Digital Championship Wrestling: Donkey Kong vs. Carmen Sandiego in a Steel Cage Match

The first ever DCW CAGE MATCH!

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Paul: Hello everyone, and welcome once again to Digital Championship Wrestling! I’m Paul Franzen, and with me this evening is Eric “!” Regan.

Eric: And I sure hope everyone is ready for some intense digital ‘rasslin!

Paul: Me too Eric, ’cause we’ve got quite a match for them tonight: the first ever DCW CAGE MATCH!

Eric: A DIGITAL CAGE!?! Or is this some aluminum foil cage you made in your basement, Paul—you better not be fooling our fine audience!

Paul: I wouldn’t dream of it Eric! This cage is 20 feet of cold, hard, unforgiving steel, and I think it’s gonna cause some pain tonight for our combatants.

Eric: You sure got my attention! But what two pixilated  warriors are man enough to blaze this new trail into DCW history?!

Paul: It’s funny you should ask Eric, ’cause I don’t know! Donkey Kong has issued an open challenge to anyone in the digital realm to face him in this malicious metal, but so far, no one has come forward.

Eric: Ooh boy! It just gets better and better for our viewers today; that is one hardcore monkey.

Paul: And there he is now, making his way to the ring! Hopefully someone’s accepted by now, or we’re in for a short night.

Eric: I don’t know Paul, I for one wouldn’t want to be locked in anything along with a big ape.

Paul: Donkey Kong’s got a mic! I’m not sure what he’s saying.. it sounds kind of like “a;lkbcxn.kajgs;lrtkwajpgoifsjdkbfdf;at;wtjk”, but I’m pretty sure he’s calling out his opponent. Who will answer the challenge??

Eric: I don’t think any of those punks in the back have the guts, Paul!

Paul: Wait, what just happened? Someone just appeared right outside the ring… someone dressed in a purple trench coat and fedora… MY GOD, IT’S CARMEN SANDIEGO!

Paul: Where in the world did she come from???

Eric: Well.. you’re just gonna have to finish that game up to find out, aren’t you?

Eric: Carmen Sandiego vs Donkey Kong? CAN YOU SAY.. DREAM MATCH!

Paul: My god, this is bigger than Sting vs Hogan, HBK vs Angle, and even Goldberg vs. Stone Cold! And it’s only here, in DCW. Let’s get this match under way!

Eric: Yes, as referee Tatanka gets in the ring, I think this one is about to start!

Paul: The cage is lowered, here we go! Irish whip by Donkey Kong to start things off, as Sandiego goes flying face-first into the steel cage. He sure didn’t waste any time getting that involved!

Eric: Well he has been itching for battle for a long while, Paul, no wonder he issued this challenge. I sure hope THE SANDIEGO is ready!

Paul: I don’t think she is! She appears to have crumpled on impact, and is lying motionless on the floor of the ring. Some super crook she is!

Eric: I wouldn’t count her out just yet, she has to have some wily henchman lurking about.

Paul: Ah, yes Eric, but that’s the beauty of the steel cage—there’s no way they’ll be able to get inside and interfere! But surely she knew this when she signed up for the match…

Eric: She is a very busy super crook, maybe she didn’t read the fine print. That is very time consuming you know!

Paul: Yes, but she can travel through time!  Haven’t you ever played any of her games?!

Eric: Yes I did Paul, but I was six years old.

Eric: OH NO! Donkey is taking this opportunity to go in for the kill! He’s going for the dreaded BARREL TOSS!

Paul: OH MY GOD! He picked up Sandiego like she was nothing and tossed her right at the cage! That’s gotta smart! And he’s doing it again! And again! And again! C’mon Tatanka, do something about that!

Eric: Tatanka seems to be fiddling through his rules manual.. he has been away from the sport a while, you know.

Eric: Carmen is a bloody mess! Can anything save her from this vastly disappointing bout?

Paul: Why yes, I think DK knows exactly what! He’s walking over to the cage door now, trying to exit so he can win the match. But the outside official is too scared to open the door!

Eric: The sheer POWER of the monkey, he has RIPPED the door from it hinges. Boy, look at that official run! We really need to look into better hiring policies here, Mr. Franzen.

Paul: Watch is Regan, I can always get Smarter Child back at your post.

Eric: You wouldn’t dare!! DCW suffers greatly without my legendary wit.

Eric: Donkey isn’t leaving the cage! What is holding him back? Victory is in his grasp!

Paul: There he goes, right out the cage! One foot on the floor, and there… goes… no, hang on, he’s not going to the floor. He’s.. scaling the cage from the outside? What’s the bloody point of that??

Eric: He is stopping nothing short of the utter humiliation of Carmen in this one, Paul. Donkey wants her to remember his name for a long LONG time to come.

Paul: Is that really it though, Eric? I’m not so sure… Well regardless, DK is climbing up to the top of the cage, carrying the door to the cage with him! I wonder what he’s got in store for the crumpled criminal.

Eric: Only the gorilla knows Paul! but I still see no movement from Sandiego; this could be gruesome.

Paul: There he is folks, standing tall, proud, atop the cold hard steel cage. He’s got that door of the cage in his hand, and.. he’s just thrown it down onto what’s left of Carmen Sandiego. You don’t think… no, don’t do it DK! Let her live to see another crime!



Paul: BUT WAIT! What’s going on under the ring??

Paul: Look at all those people filing out from under the ring! My god! Lynn Gweeny, Kari Meback, Minnie Series, Lee and Bill Ding, “Auntie” Bellum… they just keep coming! Carmen’s henchpeople are here to help her!

Eric: And wearing banana costumes, no less! LOOK AT THAT FRUIT CLIMB!

Paul: Justin Case… Ernest Endeavor… Russ T. Hinge… my goodness, how did they all fit under there?? A sea of yellow is flowing up the cage, and that monkey better watch himself!

Eric: Is this even legal? I have to tell you that I’ve never seen a cage match quite like this!

Paul: Donkey Kong lets loose a loud ROOOOOOAAAAAAR and he’s swatting away at the bananas like they’re some kind of lesser and less animate fruit! BAM goes Sharon Sharealike, BAM goes Gene Yuss, CRACK goes Sybil Servant… he’s swinging those ham-like fists all over the place, but I don’t think it’ll be enough to ward off this parade of petty thieves.

Eric: I dont know, they seem to be having no effect on him. BUT WAIT! What’s this? One of those tricky bananas has scurried into the cage.

Eric: It appears to be dragging Carmen Sandiego out!

Paul: Can it be? Can the match really end this way?? Five bananas are on DK now; he can’t keep them away. They’re all teetering over the edge… this doesn’t look good Eric…

Eric: Donkey isn’t giving up so easily Paul, look at him go! Stomping up and down.. he is trying to break a hole in the top of the cage!

Paul: Well that’s gonna be pretty tough to do, as this cage doesn’t even HAVE a top! This isn’t Hell in a Cell, man.


Paul: LIKE I SAID, Donkey Kong and a horde of banana-clad crooks are teetering on the EDGE of the cage, and they could come crashing down to the floor at any moment!

Paul: But Carmen could hit the floor at any moment, too, as yet ANOTHER banana is dragging her limp body to the door…

Paul: I can’t handle the suspense!




Eric: PAUL! I told you to pay that electric bill!

Paul: I thought I had another month yet! My god Eric, what’s going on?? I can’t see a THING!

Eric: Well I see lots of… BLACK, why would I be able to see anything!

Paul: Don’t you have a flashlight or a candelabra or something? Anything?? The match could be over already and no one would know about it!

Eric: AHH MY EYES! The lights are back… and WITH AUTHORITY, no less!

Paul: Are they Eric?? My eyes are still closed, I can’t see a thing…

Paul: ..but if you tell me both competitors are outside of the ring now, I’m gonna scream. It’d be so frickin cliche!

Eric: Well sorry to disappoint you Paul but.. both competitors are INSIDE the ring, and the bananas are GONE??

Paul: Where’d they go??? What happened??

Eric: Ask the ref—he seems to be weeping in the corner.

Paul: MY what was that loud noise I just head??

Eric: Noise? What noise?

Paul: It sounded kind of like a burp to me, though a much louder burp than I ever could produce!

Eric: Oh my god… Donkey… ATE the bananas?! I guess we have to thank your late payments we didn’t have to witness that.

Eric: But now Donkey seems to realize the match is still on, and he’s rushing towards the door… well, the opening that used to house a door.

Paul: But he tripped over Carmen’s body! He tumbled out the door and hit his head on the deadly concrete floor of the DCW arena, and I do believe he’s unconscious!

Paul: And if you recall Eric, both FEET have to touch the floor in order for someone to win, and DK’s feet are both clearly sticking straight up into the caged ring.

Eric: Well can Carmen make her way out before gravity lands the giant ape’s feet back to the ground??

Paul: She’s stirring, but I’m not sure she’s gonna get up! Wait Eric… what’s that… I think I see another banana off in the distance…

Eric: She has one huge payroll, doesn’t she!

Paul: YES, it’s Polly Esther, dressed up as a giant banana, and… er… carrying a chainsaw…


Eric: The good folks at GAMECOLA. Say… isn’t that your operation?

Paul: Shut up Eric, and get these lights back on! What am I paying you for anyway??

Eric: For my legendary wit, we already went through that.

Paul: PHEW okay, there we go, we’re back in business. I’m real sorry about that folks, but don’t worry, SOMEONE’s gonna pay for this.

Eric: I sure hope it’s you.

Paul: And it looks like DK and Sandiego are both where we left them.. but… wow, that’s pretty gruesome, eh?

Eric: I can’t look…

Paul: Didn’t DK… er… have feet when we saw him before?

Eric: I think so. Maybe not though, I wasn’t really paying that much attention…


Paul: Tune in to GameCola next week ladies and germs, when we’ll have the ever-observant SMARTER CHILD in our color-commentator’s chair!

Paul: Say, DK’s come to! He’s rolling outside of the ring.. but of course, he can’t win this one now, can he folks? Not without his FEET hitting the floor!

Eric: WIN?! He needs an ambulance! HOW IS THIS MATCH STILL GOING ON?? Hire some REAL ref’s, damn you Paul!!

Paul: For the love of Luigi, can someone just toss Sandiego onto the floor and get this match over with??

Eric: YES!! She has come too.. and is slowly crawling to the door.



Paul: YES, THERE WE GO! We have a winner, and it’s Carmen Sandiego!


Eric: Now go clean up that mess Paul, and don’t forget to turn out the lights when your through.

Paul: I can’t I, er… left my broom in my other pants.

Eric: Yes… I’m sure you did! GOOD NIGHT!

Paul: So long everybody, and see you next month on Digital Championship Wrestling!

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