Digital Championship Wrestling: The Third Annual Dino Rikki Invitational Battle Royal

Ladies and gentlemen, WELCOME, to GameCola's Sixth Annual New Year's Awards Special. And welcome, more importantly, to this year's edition of the DCW Dino Riki Invitational battle royal!

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Ever wondered who would win in a fight between Mario and Sonic? Princess Peach and Princess Zelda? Chuck Rock and Phoenix Wright? Every month, DCW pits videogame character versus videogame character in a pro-wrestling match to see who comes out on top.

Paul: Ladies and gentlemen, WELCOME, to GameCola’s Sixth Annual New Year’s Awards Special.

Paul: And welcome, more importantly, to this year’s edition of the DCW Dino Riki Invitational battle royal!

Paul: As always, I’m Paul Franzen, alongside my cohort, “Captain” Eric Regan..

Eric: Who is this Dino Riki fellow you keep mentioning?

Paul: Why, thanks for the opportunity for me to slip in a quick history lesson!

Paul: Three years ago, our very first DCW battle royal was one by an NES star named Dino Riki.

Eric: Three? Damn, we’re old.

Eric: Put us out to pasture.

Eric: IT’S OVER.

Paul: And, ever since, we’ve held battle royals in his honor, ever year, as a memorial to this great legend and a tribute to GameCola’s biggest issue of the year.

Eric: A truly informative lesson.

Paul: Let’s get this rumble started!

Eric: Battle royal, Mr. Franzen, battle royal. We don’t need any legal problems.

Paul: The number one entrant, Dewey, from that classic Wii title Dewey’s Adventure, is already in the ring.

Eric: BY GAWD! LOOK AT THAT! Out of nowhere BONK, from Bonk’s adventure, swings down from the catwalk and knocks Dewey clear out of the arena.

bonkPaul: WHAT!!

Paul: But Dewey didn’t even get to show off his amazing powers!

Paul: You know what he can do, Eric?

Paul: See, he’s a drop of water….

Paul: And, at will, he can turn into ice.

Paul: Or AIR!

Eric: Well, as useful as that sounds…he’s outta here, and our third grappler is making his way to the ring….

Paul: …and it’s Carth, that gun-wielding rouge from Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic!

Eric: That loser? I left him at the apartment 90% of the game.

Paul: Yeah, actually, I definitely played a lot more with the android and the Wookie.

Eric: What a waste of character space. Han Solo you are not, sir!

Eric: Bonk rushes head-first at Carth, who sidesteps the small loincloth-clad lad with ease.

Paul: Carth steadies his blaster and takes aim, but Bonk dives forward and headbuts the Jedi-wannabe in the knee!

Eric: Blasters are not legal objects!

Paul: There is NO DQ in a battle royal, Eric! Anything goes!

Paul: The only way to be eliminated from this matchup is to be tossed over the top rope, at which point the next competitor is allowed to enter the bout.

Paul: There’s gonna be ten entrants in total, and the character man standing wins.

Eric: Carth, now nursing his knees, attempts to get back on his feet, but stumbles and falls…only to meet another vicious headbut by the bonkman.

Paul: Carth is down, and Bonk scales the top turnbuckle to attempt some sort of aerial maneuver.

Eric: It’s…a flying…HEADBUT! Man, this kid is full of innovation.

Paul: Carth is now bleeding from the mouth, he looks dazed, and, quite frankly, he doesn’t look like he’s in any sort of condition to compete.

Paul: Bonk’s helping Carth up to his feet…is this a showing of good sportsmanship from the caveman? He was the good guy in his game, after all.

Eric: What is this treachery!? Carth has just kicked Bonk right in the nuts! And now he’s picked up the wee hero and tossed him out into the crowd!

Eric: Poor decision-making skills really cursed the jungle kid on that one, eh Paul?

Paul: DAMMIT!!

Paul: You can make Carth EVIL???

Paul: I couldn’t get him to be evil in MY GAME.


Eric: Years and years of being told “you suck” really take a toll on a man.

Paul: Ah, and I think our next competitor knows all about sucking, Eric!

Eric: Well, by that description he must come from some sort of Wii-based game, am I right?

Paul: Well, he’s not in one yet, Eric! But he will be. Oh, he will be.

Paul: It’s Kirby, ladies and gentlemen!

Paul: Kirby!!

Eric: The pain you bring me each month is unbearable, you know.

Paul: I don’t think you get it.

Paul: He “sucks” in enemies to use their powers!

Eric: Carth, still badly beaten, is barely standing up straight. Kirby goes on the attack, sucking Carth right up!

Eric: I wonder what powers he gets for this one.

Paul: We should find out soon, Eric, but in the meantime, Kirby has EXPELLED Carth over the top rope, and the KOTOR hero is out of this match!

Paul: In the meantime, I think I see our next competitor making his way to the ring!

Eric: It appears to be…a piñata? What’s a pinata doing here.

Paul: That’s not any piñata, Eric—that’s Fergy Fudgehog, from the classic 360 title Viva Piñata!

Eric: Yes. Fudgehog: a fitting DCW name

Paul: Fergy crawls under the bottom rope to meet Kirby, who’s readying his new superpower.

Paul: But before he gets a chance to unleash it, he gets rammed by the piñata, and he goes DOWN.


Eric: Oh, the humanity.

Eric: Kirby is attempting to get up, but he is once again plastered from his blindside by the relentless piñata.

Paul: The piñata has Kirby at his mercy, and….yes, he appears to be shoving chocolate bars down the helpless pile of goo’s throat!

Paul: Kirby is coughing up blood and chocolate, and he appears to be totally immobilized.

Paul: And before he gets the chance to recover, he gets tossed out of the ring by this vicious piñata.

Paul: This piñata is out to win, Eric.

Paul: At any cost.

Eric: Even if that cost is its precious, precious candies.

Eric: Look! It’s sprung a leak.

Paul: Skittles and lifesavers are leaking out of Fergy Fudgehog’s eye sockets as his next opponent—THE GREAT MIGHTY POO!—plops into the ring.

Eric: Uh.

Eric: Wait, what?

Eric: Who??

Paul: Didn’t you ever play Conker’s Bad Fur Day?!

Paul: I swear, there was this character that was, LITERALLY, a pile of shit.

Eric: I sure hope today isn’t the day the health inspectors show up.

Paul: And he is currently stinking up that very ring.

Eric: I am not cleaning the mats after this one.

Eric: The piñata seems awfully unsure about what to do about this new combatant, as he is cautiously walking backwards around…it.

Paul: And Fudgy dives over the top rope, eliminating himself and leaving several candies in his wake.

Eric: Well, that kind of negates your win at any cost statement, doesn’t it, Franzen.

Paul: What?

Eric: But look at THIS! It’s the one man Mighty Poo thought he would never have to see in this match!

EricJanitor Ned! A secret character from the FAMED N64 classic Mace: The Dark Age.

Eric: Ned comes out with sweeper a blazing, pushing that hunk of crap right to the brink of elimination.

Paul: But the Poo reaches his hands back and starts throttling the janitor!

Eric: A few swift jabs from his trust sweeping tool have Ned free, but he is winded from the tight grasp…and smell…of this dastardly foe.

Paul: Yeah, actually, someone should do something about this poo, or I’ll have to start reconsidering my seat here at ringside.

Paul: And nobody wants that—NOBODY wants me to give up my commentating post!


Paul: Ned’s got the poo backed up against the ring ropes…he’s pushing at the poo’s, uh, I think it’s a chin with the end of his broom…he’s pushing hard….


Eric: Enough of that! Just stop it!

Paul: What! There wasn’t even a pun in there?

Paul: …was there??

Eric: Ned is really working over MP with his broom; the poo is mightily confused! He has no idea where he is. He’s trying to retreat to the top rope.

Eric: Nothing good can come from this.

Paul: Holy crap, am I that good at puns??

Eric: Die.

Eric: Faster.

Paul: Ned goes up to the top rope to grapple WITH the poo!

Eric: Oh no! Ned tripped, and BOTH men are out of this competition.

Paul: And without giving us announcers time to catch a breather, our next TWO competitors are entering the ring!

Paul: And BY GAWD, we’re about to have one hell of a slobberknocker.


Eric: Things just got a little more epic here in the James Pond Memorial Coliseum.


Eric: Both men stand at opposite sides of the ring, repeatedly shooting fire balls at one another.

notfirewarPaul: Did anyone do a hadoooooken yet?

Paul: I wanna see a hadoooooken.

Eric: Yes, that’s the cry you will be hearing in your head for weeks now.


Eric: Ken and Ryu have been canceling each other out with fireballs for a good 20 minutes now.

Eric: Will this ever end.

Paul: Well uhh…hmm….

Eric: And there is no show of fatigue in either of these two highly trained athletes… unfortunately.

Paul: I am so bored.

Eric: Uh oh! It looks like Ken didn’t hit his button combo right, as he is blasted in the face with one of the red fireballs!

Paul: And he goes flying over the top rope!

Eric: BY GAWD.

Paul: FINALLY, entrant number TEN—the final entrant!!—can enter the ring.

Eric: WHO is the truly lucky combatant this year?!

Eric: Who has the shot at DCW immortality?

Eric: It’s….

EricZipperhead?! From BIO F.R.E.A.K.S?!


Eric: Anyone.

Paul: Yeah, I think that’s how it goes.

Eric: Ryu and Zipperhead circle each other, not wanting to let their respective legendary fighting game series down.

Paul: Legendary?

Eric: Are you daring to doubt the validity of Street Fighter’s status as legendary!?

Paul: Hah!

Paul: Of course!

Paul: You mean to tell me that Bad Mr. Frosty WOULDN’T be able to kick the crap outta both these jabronis, at the same time?!

Eric: Zipper beats snowball—everyone knows that.

Paul: You must’ve played some really screwed up version of Rock Paper Scissors.

Eric: Haven’t you ever played Zipper Snowball Leaves?


notrpsEric: EPIC, I SAYS.

Paul: OK, let’s go.

Paul: Right now.

Paul: LET’S DO IT.

Paul: Zipper Snowball Leaves…SHOOT!

Paul: HAH! I have zipper.

Paul: Eat it.

Eric: I had leaves.

Eric: Damn.

Eric: No, wait.

Paul: Sucks to be Captain Eric.

Eric: I win.

Paul: WHAT??

Eric: Leaves beats Zipper.

Eric: Duh.

Paul: You got an official rule book to back you up?

Eric: I AM the official rule book.. BIAATCH.

Eric: Well, it looks like Ryu’s fireballs have no affect on this mutated metal mass.

Eric: Zipperhead is going in for the kill.

Paul: And he clotheslines Ryu over the top rope!

Paul: Zipperhead wins!

Eric: Wow, that sure was anticlimactic.

Paul: Well, the really climactic stuff happened when I was kicking your ass in Zipper Snowball Leaves.

Eric: ‘Cept yours was the ass that was manhandled.

Eric: Err, wait. That doesn’t sound right.

Paul: No, Eric.

Paul: It sounds allllll riiiiiight to me.

Eric: Wow, look at the time!

Eric: I have to be going.

Eric: BYE.

Eric: *runs out of the arena*

Paul: Wait, Eric!

Paul: Come back!

Paul: Eric…!

Paul: Eric…come back….

Paul: Oh…oh, Eric.

Paul: Some day…some day….

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