Dear Readers: Clichéd Review Intros

I don’t know how many of you frequent GameFAQs, but I do, because it’s the best dad-gum hunting grounds for new writers you’ll ever see. Anyone can post their reviews on that site, and, as a result, you can come across a lot of untapped talent just waiting for that e-mail that invites them to the big leagues. If you send out enough e-mails, you’ll even find a few willing to write for GameCola, too.

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(Editor’s note: This article was originally published in the February 2008 issue of GameCola, back when GameCola was published in a monthly online magazine format.)

GameCola Headquarters
Trenton, NJ 08619

February 2008

Dear Readers,

I don’t know how many of you frequent GameFAQs, but I do, because it’s the best dad-gum hunting grounds for new writers you’ll ever see. Anyone can post their reviews on that site, and, as a result, you can come across a lot of untapped talent just waiting for an invite to the big leagues. If you send out enough e-mails, you’ll even find a few willing to write for GameCola, too.

If you spend enough time reading GameFAQs reviews, however, you’ll see that about 95% use one of the following three introductions:


INFORMATIVE AND VERY, VERY, VERY BORING:

Luigi’s Mansion is a game for the Nintendo GameCube that was released by Nintendo in 2003. It is an action-adventure style game that stars Luigi, and it’s rated E for Everyone. It is a one-player game, and it costs $40. The following is my review of this game. I hope you enjoy my review. If you have any questions or comments, e-mail me, maddenpwner316, at maddenpwner316@aol.com


NOBODY GIVES  A CRAP:

I remember the first time I played Luigi’s Mansion. I didn’t think it was going to be any good, but I gave it a shot, anyway. It stars Luigi, after all, and he’s definitely one of my favorite videogame characters. I loved him in Super Mario Bros. 2. I used to play that game all the time with my older brother, and we had lots of great times together doing so. I didn’t really like him so much in Mario is Missing, though. I was glad to see that he was in this game, but it didn’t look like a standard Mario game, so I didn’t think it would be any good. But I bought it anyway, and I’m glad I did, because it turned out to be a really great game. I saw it at the store, and I bought it. With my own money. Then I took it home and played it.


HYPERBOLIC BULLHOCKEY:

Ah yes, Luigi’s Mansion. One of the best—if not the best—games released for the GameCube, if not one of the best games ever. This game revolutionized gaming as we know it, and, yet, it is one of the most underrated games ever made. It’s probably my favorite game ever, and I, without question, give it a 10 out of 10. Maybe an 11 out of 10. This world-changing title is just that good. I think you should stop reading this review right now and just buy the game; you’ll probably never want to play anything else ever again. If you do…I just don’t know what to say. Luigi’s Mansion brought me to tears, it’s so good.


You tend to see a lot of that on GameFAQs. What you do not see there—and will probably never see—is an intro like this, which I lifted from Matt’s review of Jewel Knights Crusaders in this very issue:

If you’re one of the many special people who have been wondering for years whether it’s possible to rape a woman and still be her friend, your long wait is finally over.

See? Gripping, no? Makes you wanna read the whole review, doesn’t it? I bet you’re not even reading this right now; you’ve probably clicked your little self over to Matt’s review before you even got to this sentence. Since you’re no longer reading, I’m just gonna end this train of thought here, rather that figure out and then explain why I decided to write about this.

….

Oh! Hey! You’re back from Matt’s review! Welcome back, Ace. We’ve got a great issue lined up for you this month, ladies and gentlemen! Just check out this bulleted list of greatness you’ll be seeing tonight!

  • NewbieMania, this month only in Versus Mode! Six of our new writers have taken up keyboard and are prepared to write for you, the loyal fans, and show off why I plucked them from the depths of nowhere and brought them to heights of superstardom previously thought impossible. See what they have to say on the topics of the day!
  • smarterchildThe return of SmarterChild to the pages of GameCola! You know, SmarterChild? The AOL Instant Messenger bot? He co-wrote Digital Championship Wrestling with me this month, and I think you’re gonna like the results.
  • A brand new writer! No, really—another one! Let’s give a warm GameCola welcome to Rick Cressen, who’s gonna be writing reviews for us for the foreseeable future, and who checked in with us this month with a review of Home Alone for the NES.
  • Language lessons! Learn how to spell this month in Inside the Guide with three NES games made for people who are definitely way too young to be reading GameCola.

And that’s not all! But you’ll just have to read the issue to find out what more awesomeness we have in store for you, won’t you. Go on. I won’t stop you. Why would I stop you? This issue is great. Go read it!

Love,

Paul Franzen
editor in chief
e-mail: pfranzen@gamecola.net

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