Jewel Knights Crusaders (PC) [NSFW]

If you’re one of the many special people who have been wondering for years whether it’s possible to rape a woman and still be her friend, your long wait is finally over. Ginji whateverthefuckhisnameis, hero of Jewel Knights Crusaders, will show you all the moves you need to know to get started ripping up virgin … Continue reading "Jewel Knights Crusaders (PC) [NSFW]"

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  • System: PC
  • Genre: Role-Playing
  • Max Players: 1
  • US Release: May 2004
  • Developer: ZeroCool
  • Publisher: G-Collections

If you’re one of the many special people who have been wondering for years whether it’s possible to rape a woman and still be her friend, your long wait is finally over. Ginji whateverthefuckhisnameis, hero of Jewel Knights Crusaders, will show you all the moves you need to know to get started ripping up virgin assholes and vaginas, and taking the girl out for a cup of coffee afterwards.

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I swear to God, this game actually centers around some serial rapist prick who forces himself on everyone he sees, and then rationalizes it by saying it’s OK because they actually enjoyed themselves. The rapees, either out of some kind of severe mental trauma or sheer stupidity, then decide their attacker isn’t so bad and go out to coffee. And then he rapes them again. And again. And then he rapes someone else. And then they have orgasms and pee all over themselves. That’s probably more than you needed to know to make your decision about playing this game (you enjoy watching rape, you play it. You don’t enjoy watching rape, you don’t play it. Simple), but since I am a professional, I will go IN DEPTH, deep into the hottest, wettest parts of this game’s core. And regret every minute of it.

I’ll be brushing the content of this game aside for a moment (or forever). Like I said, you either like raping people or you don’t. This game is actually offensive in a number of other ways, believe it or not. For starters, there is no gameplay in this “game.” Even the Hugo trilogy has vastly superior gameplay to this. Picture a text adventure, where instead of making actual decisions about what you do, you just make a decision on which scene you are going to watch. Much like choosing which episode of The Office you are going to watch on any given disc, only you don’t get anything funny once you click play.

After you decide who you want to hang out with, i.e., what scene you want to watch, you click through endless pages of dialogue until you eventually get to the rape scene. The background isn’t even animated or anything. Every once in a while it changes, but it’s extremely bland. There are a couple of generic backgrounds (the mall, the park, the school, etc), and then a picture of your penis inside whoever you are raping on that particular night, followed by the same picture with exploded semen all over said girl. There is no variety in the “hero’s” raping, either. It’s just the same fucking thing (get it?!) over and over again. He fingers the girl for a bit, showing her her “honey” and making her tell him how much she wants him, and then he flicks her clit or twists her nipples or whatever, and then sticks his dick inside whatever orifice he feels so inclined to violate on that particular night. Of course, this is all done through text using unappealing emotes, such as the much overused “SQUELCH!” Offensive, and boring. Double offensive.

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There is “full” voicing for this game, which adds absolutely nothing. By “full” voicing, I mean the rape victims talk in traditionally annoying high pitched Japanese screams and moans. The main character doesn’t talk, because we definitely wouldn’t want to shatter the role-playing aspect of this game by giving the “hero” a voice other than that of the person playing it. You can’t very well put a breathy, hoping-my-mom-doesn’t-walk-in-and-see-me voice in a game, either, so silence it is.

What else? Hmm. Oh! The save feature is pretty broken. About half the time when you save, the game will ignore it and you’ll be forced to start back from an earlier save the next time you play (this shouldn’t be a problem, because you’ll never want to play this game a second time), or even start back from the beginning. Fortunately (for more reasons than just the broken save feature) there is a fast forward button that lets you speed passed as much dialogue as you want.

What the game boils down to is a bunch of decidedly non-erotic images of anime schoolgirls being raped, with semen and urine all over them. If this is what you’re after, this game’s developers smartly created a photo gallery where you can easily view any of the images you’ve already seen while “playing” the “game.” If I had to name one redeeming feature (even though nothing really redeems this game), that would be it.

To put it succinctly, the game comes off as something a newbie programmer slapped together in 45 minutes after getting rejected yet again by every single girl he’s ever tried to dry hump at a school dance/club/office party/etc. It isn’t fun in the least, and the content is so repetitive and boring that I can’t even see an enthusiastic rapist getting through the whole thing without a yawn or two. The propaganda will have you believe that this is a game about a young man who discovers three intergalactic knight crusader heroines who play erotic games with him to convince him to join their cause and fight the evil space dominatrices, but do not be fooled. Even if you are the number one rape fan in the universe, there have to be better alternatives.

  • GameCola Rates This Game: 1 - Terrible
  • Score Breakdown

  • Fun Score: 0.5
  • Novelty Score: 0.5
  • Audio Score: 1
  • Visuals Score: 1
  • Controls Score: 3
  • Replay Value: 0.5
4 votes, average: 9.00 out of 104 votes, average: 9.00 out of 104 votes, average: 9.00 out of 104 votes, average: 9.00 out of 104 votes, average: 9.00 out of 104 votes, average: 9.00 out of 104 votes, average: 9.00 out of 104 votes, average: 9.00 out of 104 votes, average: 9.00 out of 104 votes, average: 9.00 out of 10 (You need to be a registered member to rate this post.)
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About the Contributor


From 2002 to 2013

4 Comments

  1. HILARIOUS ARTICLE.
    i cannot praise it enough.
    i very honestly and literally I could not help but laugh every half-sentence or so. And every-time the word ‘rape’ came up. I was only about two paragraphs of the way in when I decided that ‘rape’ would be my drinking-game word (incidentally I’d already had like five beer before beginning this article, and ive never played or heard of this game and i doubt i ever will ever again so… your milage may vary on how funny this article actually is).
    we;; ive forgotten most everything ive read here already. Still, those minutes i was reading this article really helped get me through this self-imposed all-nighter of bingedrinking and videogame review reading.

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