Choose your own adventure in this RPG-esque adventure that lets you—the reader—vote on its outcome.
When we last left our heroes, they were about to do battle with their old friend Rivers and his Horde of Sea Bears when a second friend, Jonathan the Minotaur, showed up to join the fray. He unleashed two of his three new powers onto Rivers—the ability to make others’ voices crack and the ability to make others hiccup.
He then unleashed his third new power, and that’s where you, the readers, came in! What, exactly, was his third power? Could he make people tell the truth? Could he make them move in slow motion? Could he turn them into cupcakes? Find out the answers to these questions and more in this month’s episode of The Gates of Life!
Let’s Not Be Too Hasty
Narrator: The yellow light hit Rivers square in his big snout, and then, nothing happened.
Narrator: Until the TGoL AllStars all realized how slowly Rivers was now moving.
Render Girl: Slow movement effects aside for the moment, I want to know why Jonathan has three horns all of a sudden.
Jonathan: Have I not always had three horns?
Render Girl: Not that I can remember. Narrator?
Narrator: But before Narrator could answer the question, the true power of the yellow beam from the third horn of the minotaur made itself known.
True Third Power: Muahahahahaha! Despair, ye mortals! For I have been awakened!
Streebless: Oh no! what could that mean!?
True Third Power: It’s simple, my dear spoon.
Enrique: Not a spoon.
True Third Power: What?
QM Boy: He’s not a spoon. You’re thinking of Spoonlad.
True Third Power: I know; that’s who I’m talking to.
Singing Sea Bear Rivers: No, you were talking to Streebless. It’s a completely different character.
True Third Power: Seriously? Wow, I’m sorry.
Streebless: It’s OK.
True Third Power: It’s just that you are so similar, with the whole….
Streebless: I SAID IT’S OK!
True Third Power: Right. Anyway, as I was saying.
Narrator: But before the True Third Power could explain, he erupted into thousands of flaming fire balls of death and despair.
True Third Power: Nooo…I wanted to explaaaaain….
Rosalito: Dios mio!
Render Girl: Should we be moving out of the way, or what?
Necrostreeb: Aren’t you supposed to be the leader?
Narrator: Don’t bother. I’ll tell you all what happens.
Render Girl: OK, do it.
Narrator: I’m going to.
Render Girl: So do it already.
Narrator: I will!
Render Girl: I’m waiting.
Narrator: ENOUGH. You all die! That’s right. Every last one of you gets burned to a crisp and the story is over.
Render Girl: Apparently not.
Bar-Bar: I’m still here… BASTARDS.
Rivers: And so am I…wait, why am I back in my original form?
Render Girl: You mean Apul form, or the one right after that?
Rivers: I mean my ORIGINAL form. I was never Apul.
Render Girl: Right. Hey, wait. Why haven’t I reverted, too?
Rivers: My guess is that the fires burned away everything except my original form. Since you technically had your man parts switched with QM Boy, and she appears to have burned to a crisp…
Render Girl: You mean… they incinerated my…
Bar-Bar: HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!!!!!! This is the best day of my life!
Render Girl: ….
Narrator: There was a time when my narration actually meant something. When I said something, it actually happened. Why are you three still alive?
Render Girl: That’s what I want to know. What’s the point of continuing to live?
Rivers: Oh come on, we’ve got a lot left to live for!
Render Girl: Easy for you to say. You still have a penis.
Bar-Bar: You may need a microscope to see it, but its there! ASS BASTARD BASTARDS!!
Render Girl: Let’s try to keep the juvenile jokes to a minimum. This is The Gates of Life. It’s a serious drama about real people. We don’t have time to waste on fourth grade humor.
Narrator: Here’s an idea. Fight to the death.
Rivers: What? Why?
Narrator: Well, don’t you all want to be the leader?
Render Girl: I don’t care anymore.
Narrator: Well you want to die anyway, so why not fight to the death?
Render Girl: Good point—I’m in.
Rivers: But…my original form never wanted to be the leader!
Narrator: Well then you’d better hope you don’t have to fight in round one!
Which Gate Do You Choose?
Old Friends: Render Girl vs. Rivers
Rivers: We don’t need to do this!
Render Girl: What else is there to do?
Rivers: We need to keep living! To complete our quest!
Render: The only quest I have is to cut off your manhood and make you feel the infinite sadness I feel before I release you into the arms of the reaper.
Rivers: You are more emo than I am now that your penis is gone.
Old Enemies: Render Girl vs. Bar-Bar
Render Girl: Works for me.
Old Friends…wait…enemies? Apul doesn’t count!
Rivers: OK, fine. It’s fusion time.
This poll ends on September 7.