Choose your own adventure in this RPG-esque adventure that lets you—the reader—vote on its outcome.
When we last left our heroes, Rivers, from within the belly of the leader of the blind horde of sea bears, unleashed the full extent of his fusion powers and became one, literally, with his former devourer. Then came a rousing battle with he and his clan on one side, and the rest of the gang on the other. Minus Necrostreeb, that is. Unbeknownst to the rest of the group, he discovered QM Boy—apparently another result of the fusion blast that rendered Render a girl—and, together, they finally, finally, did what Necrostreeb had set out to do so long ago: They resurrected his apprentice, Streebless.
And then they vowed their revenge on the rest of their party, which is where you—the readers—came in. What form was this revenge to take? Would the Streebs and QM Boy outright kill their former comrades, or would they leave them—still extremely wounded from their battle with the sea bears—alone to die on their own? Or would QM Boy forget the notion of revenge and confess his long-held love for one of the other characters? Find out the answers to these questions and more in this month’s episode of The Gates of Life!
Give Them Liberty?
QM Boy: Actually, I think the best revenge we could take would be to just leave them here. They’re gonna die anyway; why should we make that happen any faster?
Streebless: Yeah! Die! Diediediediedie!!
QM Boy: Let’s go, Streebs.
Necrostreeb: OK, we’re off!
Streebless: Right behind you!
Render Girl: Wait…!
QM Boy: ….
Necrostreeb: Don’t be sucked in by her wicked temptations, QM!
QM Boy: But…but I….
Render Girl: Just hear me out! I know things have gotten pretty rough between us for inexplicable reasons as of late.
Render Girl: But this is no time to fight!
QM Boy: We weren’t fighting. We were leaving you here to die.
Render Girl: Well, it’s no time for that, either!
QM Boy: Then what is it time for?
Render Girl: Right now, Singing Sea Bear Rivers is reforming his Horde of Sea Bears! Making it stronger than ever!
Necrostreeb: Oh yeah? Well what do you propose we do about that?
Render Girl: We must work together! We have to form an Alliance to destroy the wicked Horde of Sea Bears!
QM Boy: An Alliance… to combat the Horde… hmmm. That just might work!
Enrique: Sounds ridiculous to me.
Narrator: Fortunately for our story, what sounds ridiculous to Enrique doesn’t amount to a pile of cranberry buzzard eggs in a lake of sweet buttered soybean oil.
Narrator: Of course you wouldn’t get it. Let’s just move on.
Render Girl: Actually, I don’t get it, either.
QM Boy: Me either.
Necrostreeb: I don’t, either.
Streebless: And I don’t get anything that Necrostreeb doesn’t get! Though I do get everything that he has gotten….
Rosalito: Este não é nenhum tempo para falar sobre STDs, nós deve discutir umas edições mais importantes!
Render Girl: Does anyone remember where this Spanish-speaking guy came from? Or why he thinks any of us can understand Spanish?
Narrator: Actually, unbeknownst to Render, everyone in this story has a reading knowledge of Spanish, except for himself and Rivers.
Render Girl: Seriously?
QM Boy: Yep.
Ghosts of the Lost and Forsaken TGoL Characters: Yep.
QM Boy: We have no idea.
Render Girl: Why the hell not?
QM Boy: Because what he just said was Portuguese.
Rosalito: я буду человеком много языков!
Render Girl: No kidding. We all can use Internet translation sites, too.
Rosalito: Eso está insultando extremadamente.
Render Girl: Anyway, where were we? Oh right. No one understands what Narrator is talking about.
Narrator: Yeah, well no one understood what Rosalito just said, and you aren’t bitching about that!
Render Girl: OK…. Let’s just move on.
Enrique: Good call.
Narrator: Unbeknownst to the readers, everyone’s wounds had plenty of time to heal over the course of that argument. Which is good news, because….
Necrostreeb: Here comes the Horde of Sea Bears again!
Streebless: Oh no! What will we do!
Render Girl: Don’t worry! Our Alliance of TGoL AllStars will handily defeat this Horde of Sea Bears!
Render Girl: Yeah… why?
Enrique: It’s lame.
Streebless: Yeah, it totally is!
Render Girl: Oh shut the hell up, all of you. And since when do you talk without Necrostreeb saying something first?
Streebless: Ah…oh! I’m sorry Necrostreeb! I guess you’ll just have to punish me….
Necrostreeb: Oh you’ll be punished all right….
Render Girl: MOVING ON.
Horde of Sea Bears: Here we are again, Captain Thomas “7-Eye” Render VI of Trelenodora. This is our 342nd, but you can rest assured, LAST meeting.
Alliance of TGoL AllStars: W–
Enrique: No, I’m not being in that.
QM Girl: Me either.
Necrostreeb: Come here Streebless, you BAD BOY!
Streebless: Oh no! Oh no! OH YES!
Ghosts of the Lost and Forsaken TGoL Characters: They really need to bring some of us back. This is getting ridiculous.
Narrator: Couldn’t agree more. Here comes….
Which Gate Do You Choose?
Jonathan: I’m back, and with three new Minotaur powers!
Large Stone Gate
Large Stone Wall: IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-
Render Girl: OK, you’re back. We get it.
Cleanest Gate EVER
Sanitation Supervisor Stu: You know you all wanted me back. And now here I am. Prepare to be DISINFECTED, sea bears!
This poll ends on July 7.