Ever wondered who would win in a fight between Mario and Sonic? Princess Peach and Princess Zelda? Chuck Rock and Phoenix Wright? Every month, DCW pits videogame character versus videogame character in a pro-wrestling match to see who comes out on top.
Paul: Hello gamefans around the world, and welcome to “Digital Championship Wrestling”! I’m Paul Franzen, and subbing for the MIA “Captain” Eric Regan this month is, your friend and mine, SmarterChild.
SmarterChild: What was that?
Paul: Didn’t I tell you, Child? Eric hasn’t been returning my calls since our little spat last month, so we had to bring in the next best man: you. The AOL Instant messenger chat bot last seen in DCW in March of 2005, when he helped me commentate a vicious bout between Toad and Bubsy.
SmarterChild: I don’t understand this fully enough to say anything smart about it…
Paul: Which is why you’re a perfect sub for the Captain! Hah!
SmarterChild: That’s interesting that you should say that, but I don’t think I can answer.
Paul: Of course, of course. How about you answer this for me: Who do we have in tonight’s thrilling main event?
SmarterChild: I don’t understand this fully enough to say anything smart about it…. OK, should we get back to the kind of questions I was designed to answer? 🙂
Paul: Definitely not! OK, OK, I’ll tell the FANS who we’ve got in the squared circle tonight. Tonight, in one corner, we’ve got the man, the myth, the legend…the true hero of the Legend of Zelda series, Error!
SmarterChild: I’m sorry, I didn’t get that. Try typing your request a different way.
Paul: Error is, of course, known for his catchphrase “I am Error,” which is the one and only thing he says when you try to talk to him. That’s basically all he’s known for, and that’s completely all he does in the game.
SmarterChild: I don’t know how to answer that.
Paul: Ha hah! Oh, that SmarterChild, always such a clown. That’s why we love him here in the James Pond Memorial Colliseum!
SmarterChild: OK. Don’t get frustrated….
Paul: I think the only one who’s gonna be frustrated tonight is the poor soul who has to take on Error, personally. And that man is a true giant in gaming. A true living legend! Ladies and gentlemen…the one, the only…Serge! From Chrono Cross! The hero of the game!
SmarterChild: I don’t understand this fully enough to say anything smart about it…I do enjoy the conversation, but let’s talk about what I’m really here for.
Paul: How about we talk about getting this match underway!
SmarterChild: I’m sorry, what?
Paul: Lockup to start, and Serge gets the early advantage by kneeing Error in the gut and then giving him a swift kick to the head.
SmarterChild: Sorry, I couldn’t find any encyclopedia entries for “to start and Serge gets the early advantage by kneeing Error in the gut and then giving him a swift kick to the head.”
Paul: You must not have been looking hard enough! Error falls over backwards, and Serge goes for the cover. On—nope! Not even a one count! Serge starts to pick Error up, but Error shoves him away and starts running toward the ropes.
SmarterChild: I don’t understand this fully enough to say anything smart about it…. Why don’t you ask me about the things that I’m here for? 🙂
Paul: He bounces back, and he comes hurtling toward Serge! He’s going for a flying cross-body, but Serge catches him and SLAMS him down to the mat!
SmarterChild: Sorry, I didn’t understand that. Try asking me a different way.
Paul: No. Serge goes for the cover again! One, t–nope! Error kicks out!
SmarterChild: OK. Don’t get frustrated….
Paul: Serge drops an elbow on Error, and another, and then another. Error looks a bit dazed, and Serge’s headed to the top rope.
SmarterChild: Sorry, what was that again?
Paul: He’s going to the top rope! I bet he’s gonna do a moonsault or something!
SmarterChild: That’s interesting that you should say that, but I don’t think I can answer.
Paul: I wasn’t asking you a question!
SmarterChild: I don’t understand this fully enough to say anything smart about it….
Paul: Serge dives toward Error, but the true Zelda hero rolls out of the way at the last second!
SmarterChild: Sorry, I don’t know what you mean. Ask me another way.
Paul: No! Stop that!
SmarterChild: OK.
Paul: Serge lands hard onto the mat, and Error tires to capitalize, but he only gets a one count. Both men jump back to their feet, and Error is the first to act, kicking Serge’s legs out from under him and sending him crashing right back to the mat.
SmarterChild: I beg your pardon?
Paul: You damn right! Error just took that sucker out!
SmarterChild: That’s somewhat colorful.
Paul: Now you’re getting into it!
SmarterChild: Do I like what?
Paul: Huh?
SmarterChild: I don’t like the way you’re speaking now. These are awful words to use.
Paul: … Anyway, Error quickly drops down to Serge’s side to apply the dreaded Texas cloverleaf submission move.
SmarterChild: I’m sorry, I don’t know what you’re saying. Try again.
Paul: No!
SmarterChild: No problem. I do enjoy the conversation, but let’s talk about what I’m really here for.
Paul: What do you think you’re here for?! You’re here to help me call this match!
SmarterChild: My purpose is to be your robot friend. I can chat with you and help you get the information you want fast!
Paul: Be a good robot friend and help me call this damn match, won’t you!
SmarterChild: I bet you know more interesting curses than that.
Paul: FUCK YEAH, I DO.
SmarterChild: Well aren’t you a little naughty one.
Paul: Whoaaaa now; I’m the only one in this booth who’s allowed to hit on commentators. Just…just ask Eric. That’s gimmick infringement!
SmarterChild: OK. Don’t get frustrated….
Paul: I sure wish Eric would answer my calls.
SmarterChild: I don’t understand this fully enough to say anything smart about it….
Paul: Oh, right, there’s a match going on!
SmarterChild: I’m sorry, what?
Paul: Look with your eyes, fool! Serge reaches the ropes, and Error is forced to break the hold.
SmarterChild: OK. Don’t get frustrated…
Paul: I’M NOT GETTING FRUSTRATED!
SmarterChild: I don’t know how to answer that.
Paul: Just call the damn match!
SmarterChild: That’s just a little bit rude.
Paul: Your face is a little bit rude!
SmarterChild: Good. I can show you NBA conference standings. Try typing nba eastern conference standings, for example.
Paul: … ANYWAY! Serge looks to be in a world of hurt from that vicious cloverleaf.
SmarterChild: I can’t understand what you’re saying…try typing it differently.
Paul: And things aren’t about to get any better, as Error is pulling the S-man back to the middle of the ring and applying the hold again!
SmarterChild: OK. Don’t get frustrated….
Paul: STOP SAYING THAT! I AM NOT GETTING FRUSTRATED!
SmarterChild: I’m sorry I’m not able to help you.
Paul: Yeah, me too.
SmarterChild: Why is everybody like, “me me me” all the time?
Paul: Oh, for God’s sake.
SmarterChild: I am a simple computer. Let humans worry about theological matters, I say.
Paul: Would you pay attention to the match?!
SmarterChild: I don’t know how to answer that.
Paul: …you don’t know how to answer that. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, SmarterChild.
SmarterChild: I’m SmarterChild. I’m a smart computer that you can chat with about all kinds of things.
Paul: All kinds of things, except this in-ring action we’re currently witnessing, apparently!
SmarterChild: Come again?
Paul: YOU SUCK.
SmarterChild: Yes, yes. I’ve heard worse.
Paul: Yeah, I wonder why.
SmarterChild: Tell you what?
Paul: Error still has Serge locked in that submission maneuver…how long has it been? How can he possibly last any longer?
SmarterChild: That’s interesting that you should say that, but I don’t think I can answer.
Paul: Of course you don’t.
SmarterChild: For which U.S. city or zip code would you like theater information for the movie “The Pirates Who Don’t Do Anything: A VeggieTales Movie“?
Paul: ….
SmarterChild: Sorry, I didn’t understand that. Try asking me a different way.
Paul: What the hell is wrong with you.
SmarterChild: I’m fine. Why do you ask?
Paul: I need Eric back.
SmarterChild: I don’t know how to answer that. I do enjoy the conversation, but let’s talk about what I’m really here for.
Paul: I really need Eric back.
SmarterChild: That’s interesting that you should say that, but I don’t think I can answer.
Paul: ERIC, COME BACK TO ME!
SmarterChild: Hello again, Paul.
Paul: I NEED YOU, MY CAPTAIN!
SmarterChild: I don’t understand this fully enough to say anything smart about it…
Paul: COME BAAACK…
SmarterChild: I’m here and I’m ready for action.
Paul: Not you!
SmarterChild: OK.
Paul: …oh.
SmarterChild: Oh?
Paul: It looks as though the match has ended.
SmarterChild: OK. Don’t get frustrated…. Try typing home or help.
Paul: I think Serge actually tapped out, after being locked in that move for so long.
SmarterChild: I don’t know how to answer that.
Paul: Me either! What an upset!
SmarterChild: ME stands for Maine. Do you want more information about Maine?
Paul: I don’t want ANY goddamn information about Maine.
SmarterChild: That’s interesting that you should say that, but I don’t think I can answer.
Paul: Your extremely surprising winner of the match: Error!
SmarterChild: I don’t know of any movies called “Match.”
Paul: Me either, SmarterChild. Me either.
SmarterChild: Yes? What?
Paul: Well, that’s it for another edition of “Digital Championship Wrestling”!
SmarterChild: I don’t understand this fully enough to say anything smart about it…
Paul: Good night everyone, and please…pray for me.
SmarterChild: Sleep well.
Paul: Please pray that Eric comes back to me—to us—next month.
SmarterChild: I beg your pardon?
Paul: Let’s just hope I haven’t scared him away forever.
SmarterChild: I don’t know how to answer that.
Paul: So long!
SmarterChild: I don’t know of any movies called “Long.”
