Ever wondered who would win in a fight between Mario and Sonic? Princess Peach and Princess Zelda? Chuck Rock and Phoenix Wright? Every month, DCW pits videogame character versus videogame character in a pro-wrestling match to see who comes out on top.
Paul: Y helo thar gamefans, and welcome to yet another capriciously captivating edition of Digital Championship Wrestling! My name’s Paul Franzen, and this here is my co-captain, Eric Regan.
Eric: So Paul, I hear this month we’re bringing back a universally loved fan favorite; is this true!?
Paul: Y helo thar, Eric! Did you like my LUE reference there? Man, I’m hip.
Eric: No, I hated it. I was really hoping I could just ignore it, too
Eric: Thanks for bringing it up again, though; it only heightens my intense desire to stab your eyes out and cut out your tongue.
Paul: You’re such a jokester. Don’t ever change, Eric!
Eric: …
Paul: Gamefans, we’ve got one HECKFIRE of a main event for you tonight!
Eric: I almost stepped into some heckfire once. Not cool.
Paul: Mr. Domino, from the hit game No One Can Stop Mr. Domino!, is back once again, issuing his second “Who Can Stop Me?” challenge!
Paul: If you recall, my loyal Franbase, Mr. Domino last stepped into our ring in December of last year, making the Prince of All Cosmos tap out to a “crippling crossface-like maneuver.”
Eric: Never happened. I do not recall that.
Eric: DCW is all about taste.
Paul: I believe you’re the one who called it!
Paul: I was fine calling it a “submission move.”
Eric: NEVER HAPPENED.
Paul: It’s in the GameCola archives, man! LOOK IT UP.
Paul: So, gamefans, the rules of a “Who Can Stop Me?” challenge are simple: Mr. Domino thinks that nobody could ever stop him, as evidenced by the title of his game. Furthermore, he thinks that he could stop anyone else within 12 minutes and 45 seconds.
Paul: Exact.
Paul: So, if the match reaches the time limit, and we’ve yet to see a victor? Mr. Domino’s opponent takes home the duke
Eric: So who does this tiny hero have lined up for his challenge tonight?
Paul: The one-and-only Chibi-Robo!
Paul: A miniature cleaning robot.
Eric: Hey, he should clean up our arena! It’s getting pretty pungent in here
Paul: I think that’s just the leftover bits of flesh from the ill-fated Diablo vs. a Chocobo match from a little while back.
Eric: SO! About this match.
Eric: I hear it’s underway.
Paul: Ah, yes—the match! Well, it seems that, at the moment, Chibi-Robo is…shall we say….mopping the floor with Mr. Domino! He’s knocked the delectable game piece to the ground and is really laying into him with punch after punch after punch.
Eric: You…need help. Fast.
Eric: And you know who also needs some help?! Mr. Domino!
Eric: He has no answer for Robo’s vicious assault.
Paul: Chibi finally gets off the poor guy and stands up, waving to the crowd—mocking them, for their hero is down on the ground.
Paul: Mr. Domino may be stopped already.
Eric: BY GAWD! Not quite, Paul! Mr. Domino has dodged some blows and now has the Robo in a devastating ankle lock!
Paul: Chibi-Robo is screaming in pain, but he’s still got enough sense to whip his cord around and hit Mr. Domino in the head with it!
Paul: Again!
Paul: Again!
Paul: That seems to have dislodged Domino from his hold, and Chibi-Robo is back on the attack.
Eric: Stomps to the downed Domino!!
Eric: This is just a ruthless side that few have seen from the lil’ bot before.
Paul: He must be fed up after all the cleaning he’s been subjected to! You can only pick up so much of other people’s garbage before you snap.
Eric: He has now picked up the demolished Domino and is lifting him over his head. AIRPLANE SPIN! AIRPLANE SPIN!!
Eric: I’m not sure Mr. Domino will escape alive, let alone last the time limit.
Paul: How much time do we have left, Eric? I think we’re already down to seven minutes.
Paul: Chibi puts Domino back down, and Domino is dazed. Chibi backs up into the corner, hunches down, and charges! SPEAR! SPEAR! SPEARRRR!
Paul: Mr. Domino is flattened, and Chibi-Robo goes for the cover!
Eric: Pretty sure dominos are always flattened.
Paul: Shut up, Eric.
Paul: One!
Paul: Two!
Paul: NO! Kick-out at two.
Paul: Domino picks Chibi-Robo up and slams him back to the mat, and he’s going to the top rope!
Eric: But the slippery Domino slides right out of the ring just as the robotic cleaning machine comes crashing to the mat.
Paul: That’s gotta smart!
Paul: Mr. Domino is peering under the ring as Marty Jannetty starts his 10-count…I wonder what he’s looking for under there….
Eric: I hope its not a heaping helping of Hornswaggle.
Paul: I do believe he’s looking for an object of the foreign variety…and he’s found it! He’s got…he’s got a domino? That makes me feel a little skeevy.
Eric: MR. DOMINO, WITH A DOMINO, IN THE WRESTLING RING.
Eric: I win Clue.
Paul: I mean, it’s like he’s trying to use a corpse as a weapon…ugh, I think I’m gonna be sick….
Eric: Not ALL dominos are living things.
Paul: HOW CAN YOU BE SO SURE!
Paul: How do we know that all dominos that we use in games of dominos are not just….are not just other Mr. Dominos that HAVE been stopped?!
Eric: I’m a smart guy.
Eric: I know things like that .
Paul: I don’t know if I can call this.
Paul: Mr. Domino is crawling back into the ring carrying a….uuuuuughhhhh….
Eric: A domino.
Eric: He is carrying a domino and now is proceeding to use one of his kinfolk to bash the dazed Chibi-Robo over and over.
Eric: Look at the nuts and bolts fly—this is one hell of a comeback!
Paul: What!
Paul: Where’s the ref on this?!
Paul: That’s gotta be a disqualification!
Eric: I hear Marty Jannetty can be stopped…for a price.
Eric: Just what I heard, though.
Paul: You can’t just assault your opponent with a…a…UUUUGHHHHH….
Eric: With what, Paul.
Eric: With a DOMINO?!
Paul: SHUT UP ERIC!!
Paul: I’m feeling a bit woozy….
Eric: Weakling .
Eric: OH MY GOD!! The domino Mr. Domino was beating the helpless robot with has just broke in two from all the punishment it received!
Paul: BLEEEEEEEEEEUUUUUUUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Eric: I did not see that one coming. Dominos are so sturdy!
Eric: ….
Eric: Dude!! What the hell!
Eric: This is my table too.
Eric: You better clean this up!
Paul: Maybe…maybe the robot can…ugh….
Eric: The unconscious robot? Ha! Get a mop, Franzen.
Paul: Domino…is going for th…the cover….
Eric: 1.
Eric: 2.
Eric: ….
Paul: …threeeee….?
Paul: Three.
Paul: I think…that…Mr. Domino…has won this contest.
Eric: The Chibi family will not be cheering this evening.
Paul: And neither will the family of that poor…UGH! BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAUUUGHHH.
Eric: That’s it
Eric: I’m out.
Eric: I cant work under these conditions.
Paul: That’s it for…DCW…this month.
