those old Lucas Arts adventure games—you know, Day of the Tentacle, Monkey Island, that sort of thing. As far as I know they don’t make ’em like that any more, though. What should I do?
What Do Girls Want?
Dear What Do Girls Want?,
Your first problem is that you’re buying your girlfriend a computer game for her birthday. Your second problem is that you’re inventing a girlfriend in order to ask me what game you should buy for yourself. My advice is that you should buy whatever game you want and not listen to what some asshole on the Internet thinks. But if you’d rather me tell you what to buy, rather than think for yourself, I have a game you might be interested in.
It’s called Sam & Max, and it’s the closest thing to a classic adventure game that’s been released in the past 10 years. I have a feeling that, having played Day of the Tentacle and Monkey Island, you’ve probably played the original Sam & Max as well; but there’s a new series out now, and it mimics the humor and gameplay of the first one surprisingly well. The series’ latest “episode” (of which there are currently five, with one coming out every month) is called Reality 2.0, and it was just released last month. Apparently it’s been getting good reviews, and it’s probably the only decent point-and-click title on the market today, so I’d suggest that.
I’d suggest that in terms of videogames at least. In terms of the world at large, I’d suggest that you actually go outside, make some friends, maybe step away from the anime every now and again and actually socialize. Maybe then you’d…
…have yet ANOTHER THRILLING edition of the THUMBS that many, including my mom, call SUPER! Sadly!, this month we have only one thumb for you. BUT YOU WILL SOLDIER ON! I believe in YOU! While there is but ONE thumb in this, EVERYONE’S FAVORITE COLUMN IN THE WHOLE WILD WORLD OF COLUMNS, it is an absolutely fantastic thumb: the kind of thumb you’ll be able to tell your grandkids about some day, like “hey, my boy, I once read this GREAT THUMB.” IT WILL BE THAT GOOD.
So, ON TO THE THUMBS! (Or, in this case, THUMB.)
Sam & Max Season 1, Episode 5: Reality 2.0 (PC)
Phew! I didn’t expect this game to be good AT ALL, but I was thankfully mistaken! MISTAKEN! The Internet has gone craaaaaaaaaaazzy and Sam & Max have to save it. There’s all kinds of Internet in-jokes that people who spend WAY too much time at their keyboard using phrases like “lol” and “h/o” and “lollerskates” will probably have a good ol’ time laughing at. INSANITY!
And one thing I definitely liked was that, even though this game takes place mostly in areas that were in the last few games, this time, when you click on items in these areas, your characters say DIFFERENT things! WHooOO!! I’m glad they finally took care of that!
All in all I thought this game was GREAT, and you too will probably think this game is GREAT, so long as you have a sense of humor and enjoy playing on the computer significantly more than you do sunlight.
Captain Eric’s Super Thumb says… Thumbs up!
And with that we once again wrap up the THUMBS! Be sure to check us out next month—same THUMB time, same THUMB channel for YET ANOTHER…
Paul: …edition of the premier videogame pro-wrestling federation! And we have one hell of a doozy of a fantastic match for you all tonight. Isn’t that right, Eric?
Eric: You darn right it is, Paul! And you’re not just exaggerating as normal. This month’s match features two legends…and two best friends!
Eric: Those two characters are Sam…AND MAX.
Paul: That’s right! This month in the New James Pond Arena it’s Sam vs. Max, and it’s only here, in DCW!
Paul: But first, a little background on our two competitors…
Paul: They’re both the stars of hit computer game series Sam & Max, in which they’re freelance police out to save the world from doers of no-good.
Eric: And they’re freaking ugly!
Paul: Well I wouldn’t go that far, Eric, but it’s certainly true that their games visuals just don’t match up to those of its 2D predecessor.
Eric: But it can’t very well be in 2D today, PAUL, COULD IT?! Nobody would buy a 2D game in 2007!
Paul: That’s where you’re wrong, Eric! Certainly it’d be ridiculously for anyone to be charging full-price for a game that looks like this in this day and age; but I think the cartoonish style of Curse of Monkey Island could very well work today.
Paul: But anyway!
Paul: They’re freelance police, and their game is cool and has a cool soundtrack and a cool alternate dimension thing going for it.
Eric: And that’s more than enough background for this EPIC bout! Let’s let these two heroes promote their new game by beating the unholy hell out of one another.
Paul: There’s the bell, and this contest is underway!
Eric: Max leaps onto Sam’s face, clawing at the dog’s eyeballs. BRUTAL!
Paul: But Sam runs over to the nearest turnbuckle and smashes his own head into it! That’s gotta smart, but it got the job done in terms of getting Sam the hell off his face.
Eric: That it did, Paul! But methinks Sam is a little woozy from that self-inflicted headshot….
Paul: He does look a bit dazed, doesn’t he. I think I can actually see stars floating around his cranium.
Eric: I don’t see that, Paul, but I do see Max sneaking up from behind on his best friend!
Eric: He’s reaching into places too horrible to describe, pulling Sam down to the mat in a school boy pin!
Paul: Sam is down! Sam is down!
Paul: Max is going for the cover! That’s one, two, and…
Rivers Duo: What the heck did he just say??
Captain Necrostreeb: Don’t worry about it, Rivers Duo! We have a task at hand! We have to resurrect my fallen Streebless! Oh, do we ever have to!
Bar-Bar: I’m so sick of you BASTARDS on this stupid BASTARD quest. When do I get my revenge on the world?
Captain Necrostreeb: In due time, Bar-Bar! Good things come to those who wait, you know!
Bar-Bar: I’m tired of waiting! Let’s end this now, Necrostreeb.
Shillster: And for the low-low price of $8.95!
Shillster: The new Sam & Max game! It’s available now for the low-low price of $8.95.
Rivers Duo: For such a low-low price, it can’t be a very good game.
Shillster: Well, the game’s only about five hours long, but it’s all killer and no filler, man! You won’t feel ripped off at all, especially if you buy the entire series of six games for the lower-lower price of $34.95.
Forklass: Are the other games any good?
Shillster: Of course they are! They’re great! This whole series is great! Everyone should buy, buy, buy the games! DO IT NOW.
Enrique: What’s any of this got to do with our upcoming battle.
Captain Necrostreeb: Oh, really? Oh, how my Streebless loved the old Sam & Max! He’d love to hear the news….
Shillster: Well isn’t that nice!
Shillster: Say, have I mentioned the game’s difficulty is great for gamers of all ages, as well?
Large Stone Wall: IIIIIIIIIIIIIII doooooooooooooonnnnnnnt’ttttttttttt beeeeeeeeeellllllliiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeevvvvvvvvvveeeee youuuuuuuuuuuuuu hhhhaaaaaaaa–
Captain Necrostreeb: OK guys, that’s enough! I’m sure we’ll all get to play Sam and Max Season 1, Episode 5: Reality 2.0 as soon as we’re finished our quest. But first we have to actually finish the quest!
Shillster: Well isn’t that nice!
Shillster: So what do you say, gentlemen?
Which Gate Do You Choose?
Rivers Duo: Well, I sure am convinced! I think I’m gonna go out to my local game store right now and pick up Sam & Max Season 1, Episode 5: Reality 2.0.
Shillster: Not so fast, buddy! The game’s only available online, for the low-low price of–
Rivers Duo: It’s off to the Internet, then!
Captain Necrostreeb: But what about our quest?!?!
Bar-Bar: Why would I ever want to play such a hilarious and well-written game? I have better things to do with my time, like BASTARD BASTARD BASTARD.
Najen: Since when is your name Bar-Bar?
Large Stone Wall: Hooooooooppppppppppeeeeeeeeee youuuuuuuuuuuuuu ennnnnnnnnnnnnnjoooooooooooooooyyyyyyyyyyed thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiisssssss revvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvieeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!