Ever wondered who would win in a fight between Mario and Sonic? Princess Peach and Princess Zelda? Chuck Rock and Phoenix Wright? Every month, DCW pits videogame character versus videogame character in a pro-wrestling match to see who comes out on top.
Paul: Oh my GAWD! Gamefans! Fanzens! Tonight, this very night, in this very ring, we are bringing you what could be the greatest match EVER in the history of videogame wrestling!
Eric: Could be? Oh, it WILL be the greatest. I GUARANTEE.
Paul: Hello everyone, and welcome YET AGAIN to Digital Championship Wrestling! At ringside I’m Paul Franzen, alongside “Captain” Eric Regan.
Paul: It’ll be hard to top last month’s epic brawl among the heroes of Gauntlet…but BY GAWD!
Paul: We’ve got an arch-villain from a classic videogame versus a man who’s coming out of retirement PURELY for this match!
Eric: An ARCH-VILLAIN you say? Damn, that’s some pretty heavy duty stuff.
Paul: You talk Super Mario Bros. 2, and there’s only one baddie that comes to mind.
Eric: Uhh, that thing in the cloud that throws spiky creatures at you?
Eric: DAMN! I hate him!
Paul: That’s Mario 3. There’s only one name that comes to mind when you talk Mario 2, and she will be in our ring tonight!
Eric: A female villain?? What! That’s impossible.
Paul: She had a damn bow on; she must be female!
Paul: Birdo, man! BIRDO!!
Eric: Oh, yes! Birdo!! SPECTACULAR!! I hope whoever she faces knows how to throw stuff! Or else, IT’S OVER.
Paul: Coming out of retirement specifically to face this fiendish fiend…
Paul: None other!
Paul: THE mayor of SimCity!
Eric: OMG WHOA! The MAYOR?!
Eric: That’s big news.
Eric: How did we manage to land such an important superstar?
Paul: Don’t ask questions you won’t like the answers to.
Eric: Wow. OK then!
Eric: These two larger-than-life icons are now making their way to the ring.
Paul: Before the Mayor can get inside, however, Birdo fires an egg that hits him right in the ass!
Eric: That’s gonna leave a mark.
Paul: The Mayor’s clutching his rear end in pain, which gives Birdo the opportunity to sneak up behind, lift him up and deliver a DEVASTATING piledriver down to the concrete floor of the James Pond Memorial Coliseum!
Eric: What the hell! Who knew Birdo could do things OTHER than shoot eggs! I AM IN UTTER DISBELIEF AT THIS MOMENT.
Paul: Birdo’s now sitting on the back of the Mayor and applying a camel clutch!
Paul: AND BY GAWD, THE MAYOR IS TAPPING OUT.
Eric: Weeeaaak. I, for one, thought the Mayor had much more heart than that.
Paul: BUT THE MATCH HASN’T EVEN OFFICIALLY STARTED YET!
Paul: Referee Marty Jannetty can’t do a thing!
Paul: Marty’s shaking Birdo trying to get her to let go, but she won’t release the hold!
Paul: She’s going to snap the Mayor’s back in half!
Eric: The Mayor better wake up! This is worse than when he let those aliens wreck the whole SimCity.
Paul: Finally, Birdo lets go and hops into the ring.
Paul: Marty calls for the bell, and this match is underway!
Eric: BY GAWD! This is insane!
Eric: How can the mayor hope to compete?
Paul: And Marty’s starting his 10-count! If the Mayor doesn’t get into the ring before the referee reaches ten…
Eric: His will must already be in shambles!
Paul: You know what’ll happen?
Paul: SAY IT WITH ME.
Paul: HE WILL BE COUNTED OUT.
Paul: One! Two! Three! Four!
Eric: The mayor meekly crawls to the ring.
Eric: HE HAS A CHANCE!
Paul: Five! Six!
Eric: Dammit Mayor! JUST A FEW MORE INCHES!
Paul: Seven! Eight! NINE!!!
Paul: BY GAWD HE MADE IT IN!
Eric: And Birdo promptly begins to stomp on the battered body of the Mayor.
Eric: Maybe he should have just stayed out…
Paul: The Mayor is grabbing at the ropes, trying to pull himself to his feet, but Birdo is having none of that! She swats and bites and kicks at his hands, and he slumps back down.
Eric: Birdo is now lifting the battered Mayor above her head! GORILLA PRESS SLAM! GORILLA PRESS SLAM.
Paul: Shades of the Ultimate Warrior! Queering doesn’t make the world work, you know.
Eric: Let’s just try to remember the legend and not the man, OK?
Eric: The Mayor is passed out cold on the canvas, and Birdo seems to smell blood! She’s going in for the kill! It’s…it’s…THE BIRDO DEATH LOCK.
Paul: Holy crap! I’ve only ever heard of that move! It was banned in Japan, you know….
Paul: The Mayor is reaching for the ropes, but…well…he didn’t exactly last long in that camel clutch, eh?
Eric: SHOW SOME HEART MAYOR!
Eric: Where is that warrior spirit that made you so endearing to the legions of Sims?
Paul: The Mayor’s about to tap out, but…OH GOD!
Paul: A TORNADO!
Paul: RIGHT HERE IN THE JAMES POND MEMORIAL COLISEUM!!
Eric: I sure hope you bought insurance.
Paul: Dear God, and there’s a fire!!
Eric: I was just beginning to like this coliseum, too.
Eric: Well, OK. Not really.
Paul: AND A PLANE JUST CRASHED RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RING.
Paul: WHAT IS GOING ON??
Eric: Sim Mayor!! YOU’RE OUR ONLY HOPE.
Paul: Look Eric! The Mayor is breaking free!
Eric: It’s like…he had the power to make all these disasters happen, or something.
Eric: Jannetty and Birdo are BOTH distracted! The Mayor is taking this opportunity to lock in a a VICIOUS choke hold on the unsuspecting Birdo.
Paul: AND A FIRE. AND A PLANE CRASH.
Paul: WHO CARE’S ABOUT THE DAMN CHOKEHOLD.
Eric: The Mayor! He wants this win BAD.
Eric: Oh no…what’s this shaking business that’s going on, Paul!
Paul: EARTHQUAKE!!! BY GAWD IT’S AN EARTHQUAKE!!
Paul: MARTY JANNETTY HAS JUST FLED THE ARENA!
Paul: BIRDO IS OUT COLD AND IS BEING SWEPT UP BY THE TORNADO!!
Paul: WHICH IS HEADING STRAIGHT FOR THE FIRE!
Eric: Tornado vs. Fire! ONLY IN DCW,
Paul: AND THE MAYOR IS GETTING INTO THE DOWNED PLANE!
Eric: That bastard! He had this all planned! I KNEW IT.
Eric: He is escaping harm-free!
Paul: The plane takes off and the Mayor of SimCity flies straight out of the open roof of the James Pond Memorial Coliseum!
Eric: So, uhh, what’s the official word on this ending?
Paul: Junior referee Papa Shango is making his way to the ring.
Eric: BIG SHANGS! Here to lay down the law.
Paul: He’s whispering to ring announcer Dawn Marie….
Dawn Marie: Papa Shango has ruled that the winner of this match, via disqualification, is Birdo!
Paul: Hah! I knew that damn chokehold was illegal.
Paul: Well that’s about all the time we have here in the crumbling James Pond Memorial Coliseum!
Eric: Tune in next week for another fabulous non-finish!
Paul: THAT’S ALL FOLKS! Seeya!