Ever wondered who would win in a fight between Mario and Sonic? Princess Peach and Princess Zelda? Mega Man and Phoenix Wright? Every month, DCW pits videogame character against videogame character in the only truly legitimate means of athletic competition—professional wrestling—to see who truly a winner is.
Paul: HellowrestlingfansandwelcomeonceagaintoDCW,andOH MY GAWD, “Captain”ERICREGANISBACKBEHINDTHEBOOTHWITH ME.
Paul: WHERE WERE YOU LAST MONTH ERIC AND WHY WEREN’T YOU ANSWERING MY CALLS.
Paul: THEFANSNEEDTOKNOW.
Eric: I had a prior engagement. Sorry about that.
Paul: Prior engagement?!
Eric: Honest. It was really important.
Paul: You left me sitting at the desk with Smarter Child for…for WHAT!
Paul: What was so goddamn important, Eric?!
Eric: Um…well, I don’t exactly remember…
Paul: I…I need you here.
Eric: …but, I’m sure it was life altering.
Paul: With me.
Eric: I think I was, um, sleeping.
Paul: …
Eric: Aren’t you glad to have me back!
Paul: YOUHAVENOIDEA.
Paul: So how about tonight’s matchup, EH, Eric?
Eric: We sure have a DOOZY lined up tonight, don’t we Paul?
Eric: And it is all happening in the most destructive object known to mankind.
Paul: Are you ready for this one, gamefans?
Paul: DCW’s first ever…
Paul: HELL IN A CELL MATCH.
Paul: First time EVER.
Eric: INSANITY ABOUNDS
Paul: For those caught unawares, the Hell in a Cell is a cage…a really BIG cage…that SURROUNDS the ring, with lots of space between the cage and the ring.
Paul: And it has a roof.
Paul: Two competitors are locked inside the steel structure, and they fight till they can’t fight no more.
Eric: I sure hope this doesn’t end in someone being footless.
Paul: Must we keep bringing up that match?
Paul: No, no we mustn’t.
Paul: Not when our two competitors are already ready to go at it!
Paul: In one corner, we’ve got that loveable sword-wielding scamp from Rogue Galaxy…Jaster Rogue!
Paul: And in the other…Manny Calavera, a travel agent who’s the hero of point-and-click adventure Grim Fandango.
Eric: I can feel the electricity in the air tonight, Franzen! This is gonna be special.
Paul: Did I mention that Manny’s a skeleton? ‘Cause he is.
Eric: A friggin’ skeleton!?
Eric: Poor Jaster really has his work cut out for himself tonight.
Paul: How do you figure? Dude’s got a sword, and there ain’t exactly any DQs in a Hell in a Cell match.
Eric: Only blunt weapons work versus skeletons, though.
Eric: You played D&D.
Paul: I did! And, that came up in Two Worlds, too.
Paul: For the longest time these weak-ass skeletons were my most difficult enemy, ’cause I was dual wielding swords and didn’t have magic.
Paul: And I didn’t know WTF the problem was.
Eric: Smoooooth.
Paul: I had to Google “Two Worlds” and “WHY CAN’T I KILL ANY GODDAMN SKELETONS”.
Paul: Or something like that.
Paul: Friggin’ bastards! Why don’t swords work on them!
Eric: ‘Cause they aren’t alive. And swords don’t break bones.
Paul: I don’t know, man.
Paul: If I’m swinging a giant hunk of metal at a skeleton with a lot of power, you’d think something would happen.
Eric: Well, a normal skeleton, sure.
Eric: But this one moves around and shit, man.
Paul: ANYWAY! Look’s like Jaster’s ready to get this action started, as he’s charging straight toward Manny with his sword drawn!
Eric: I guess Jaster is about as worldly traveled as you, eh Paul?
Paul: He hits Manny straight on in the chest, the sword plunging through Manny’s three-piece suit and coming out on the other side!
Paul: And Manny just laughs. And laughs, and laughs, and laughs.
Eric: Shaking off the look of dumbfoundment, Jaster thrusts his sword again and again, to no effect on the mighty skeleton.
Paul: Manny’s gonna have to pick up a new suit before he goes on any more sales calls…but, yeah, other than that, Jaster’s not having a lot of luck.
Paul: Jaster finally pulls his sword out of the skeleton and tosses it aside. I sure hope he had a Plan B for this contest.
Eric: It looks like he is going to try the old-fashioned approach!
Paul: Which appears to be getting his ass beat by the undead! Manny grabbed the kid by the throat and throttled him before tossing him to the ground like a government mule.
Eric: Who goes around tossing mules; that’s just some kind of evil.
Eric: Jaster, undeterred by the beating he is taking, is back up to his knees, still with that competitive fire in his eyes! He charges toward Manny.
Paul: And Manny backdrops him over the top rope and down to the hard, uncovered concrete floor of the James Pond Memorial Coliseum.
Eric: OUCH! Maybe we should have that taken care of.
Eric: Really, how much does padding cost?
Paul: Jaster’s dazed and confused, but he’s back up to his feet and trying to get back into the ring…
Paul: …but just as he approaches the ring apron, Manny hits him in the face with a baseball slide, sending him flying backwards to the cold steel of the cell!
Eric: Unable to stand, Jaster is grabbing a hold of the cage, trying to pull himself up.
Paul: As Manny bounces off the ropes on the other side of the ring…
Paul: …comes charging forward…
Paul: …hops ON TO THE TOP ROPE…
Paul: …AND LEAPS INTO THE AIR, HITTING JASTER WITH A SHOOTING STAR PRESS!
Eric: Yowie zowie! Never in all my years have I seen such a thing!
Paul: Jaster crumples to the floor—he’s a complete mess, but Manny’s not done with him yet!
Paul: What do you think the kid’s done to draw Manny’s ire so, Captain?
Eric: I haven’t the faintest of clues! Maybe he cost Manny a few clients.
Paul: That’d do it! Manny’s stuck in the underworld until he can bring enough dough to his employer to pay off some mysterious debt.
Paul: At least, I haven’t gotten too far in the game yet, so that’s the only part of the story I know.
Paul: Wait…what’s this! Manny’s climbing up the interior of the cage with Jaster on his shoulders…what he’s trying to accomplish is anyone’s guess.
Eric: That sure looks awkward!
Eric: I hope no one falls.
Eric: They might get a nasty bump!
Paul: Up, up they go to the top of the cell…and they’re just under the roof now! Not sure what Manny’s gonna do from here…he can’t get on top from this angle.
Paul: There’s only one way to go.
Eric: Down?
Eric: It’s down, right? Am I right?
Paul: BY GAWD, YOU BE RIGHT, ERIC. YOU BE RIGHT.
Eric: Me so smart.
Paul: But…Manny doesn’t seem to agree! He’s using his superskeleteon strength to lift Jaster up and repeatedly slam his body up against the ceiling of the cell!
Eric: Oh GOD! It’s raining blood inside the hellish contraption now!
Eric: This is just brutal to watch!
Eric: Has this skeleton no soul?! No sense of decency?!
Paul: Can I make a “well, he IS a salesman!” comment here, or would that be too cliché?
Eric: Well, you are one walking cliché, Franzen. I would expect nothing less.
Paul: Well, he is a salesman!
Eric: …
Paul: Jaster’s gone completely limp at this point, and I gotta think we’re mere moments away from Referee Marty Jannetty just calling the match.
Paul: It’s over, Marty! Somebody ring the damn bell!
Eric: Marty seems to be on his smoke break.
Eric: A shame, really. Poor Jaster—his life had not even truly begun.
Paul: And now, it may truly…be…ov—wait a second! Is that a flicker of life I see behind Jaster’s eyes?!
Eric: No. No it isn’t.
Paul: Yeah, I guess you’re right.
Eric: But wait! Jaster musters the strength for one of the weakest elbows to the face I’ve ever seen.
Eric: Yet SOMEHOW, it seems to have made Manny lose his grip on the cell!
Eric: Both men are tumbling down to the canvas!
Paul: And they hit the mat with a thundering thud!!
Paul: Jaster seems to have landed on top of Manny…and Marty runs over to make the count!
Eric: WHAT A COMEBACK!
Eric: Can he finish it?
Paul: ONE.
Paul: TWO!
Paul: THRE—NO! MANNY KICKS OUT!
Paul: MANNY KICKS OUT!
Paul: MANNY KICKS OUT!
Eric: He sure doesn’t look too pleased by this turn of events.
Paul: That skeleton’s not dead yet, Eric!
Paul: He pushes Jaster to the side, and he…flops down on top of him!
Paul: ONE!
Paul: TWO!
Paul: THREE!!!
Eric: Wow.
Eric: DCW: THE home for EXCITING finishes!
Paul: You better believe it!
Paul: And, let me point out, that BOTH competitors still have both of their legs.
Paul: …
Paul: What’s this?? Is that a…chainsaw I hear?!
Paul: It is! I’d recognize that hat anywhere! It’s CARMEN SANDIEGO!
Eric: …
Eric: No!
Eric: NO!
Eric: Cut the music! CUT the music! Turn the lights out! This show is OVER, folks.
The show fades to black as a chainsaw-wielding Carmen Sandiego enters the ring.
