Ever wondered who would win in a fight between Mario and Sonic? Princess Peach and Princess Zelda? Chuck Rock and Phoenix Wright? Every month, DCW pits videogame character versus videogame character in a pro-wrestling match to see who comes out on top.
Paul: Ladies and gentlemen! Boys and girls! Children of all ages! Welcome, welcome, to the greatest spectacle ever in the combined histories of professional wrestling and videogames! Welcome, my little Fanzens, to Digital Championship Wrestling.
Eric: I’m not sure that the one- to four-year-old range should be viewing this disaster we have planned
Eric: Wait, Fanzens?! Ouch.
Paul: As always I’m Paul Franzen, alongside my partner in life, “Captain” Eric Regan, and we’re here to kick-start your July right with a real Match of the Year candidate.
Eric: But, to be honest, which of our matches WOULDN’T be a Match of the Year in any other promotion?
Paul: Aside from the ill-fated mixed martial arts contest between Guybrush Threepwood and a ninja? None!
Eric: That’s actually in the lead on my ballot.
Paul: But this one we’ve got tonight is a real humdinger, let me tell you. You think last month’s was epic…well, Eric, last month’s match only had TWO combatants…DIDN’T IT.
Eric: Whoa, wait.
Eric: I was not informed that such excitement was going down this evening!
Paul: What we’ve got lined up tonight is a Texas-tornado style elimination extravaganza staring no less than the stars of Gauntlet!: RED WARRIOR, BLUE VALKYRIE, YELLOW WIZARD AND GREEN ELF.
Paul: Every man and woman will be in the ring at the same time, and this thing is gonna keep going until only one’s left standing!
Eric: Green Elf? C’mon, that’s a bit racist, don’t you think?
Eric: Why isn’t it Blue Elf, or Red Elf!
Eric: I played that game—you can be any color! I KNOW THINGS!
Paul: Too late! He’s already green! There’s nothing more that can be done.
Paul: Unless he gets a game over. You might be able to change colors then; I forget.
Eric: Yeah, who pays attention to such details.
Eric: It’s not like we here at the ‘COLA are used to death screens!
Paul: I don’t even know what one looks like.
Eric: For sure!
Paul: Our combatants are in the ring now, each in his or her own corner…let’s get it started in here!
Paul: As our combatants look for the advantage, I’ve got a question for you, “Captain.”
Paul: The thumbs tell me that you’re “psychic” now…so tell me, Eric…who’s gonna win this matchup!
Eric: I’m going to go with the stereotypical Green Elf. The fix is in—I just know it
Paul: You might be right, Eric, as t fires off a few arrows and takes the Blue Valkyrie down to her knees! Did I mention that this match was no DQ?
Eric: Arrows?! What kind of circus are you running here, Franzen!
Paul: All my Fanzens would have no less!
Eric: It looks like the Yellow Wizard is readying up a spell!
Paul: Before he can fire it off, though, Red Warrior steps forward and lops the Wizard’s left arm off with his mighty axe!
Eric: Man! What the hell! THAT WAS HIS ARM!
Paul: Undaunted, the Yellow Wizard casts a shrinking spell on the Red Warrior, who is now about the size of an N-Gage.
Eric: N-Gages were pretty big if, I remember.
Eric: And the Blue guy seems to be going for some sort of maneuver now!
Paul: The Valkyrie? I don’t even know what the hell a Valkyrie is.
Eric: Not a big mythology fan, Mr. Fanzen?
Paul: But the cute little Red Warrior’s putting a stop to that before we can find out exactly what it is that valkyries do, as he’s hacking away at her foot with his tiny, tiny axe.
Eric: Why is he cute just because he is small? I don’t recall that adjective being used when he was a big hulking brute
Paul: Look at him! Awwww, he’s so tiny! How’s dat widdle ickle baby Warrior gonna hurt the big bad valkyrie?
Eric: Seek help!
Eric: It looks like the Green Elf has pinpoint accuracy, as his arrow just sent the wee Warrior sailing.
Paul: And with a THWACK, Red Warrior is now pinned, via arrow, to one of the turnbuckles, leaving him indisposed while the other three do battle.
Paul: Have we seen a single wrestling maneuver in this bout yet, Eric?
Paul: The Yellow Wizard is waving his one remaining arm, preparing another spell of some sort, but before he can pull it off the Green Elf sneaks up behind him with a school-boy pinning maneuver!
Paul: One, two, thr–nope! Boy was that close!
Eric: Damn those sneaky elves!
Paul: Meanwhile, the tiny, baby, cute iddle widdle Red Warrior is struggling to get free…and he does! He plucks the arrow out of the turnbuckle and charges toward the Blue Valkyrie.
Paul: I’ve not seen such braver–
Eric: Who quickly sidesteps, sending the Warrior charging right out of the ring
Paul: Is this a…countout I’m smelling?
Eric: I’m not even sure of the rules.
Eric: That’s your territory, chief!
Paul: Meanwhile, the Yellow Wizard’s spell is being unleashed!
Eric: Sadly, he miscasts, and his remaining arm is now engulfed in flames.
Eric: Bad break!
Eric: It looks like the Red Warrior is trying to get back in the ring, with no luck.
Paul: Awwww! Someone should give the cutsey shmutsey a boostie!
Paul: Wait, FLAMES??
Paul: The Yellow Wizard is running around the ring in terror, trying to put HIS BLAZING AFIRE ARM OUT!
Paul: And he’s…YES, Eric! I think he’s going for the classic “stop, drop and roll” maneuver!
Paul: Man, I haven’t seen that one since I was in sixth grade
Eric: Sixth grade, eh? That’s a little old.
Paul: The fire’s finally out, and the Yellow Wizard’s taking a breather…which is bad plan when he’s laying on the mat like that! YELLOW WIZARD IS ABOUT TO BE PINNED!
Paul: And there he goes! Before he even knows what’s happening, the Green Elf steps on the Yellow Wizard and gets the 1-2-3!
Paul: We’re down to three combatants in this elimination-rules match!
Eric: Make that TWO! The Red Warrior hath JUST been counted out!
Eric: SMELL THE EXCITEMENT
Paul: NO! Not the little ‘un!
Eric: You mean MY pick!
Eric: And that blue thing.
Paul: The elf punches and the other one kicks or something—who cares.
Eric: THE FAN CARES.
Eric: EVERYONE LOVES THE DCW!
Paul: WHERE’S MY ITTLE WICKIE SNUGGLEUMPKINS!
Paul: HE LITTLE RED GUY!
Eric: Didn’t I tell you to get that strange fasciation checked out!
Eric: As the Green Elf is readying yet ANOTHER arrow, the Valkyrie of Blue comes charging in and slams him to the mat!
Eric: She is going for the figure-four!
Paul: She locks it in, but the Green Elf still has access to his bow! With deft, cat-like quickness he launches and arrow straight into the left eye of the Valkyire! BY GAWD, THE DESTRUCTICITY!
Eric: WHAT IS THIS! The valkyrie is unfazed! And deepens the hold! NO WAY!
Paul: My GAWD! With an arrow LODGED INTO HER EYE and blood POURING OUT ITS SOCKET, she still holds on to her deadly maneuver! The Green Elf is struggling to maintain consciousness, but he’s still awake enough to ready another arrow!
Eric: Losing conscious from a figure-four? Man, that Valkyrie has some deadly power!
Paul: Maybe THAT’s what they do. I still have no idea.
Eric: Go read a book, man!
Eric: The Green Elf has made his way to the ropes, and the ref is telling the lady in blue that she must break the hold!
Eric: However, she just wont let go!
Paul: And why should she! This match is no DQ—senior official Marty Jannetty can’t do nothin’ here.
Eric: He really should have known that!
Eric: How unprofessional!
Paul: The Green Elf is holding onto the ropes for dear life, and now she’s actually pulling herself up them! She’s now dangling from the top rope, but the Blue Valkyrie, her blood spurting all over the ring…STILL won’t let go!
Eric: It looks like the Elf can take no more!! The Green Elf is about to tap! But wait! What’s this…the Blue Valkyrie has fallen unconscious! The blood loss, it was just too much!
Paul: Oh, Eric, you’re gonna like this.
Paul: It looks as though the Elf has tapped out at EXACTLY the same moment that the Valkyrie PASSED out!!
Eric: It cant be!
Paul: I’m afraid that’s what Jannetty’s saying!
Eric: He doesn’t know anything!
Eric: He hasn’t even read the rule book!!
Eric: Someone competent please save this show!
Paul: OH MY GOD!
Paul: THERE HE IS!
Paul: HE’S BACK!
Paul: MY LIDDLE ICKLE WICKLE SNUGGLEUPKINS WARRYOR!
Eric: The pain.
Eric: The pain.
Paul: I think HE should be announced as the winner.
Eric: Except for the fact that he was counted out a long time ago.
Paul: He won this match just as much as everyone else did.
Paul: Except for my MILLIONS of FANZENS! They’re the true winners here.
Eric: No, no, they really aren’t.
Eric: We here at DCW are ALL losers.
Paul: Well, everyone, thank you once again for welcoming us into your homes this evening!
Eric: I thought you said this wouldn’t happen again!
Paul: See you all again next month in Digital Championship Wrestling, where no finish is a good finish.
Eric: DAMN STRAIGHT!