Ever wondered who would win in a fight between Mario and Sonic? Princess Peach and Princess Zelda? Chuck Rock and Phoenix Wright? Every month, DCW pits videogame character versus videogame character in a pro-wrestling match to see who comes out on top.
Paul: Ladies and gentlemen, WELCOME, to GameCola’s Sixth Annual New Year’s Awards Special.
Paul: And welcome, more importantly, to this year’s edition of the DCW Dino Riki Invitational battle royal!
Paul: As always, I’m Paul Franzen, alongside my cohort, “Captain” Eric Regan..
Eric: Who is this Dino Riki fellow you keep mentioning?
Paul: Why, thanks for the opportunity for me to slip in a quick history lesson!
Paul: Three years ago, our very first DCW battle royal was one by an NES star named Dino Riki.
Eric: Three? Damn, we’re old.
Eric: Put us out to pasture.
Eric: IT’S OVER.
Paul: And, ever since, we’ve held battle royals in his honor, ever year, as a memorial to this great legend and a tribute to GameCola’s biggest issue of the year.
Eric: A truly informative lesson.
Paul: Let’s get this rumble started!
Eric: Battle royal, Mr. Franzen, battle royal. We don’t need any legal problems.
Paul: The number one entrant, Dewey, from that classic Wii title Dewey’s Adventure, is already in the ring.
Eric: BY GAWD! LOOK AT THAT! Out of nowhere BONK, from Bonk’s adventure, swings down from the catwalk and knocks Dewey clear out of the arena.
Paul: But Dewey didn’t even get to show off his amazing powers!
Paul: You know what he can do, Eric?
Paul: See, he’s a drop of water….
Paul: And, at will, he can turn into ice.
Paul: Or AIR!
Eric: Well, as useful as that sounds…he’s outta here, and our third grappler is making his way to the ring….
Paul: …and it’s Carth, that gun-wielding rouge from Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic!
Eric: That loser? I left him at the apartment 90% of the game.
Paul: Yeah, actually, I definitely played a lot more with the android and the Wookie.
Eric: What a waste of character space. Han Solo you are not, sir!
Eric: Bonk rushes head-first at Carth, who sidesteps the small loincloth-clad lad with ease.
Paul: Carth steadies his blaster and takes aim, but Bonk dives forward and headbuts the Jedi-wannabe in the knee!
Eric: Blasters are not legal objects!
Paul: There is NO DQ in a battle royal, Eric! Anything goes!
Paul: The only way to be eliminated from this matchup is to be tossed over the top rope, at which point the next competitor is allowed to enter the bout.
Paul: There’s gonna be ten entrants in total, and the character man standing wins.
Eric: Carth, now nursing his knees, attempts to get back on his feet, but stumbles and falls…only to meet another vicious headbut by the bonkman.
Paul: Carth is down, and Bonk scales the top turnbuckle to attempt some sort of aerial maneuver.
Eric: It’s…a flying…HEADBUT! Man, this kid is full of innovation.
Paul: Carth is now bleeding from the mouth, he looks dazed, and, quite frankly, he doesn’t look like he’s in any sort of condition to compete.
Paul: Bonk’s helping Carth up to his feet…is this a showing of good sportsmanship from the caveman? He was the good guy in his game, after all.
Eric: What is this treachery!? Carth has just kicked Bonk right in the nuts! And now he’s picked up the wee hero and tossed him out into the crowd!
Eric: Poor decision-making skills really cursed the jungle kid on that one, eh Paul?
Paul: You can make Carth EVIL???
Paul: I couldn’t get him to be evil in MY GAME.
Paul: THIS IS SUCH CRAP.
Eric: Years and years of being told “you suck” really take a toll on a man.
Paul: Ah, and I think our next competitor knows all about sucking, Eric!
Eric: Well, by that description he must come from some sort of Wii-based game, am I right?
Paul: Well, he’s not in one yet, Eric! But he will be. Oh, he will be.
Paul: It’s Kirby, ladies and gentlemen!
Eric: The pain you bring me each month is unbearable, you know.
Paul: I don’t think you get it.
Paul: He “sucks” in enemies to use their powers!
Eric: Carth, still badly beaten, is barely standing up straight. Kirby goes on the attack, sucking Carth right up!
Eric: I wonder what powers he gets for this one.
Paul: We should find out soon, Eric, but in the meantime, Kirby has EXPELLED Carth over the top rope, and the KOTOR hero is out of this match!
Paul: In the meantime, I think I see our next competitor making his way to the ring!
Eric: It appears to be…a piñata? What’s a pinata doing here.
Paul: That’s not any piñata, Eric—that’s Fergy Fudgehog, from the classic 360 title Viva Piñata!
Eric: Yes. Fudgehog: a fitting DCW name
Paul: Fergy crawls under the bottom rope to meet Kirby, who’s readying his new superpower.
Paul: But before he gets a chance to unleash it, he gets rammed by the piñata, and he goes DOWN.
Eric: FUDGE IS FLYING EVERYWHERE.
Eric: Oh, the humanity.
Eric: Kirby is attempting to get up, but he is once again plastered from his blindside by the relentless piñata.
Paul: The piñata has Kirby at his mercy, and….yes, he appears to be shoving chocolate bars down the helpless pile of goo’s throat!
Paul: Kirby is coughing up blood and chocolate, and he appears to be totally immobilized.
Paul: And before he gets the chance to recover, he gets tossed out of the ring by this vicious piñata.
Paul: This piñata is out to win, Eric.
Paul: At any cost.
Eric: Even if that cost is its precious, precious candies.
Eric: Look! It’s sprung a leak.
Paul: Skittles and lifesavers are leaking out of Fergy Fudgehog’s eye sockets as his next opponent—THE GREAT MIGHTY POO!—plops into the ring.
Eric: Wait, what?
Paul: Didn’t you ever play Conker’s Bad Fur Day?!
Paul: I swear, there was this character that was, LITERALLY, a pile of shit.
Eric: I sure hope today isn’t the day the health inspectors show up.
Paul: And he is currently stinking up that very ring.
Eric: I am not cleaning the mats after this one.
Eric: The piñata seems awfully unsure about what to do about this new combatant, as he is cautiously walking backwards around…it.
Paul: And Fudgy dives over the top rope, eliminating himself and leaving several candies in his wake.
Eric: Well, that kind of negates your win at any cost statement, doesn’t it, Franzen.
Eric: But look at THIS! It’s the one man Mighty Poo thought he would never have to see in this match!
Eric: Janitor Ned! A secret character from the FAMED N64 classic Mace: The Dark Age.
Eric: Ned comes out with sweeper a blazing, pushing that hunk of crap right to the brink of elimination.
Paul: But the Poo reaches his hands back and starts throttling the janitor!
Eric: A few swift jabs from his trust sweeping tool have Ned free, but he is winded from the tight grasp…and smell…of this dastardly foe.
Paul: Yeah, actually, someone should do something about this poo, or I’ll have to start reconsidering my seat here at ringside.
Paul: And nobody wants that—NOBODY wants me to give up my commentating post!
Paul: FINISH THE POO, NED! FINISH HIM!
Paul: Ned’s got the poo backed up against the ring ropes…he’s pushing at the poo’s, uh, I think it’s a chin with the end of his broom…he’s pushing hard….
Eric: Enough of that! Just stop it!
Paul: What! There wasn’t even a pun in there?
Paul: …was there??
Eric: Ned is really working over MP with his broom; the poo is mightily confused! He has no idea where he is. He’s trying to retreat to the top rope.
Eric: Nothing good can come from this.
Paul: Holy crap, am I that good at puns??
Paul: Ned goes up to the top rope to grapple WITH the poo!
Eric: Oh no! Ned tripped, and BOTH men are out of this competition.
Paul: And without giving us announcers time to catch a breather, our next TWO competitors are entering the ring!
Paul: And BY GAWD, we’re about to have one hell of a slobberknocker.
Paul: KEN AND RYU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!
Eric: Things just got a little more epic here in the James Pond Memorial Coliseum.
Eric: Both men stand at opposite sides of the ring, repeatedly shooting fire balls at one another.
Paul: I wanna see a hadoooooken.
Eric: Yes, that’s the cry you will be hearing in your head for weeks now.
Eric: Ken and Ryu have been canceling each other out with fireballs for a good 20 minutes now.
Eric: Will this ever end.
Paul: Well uhh…hmm….
Eric: And there is no show of fatigue in either of these two highly trained athletes… unfortunately.
Paul: I am so bored.
Eric: Uh oh! It looks like Ken didn’t hit his button combo right, as he is blasted in the face with one of the red fireballs!
Paul: And he goes flying over the top rope!
Eric: BY GAWD.
Paul: FINALLY, entrant number TEN—the final entrant!!—can enter the ring.
Eric: WHO is the truly lucky combatant this year?!
Eric: Who has the shot at DCW immortality?
Eric: Zipperhead?! From BIO F.R.E.A.K.S?!
Paul: WHO BETTA THAN ZIPPERHEAD.
Paul: Yeah, I think that’s how it goes.
Eric: Ryu and Zipperhead circle each other, not wanting to let their respective legendary fighting game series down.
Eric: Are you daring to doubt the validity of Street Fighter’s status as legendary!?
Paul: Of course!
Paul: You mean to tell me that Bad Mr. Frosty WOULDN’T be able to kick the crap outta both these jabronis, at the same time?!
Eric: Zipper beats snowball—everyone knows that.
Paul: You must’ve played some really screwed up version of Rock Paper Scissors.
Eric: Haven’t you ever played Zipper Snowball Leaves?
Eric: ITS EPIC!
Paul: OK, let’s go.
Paul: Right now.
Paul: LET’S DO IT.
Paul: Zipper Snowball Leaves…SHOOT!
Paul: HAH! I have zipper.
Paul: Eat it.
Eric: I had leaves.
Eric: No, wait.
Paul: Sucks to be Captain Eric.
Eric: I win.
Eric: Leaves beats Zipper.
Paul: You got an official rule book to back you up?
Eric: I AM the official rule book.. BIAATCH.
Eric: Well, it looks like Ryu’s fireballs have no affect on this mutated metal mass.
Eric: Zipperhead is going in for the kill.
Paul: And he clotheslines Ryu over the top rope!
Paul: Zipperhead wins!
Eric: Wow, that sure was anticlimactic.
Paul: Well, the really climactic stuff happened when I was kicking your ass in Zipper Snowball Leaves.
Eric: ‘Cept yours was the ass that was manhandled.
Eric: Err, wait. That doesn’t sound right.
Paul: No, Eric.
Paul: It sounds allllll riiiiiight to me.
Eric: Wow, look at the time!
Eric: I have to be going.
Eric: *runs out of the arena*
Paul: Wait, Eric!
Paul: Come back!
Paul: Eric…come back….
Paul: Oh…oh, Eric.
Paul: Some day…some day….