Choose your own adventure in this RPG-esque adventure that lets you—the reader—vote on its outcome.
When we last left our heroes, Singing Sea Bear Rivers had mauled—but not to death—everyone who’s currently important to the story. Everyone, that is, except for Necrostreeb, Streebless, and QM Boy, who were about to leave the rest of the party to die. Render Girl, however, convinced them to stay and form an alliance to battle the new threat that is Rivers and his Horde of Sea Bears.
Before they could plan their next move, however, Rivers and the bears were back and ready to take a pre-emptive strike. But then an old friend returned. And that’s where you, the readers, came in! Who was set to return and aid in this battle? Who’s side would this person be on? What outcome will the battle have? Will Rivers be a bear forever? And how many goddamn times are our heroes going to fight singing sea bears, anyway? You may find out the answers to these questions and more in this month’s episode of The Gates of Life!
Jonathan: I’m back, and with three new Minotaur powers!
Necrostreeb: Score!! Oh boy, I can’t wait to see what our old friend can do!!!
Streebless: Yes, score, definitely!! Score score! I hope it’ll help us!
Render Girl: Good point. Are any of your three new Minotaur powers going to get rid of the sea bears for good? We’ve been fighting them for like four straight chapters now. It’s getting old.
Rosalito: Sí, ayúdenos por favor con los osos.
Jonathan: I guess we’re about to find out.
Narrator: And with that–
Singing Sea Bear Rivers: So the Minotaur is back. Huh.
Narrator: –Jonathan unleashed the–
Singing Sea Bear Rivers: Well, it will do them no gooood.
Narrator :–first of three–
Singing Sea Bear Rivers: I’m the most powerful sea bear yet,
Singing Sea Bear Rivers: And I am all up in their ‘hood!
Singing Sea Bear Rivers: Ahh! Oh God! What did you do to me??
Narrator: Just as Rivers was reaching the end of his song, a brilliant red light shot out of one of Jonathan’s three horns!
Narrator: And then, just as Rivers was hitting the last note on the word “‘hood”…
Narrator: …his voice cracked!
Narrator: And, that was pretty much it.
Rosalito: ¿Qué? ¿Está eso él?
Jonathan: Quick. I’ve provided the distraction. Get him.
QM Boy: I know I’m knew to this whole “being a boy” thing, but is a voice cracking really–
Bar-Bar: Try the second power, you BASTARD SONOFABITCH WHORE.
Necrostreeb: Yeah! Power number two!!
Streebless: I mean, power number one was great!! Don’t get me—us—wrong! But I—we—really wanna see what else you have up your sleeve, Jonathan!
Jonathan: I don’t understand why you didn’t attack. We had him.
Render Girl: Are you gonna do something, or what?
Jonathan: If you insist….
Narrator: Jonathan reared up and started to conjure up his SECOND awesome ability!
Narrator: But, as he was doing that, and as the rest of the TGoL AllStars were just standing around being useless, Rivers’ minions—the Horde of Sea Bears—went on the attack!
Enrique: d00d, hurry the hell up!
Narrator: A beam of blue light shot out of Jonathan’s second horn, and it quickly formed a circle around the attacking sea bears!
Narrator: And then, at that point, the light tightened around the sea bears….
Narrator: And it made them all hiccup!
Narrator: At the same time.
Render Girl: Oh for the love of….
Jonathan: Get them. Now. While they’re stunned.
Necrostreeb: Ooooh! Do me!! Do me next!!!
Streebless: No way! It’s totally my turn to hiccup!! Make me hiccup, Jonathan!!! Please??
Jonathan: Well if you–
Render Girl!: NO! Jesus Christ, can we please just get rid of the goddamn bears?!
Jonathan: Well I still have one more pow–
Render Girl: You’d better! You better not have spent the last like eight chapters developing these ultimate powers to crack people’s voices and make them hiccup! You’d better have something godly coming up next!
Narrator: With that, a searing yellow light shot out of Jonathan’s third horn!
Which Gate Do You Choose?
Stop Thief! Vandal!
Narrator: The yellow light hit Rivers square in his big snout, and, slowly, Rivers started to fuse with the water itself.
Singing Sea Bear Rivers: You piece of crap! You stole my damn power!!
Narrator: The yellow light hit Rivers square in his big snout, and then the truth came out.
Singing Sea Bear Rivers: You got me! Me and Apul have been the same person all along!
Let’s Not Be Too Hasty
Narrator: The yellow light hit Rivers square in his big snout, and then, nothing happened.
Narrator: Until the TGoL AllStars all realized how slowly Rivers was now moving.
Still I Think He’s Rather Tasty
Narrator: The yellow light hit Rivers square in his big snout, and then Rivers turned into a cupcake.
This poll ends on August 7.