Ever wondered who would win in a fight between Mario and Sonic? Princess Peach and Princess Zelda? Chuck Rock and Phoenix Wright? Every month, DCW pits videogame character versus videogame character in a pro-wrestling match to see who comes out on top.
Paul: Word up, my gamefans! Welcome to Digital Championship Wrestling, live from the James Pond Memorial Coliseum—recently refurbished after being assaulted last month by the Mayor of SimCity and his various tornados, fires, earthquakes, and plane crashes.
Eric: So what trick did you use to fix it up this time? I know there is no way you footed that bill, Franzen.
Paul: Don’t ask, don’t tell, Regan—that’s all I’m gonna say.
Paul: But how about the matchup we’ve got lined up for THE FAN today!
Paul: This could be the greatest match in Digital Championship Wrestling, this match.
Eric: The greatest? Every match in DCW is the greatest. We have a collection of the greats! How could we possibly top them all.
Paul: We have for you tonight, ladies and gentlemen…
Paul: THE greatest videogame icon in the HISTORY of videogames…
Paul: THE greatest videogame icon in the HISTORY of videogames!
Eric: How can the same man go up against himself?!
Paul: Damned if I know!
Eric: BLASPHEMY, I SAYS.
Paul: But it’s Paper Mario vs. Baby Mario, and it starts NOW.
Eric: Baby Mario??
Paul: And it’s off to a rousing start, with Baby Mario crying in the corner, and Paper Mario sort of wafting over his way.
Eric: How did this get sanctioned!
Eric: Babies in rings?! INSANITY.
Paul: Digital Championship Wrestling: The ONLY wrestling federation that features babies getting mauled.
Eric: Now THAT’S a tagline.
Eric: Well, I sure hope this match is more spectacular that in looks on paper.
Paul: Hah! On paper! That’s a good one, Regan.
Paul: Like Paper Mario, right?
Eric: Silence, you! No puns!
Paul: And Paper Mario’s almost managed to breeze his way over to where Baby Mario is sitting and crying!
Eric: It looks like his endless sea of tears is dampening his opponent! This might not be the mauling I had expected.
Paul: Paper Mario is down, weighed down to the canvas by this mass of tears!
Paul: Baby Mario crawls over and goes for the pinfall…
Eric: …but Paper Mario is tossing and turning, and he now seems to be stuck to Paper Mario!
Paul: Baby Mario bursts into tears again, scurrying around the ring trying to shake Paper Mario off.
Paul: And he…sort of succeeds, running head-first into the turnbuckle and knocking himself silly, but also leaving Paper Mario kinda stuck to the turnbuckle.
Eric: Baby Mario is backing up, and look at that! He is charging at the soggy paper
Paul: He runs straight into Paper Mario, which dislodges him from the turnbuckle, and both men are are on their feet now, though Paper Mario ain’t lookin’ so hot.
Eric: Paper Mario goes on the offense, slapping away with what he calls “hands.”
Paul: You know I was just waiting for this one, Regan….BY GAWD, BABY MARIO HAS SUFFERED SOME DEADLY PAPER CUTS!
Paul: His face is positively SLASHED open!
Paul: Blood is oozing out of the baby’s face!
Eric: That’s some weak skin!
Paul: Well, younglings are known for their softness and suppleness.
Paul: As I hear you know very well.
Eric: Really? Because I’m pretty sure you’re the one popular with the preteen girls!
Eric: Baby Mario is recovering and going for Paper Mario’s knees.
Eric: Oh my! Look at those vicious bites! Well, it’s more of a gnaw, really, since his tooth hasn’t come in yet.
Paul: Enough to tear a small hole in Paper Mario, though, who is running away from Baby Mario before the infant can do any more damage.
Paul: Paper Mario’s heading outside the ring…he’s looking under the ring…and he’s going for…YES, I believe that’s the hammer he uses to smite foes in the game!
Paul: He totally uses it in the N64 one, anyway.
Paul: It may very well be time for some whack-a-baby action!
Eric: He swings back into the ring, going wild with his newfound weapon.
Eric: Baby Mario is evading the attacks so far, but it really is taking a toll on him.
Eric: He is winded!
Paul: Not as much as our referee! A wild swing clocks Marty Jannetty square in the face, and our official is down for the count.
Paul: Paper Mario goes for another swing, and—CRACK—he seems to have hit his mark, this time!
Paul: That sound you just heard, ladies and gentlemen, was a large hammer striking an infant in the head, hard.
Eric: BY GAWD.
Eric: I sure hope no parent watch-groups read this!
Paul: Baby Mario is completely out cold, and bleeding, profusely.
Paul: Paper Mario drops the hammer and jumps on top of his opponent, going for the pinfall–
Paul: –but the referee is still out!
Paul: Paper Mario hops back up and tries to rouse Marty Jannetty….and he succeeds!
Paul: And he goes for the pinfall again.
Eric: But the baby kicks out.
Paul: He got HIT in the HEAD with a VERY large HAMMER!!
Paul: HOW IS THAT BABY STILL ALIVE.
Eric: SKILLS, SON.
Paul: BABIES DON’T GOT NO SKILLS.
Paul: WHAT IS THIS.
Paul: AND who is that???
Paul: BY GAWD, I think it is!
Paul: He’s got an egg in his hand, and he’s aiming right for Paper Mario’s chest!
Paul: But Paper Mario notices!
Paul: Taking his eyes off the infant, he runs and DIVES OVER THE TOP ROPE AND KICKS YOSHI RIGHT IN THE NOSE!
Paul: And he’s wringing Yoshi’s limp neck!
Eric: Poor Yoshi!
Eric: Too bad he isn’t a part of this match.
Eric: All that hard work, wasted.
Paul: Not so much, Eric!
Paul: Marty’s just reached 5 on his ten count!
Eric: Yoshi may have just delivered the win to Baby Mario.
Paul: 6! 7!!
Paul: But Paper Mario finally notices the referee! He drops Yoshi’s lifeless form and dives back under the bottom rope.
Paul: Where he meets a swift kick from Baby Mario!
Eric: By gaaaaawds!
Paul: Too bad the kick came from Baby Mario, and not someone who could actually do damage that way! Paper Mario felt NOTHING, and he’s now throttling the infant like he just did Yoshi.
Paul: Baby Mario’s really not moving of his own accord now…and the referee calls for the bell!
Eric: What is this!
Eric: I NEED CLOSURE
Paul: Hang on, Regan….
Paul: I’m getting word in my headset….
Paul: That the winner of this match…is, indeed, Paper Mario, via…referee stoppage due to Baby Mario being unconscious and bleeding and generally being in no shape to compete.
Paul: So! That’s that, then!
Paul: And that’s all we’ve got for you this month in Digital Championship Wrestling.
Paul: For the Captain, I’m Paul Franzen saying thanks for checking us out this month!