Ever wondered who would win in a fight between Mario and Sonic? Princess Peach and Princess Zelda? Chuck Rock and Phoenix Wright? Every month, DCW pits videogame character versus videogame character in a pro-wrestling match to see who comes out on top.
Paul: Greetings gamefans all across this great globe, and welcome to another adrenified edition of Digital Championship Wrestling! As always I’m Paul Franzen, alongside your friend and mine, “Captain” Eric Regan.
Eric: BOY what a match up we have lined up for tonight! I can’t believe it! Two of the biggest badasses ever to rule over the digital domain!
Paul: The DCW Board of Directors signed this one just for you, the fan! Word is that you haven’t been pleased with this alleged pro-wrestling show’s low levels of testosterone, but that’s all gonna change tonight. Our main event this evening will be so incredibly manly that you’ll probably feel inadequate yourself.
Eric: Speak for yourself there, Mr. Franzen—we all know nothing can me me feel inadequate! (Except, of course, for that MAXXXTREME chick magnet Michael Gray.)
Eric: But who are this true warriors, you ask? Who could possibly be described in such terms? Why, you should already know the answer! It could ONLY be Duke Nukem and SERIOUS Sam!
Paul: There have NEVER been beefier, burlier, musclier videogame characters than these two. This match ain’t gonna be pretty—tonight we’re gonna be an all-out barroom brawl that may not leave a single man standing.
Eric: It’ll be a real blood bath!
Paul: OK, good, the pole is in position, so we’re ready to get this match started!
Eric: Uh, what’s this pole for? I wasn’t informed that this was a gimmick match!
Paul: Didn’t the Board tell you?
Eric: No! What gimmick could possibly be needed when we have two of the greatest warriors around!
Paul: The Board didn’t feel Nukem/Sam by itself would appeal to a wide enough audience, so they added a pole.
Paul: Don’t worry about it though; the pole shouldn’t take away from the fisticuffs we’re about to witness!
Eric: What sort of pole?! I beg to differ. I work for DCW; I know how much they can take away from such EXCITING matchups!
Paul: It’s just a pole!
Paul: Nothing to worry about!
Paul: I mean, there may be something on the pole.
Paul: That our combatants have to retrieve and uh…weartowinthematch.
Paul: But I wouldn’t worry about it.
Paul: LETS GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD!
Eric: Well, I better not be disappointed—that’s all I’m gonna say
Eric: DUKE is making his way down to the ring, where the Serious one already awaits him.
Eric: The what??
Paul: Nothing, don’t worry about it.
Eric: But Duke jumps in and lands a VICIOUS missile drop kick to the mid-section of Sammy, knocking him off the pole and down to the canvas
Paul: The tiara wobbles a little bit, but it doesn’t fall off the pole.
Paul: Sam jumps right back to his feet and punches Duke right in the face, hard.
Eric: Why is there a TIARA! In the ring!
Paul: Don’t worry about it!
Eric: I’M WORRYING ABOUT IT!
Eric: Duke answers with a right of his own, and then a left, oh! And an uppercut! That sends Sam soaring. He takes a few steps back and tries to shake it off
Paul: He bounces backwards off the rope and charges back toward Duke! GORE! GORE! GORE! He UPROOTS Duke and throws him back to the mat, then looks up at his goal: the tiara.
Eric: WHAT IS THIS CRAP! Are you telling me to win this match they have to retrieve and wear a TIARA!?
Paul: That’s what the memo from the Board said.
Paul: We’re after the little girl demographic.
Eric: I REALLY doubt DCW is appealing to ANY little girl.
Eric: Unless of course we count you, Franzen.
Eric: Sam goes for the pole again, but a winded Duke pushes off from the canvas and takes out Sam’s legs and is throwing wild punch after wild punch at the now prone Serious Sam.
Paul: A few more vicious, typewriter-sized fists to the face of Sam, and I do believe the Serious one is out cold! Now all Duke has to do is climb the pole and put on the pretty pretty princess tiara to win!
Eric: Duke is looking up at the pole, but he seems even more ashamed of being a part of this than I am! He looks down at Sam, then back up at the tiara—he just can’t bring him self to start ascending toward this bejeweled “prize.”
Paul: He’s exiting the ring (over the top rope, of course), and I do believe he’s trying to take the countout loss!
Paul: Are there countouts in pole matches, though?
Eric: I am pretty sure the only way to lose involves your opponent retrieving said thing on a pole!
Paul: Thus robbing GameCola of yet another classic victory.
Paul: As Duke’s making his way up the exit ramp, Sam’s rousing from his stupor!
Eric: The corner of Duke’s eye seems to catch Sam’s awakening, and his competitive spirit just cannot let him lose this on! He sprints toward the ring, jumping into the ring and nailing the Serious one with a baseball slide
Eric: BY GAWD that looks brutal…and DUKE is TAPPING!! Unbelievable! DUKE is TAPPING! I highly doubt he has ever even thought about doing that before, let alone actually doing it! What a match!
Paul: Timekeeper Bull Buchanan starts to ring the bell, but Marty Jannetty shakes his head. Submission be damned—this match will only end when one of these men puts on the tiara.
Eric: Realizing his hold will not win this match, San lifts Duke up and slams him to the ground, releasing the hold and making the climb to the elusive… tiara…once again.
Paul: Duke’s completely motionless on the mat, though I guess having all the blood strangled out of your brain will do that to you. Meanwhile, Sam’s reached the apex of the pole, and he’s got the tiara in-hand! This match is almost won!
Eric: But a dazed and confused Nukem is crawling around…gaining his bearings, he forces the pole over! Down come Sam AND the tiara! INSANITY! I sure hope it doesn’t break! HA.
Paul: And Sam goes crashing straight through the Elven announcers’ table, with the tiara skittering off to the side.
Eric: Duke sluggishly makes his way outside of the ring, searching for the dazzling headgear, but Sam is having none of that and smashes the Duke’s face repeatedly against the now crushed announcers’ table.
Paul: Duke picks up a piece of the table and whacks Sam right over the head with it, and Sam falls over backwards.
Eric: With Sam out of the way, Duke lunges for the tiara, holding it high above his head in triumph!
Paul: This is it! The match is over! Put on the tiara, Duke!
Eric: But he won’t bring it down! He just holds it over his head, and the crowd is booing loudly! This one could get ugly, Paul.
Paul: Whasamatter, Duke? Put on the damn tiara!
Eric: He looks around, slowing giving in, lowering the tiara bit by bit.. but then he noticed the now conscience Serious Sam coming straight at him!
Paul: Sam nails Duke with a shoulderblock, but Nukem doesn’t go down! He doesn’t even lose his grip on the tiara!
Eric: Duke then lands a hard knee right to the gut of Sam, which has him reeling! He falls to his knees! Whattashot!
Paul: Duke kicks Sam in the chest and then stomps on his prone body, causing blood to erupt out of Sam’s mouth.
Eric: JEEZ! Such brutality! Even I just want this match to end now! JUST FINISH IT DUKE! THERE IS NOTHING MORE TO PROVE.
Paul: He clearly wants to win, but he just WON’T PUT THE TIARA ON! He’s got it in his hands, he’s got it over his head, but he can’t bring himself to do it!
Eric: He brings the tiara down once again, but this time it seems he has a plan. He walks over to the unconscious Sam, stands over him and once again raises the tiara high above his head.
Paul: I guess he’ll feel more secure if he wears the tiara while standing above his bloodied victim.
Eric: I don’t think that’s it, Paul!
Eric: It seems that he is lowering the tiara…onto the head OF SERIOUS SAM.
Paul: NOW Bull can ring the bell in earnest, because this match is over! And the winner is…the guy laying in a grisly heap!
Paul: Hope all our little girl fans enjoyed this vicious matchup!
Eric: Well, did you, Paul?
Eric: BwahAHAHAH! I BRINGZ DAS FUNNYI
Paul: And that’s about all we’ve got for you this month in Digital Championship Wrestling!
Eric: I sure hope no poles are brought in without my consent next month.
Paul: I heard that one from the other day fully had your consent, but that’s just what Buchanan told me.
Paul: Oh, so he didn’t have your consent? You should talk to the police about that.
Eric: ENOUGH OF THIS BLASPHEMY!!
Paul: Thanks for tuning in to DCW, and we’ll see you again next month!