Ever wondered who would win in a fight between Mario and Sonic? Princess Peach and Princess Zelda? Chuck Rock and Phoenix Wright? Every month, DCW pits videogame character versus videogame character in a pro-wrestling match to see who comes out on top.
Paul: Welcome, gamefans all across this great globe, to another enthralling edition of Digital Championship Wrestling! I’m Paul Franzen here at ringside, and with me, in more way than one, is “Captain” Eric Regan.
Eric: I hear we have one HELL of a match up for THE FAN today! Isn’t that right, Franzen?
Paul: Finally! I knew you’d finally get into the punnery of DCW, Regan—I think “hell” is an extremely appropriate word, considering that one of tonight’s competitors hails from that fiery locale!
Eric: Oh, really now? And who might be that be? Some lowly imp than grants you some meager experience? Or maybe that Cerberus fellow… he seems to find his way into many videogames.
Paul: Well, Eric…let me just ask you one question: Have you ever played a little game called “Diablo”?
Eric: Who HASN’T!
Eric: Did we get one of those half-naked demon chicks? Damn, were they HOT.
Paul: Even better.
Paul: WE GOT DIABLO HIMSELF!
Eric: INSANITY! How did we manage this blockbuster?
Paul: Well, he was pretty eager to get into the ring once I told him who his opponent would be.
Eric: The crowd is waiting, Franzen—SPILL IT! Who will this mythological superstar do battle with on this eve??
Paul: There’s only so many mortals out there that could go toe to toe with Diablo.
Paul: But we managed to find one character who’s so ferocious…so beastly….so MAXXXTREEME, as you might put it…that he might just be able to do the job.
Paul: We got a chocobo.
Eric: Hot damn! What an EPIC match up! This should be one for the ages.
Eric: I must say Franzen, this is one of our more excellent match ups on paper
Eric: Do you think Diablo will be able to utilize his size advantage to pull off the victory? Or will the chocobo use his speed and maneuverability to outsmart the hulking brute?
Paul: Well, personally, I think the chocobo’s gonna get squashed.
Paul: Big time.
Eric: Oh ye of little faith! Just you wait, Franzen. Just you wait.
Eric: And the combatants step into the ring….
Eric: Whoa, wait! LOOK AT THE SIZE OF DIABLO! He’s like 900,000 chocobos?! When did this happen!
Paul: Hah! I knew it!
Paul: You never even got far enough in the game to do battle with Diablo!
Paul: He’s always been that big, Regan!
Paul: And he’s charging right toward the chocobo…I can’t look!
Paul: Hold me.
Eric: What did I tell you last time about that, Paul?
Paul: I think you said “come here, baby.”
Paul: “Let Big Daddy Eric make it all better.”
Paul: That’s what you said.
Eric: That is NOTHING like what I said.
Eric: Stop daydreaming during important work-related activities!
Eric: The chocobo barely manages to get out of the way! But the sheer strength of the mere breeze the movement of the massive beast creates sends the poor chocobo flying into the stands.
Paul: Luckily, the chocobo is caught by several well-meaning fans and crowd-surfed back to ringside.
Paul: He’s terrified to get back into the ring and face the mammoth Diablo, though!
Eric: What wonderful matchmaking is featured here at DCW!
Paul: I fact, I’m pretty sure he’s not going to get back in.
Paul: As he appears to have just dove UNDER the ring.
Paul: Referee Marty Jannetty is ON THE BALL, starting his count.
Eric: I dunno, those are some pretty powerful stomps! He might still be able to give the chocobo a concussion of some sort.
Eric: The count is up to FIVE! That bird better get back in the ring, and PRONTO.
Paul: Six! Seven! Well, it’s been a few months since we’ve had a count out loss, isn’t it?
Eric: No, no it hasn’t.
Eric: DCW: Where countouts are practically mandatory!
Eric: Pretty sure that’s our new tagline. Just hasn’t been finalized yet.
Paul: Wait, Eric! Diablo is galumphing toward the ropes, and he’s leaning his beastly head toward the under-the-ring area.
Paul: It’s hard to tell what he’s doing, exactly….but…
Paul: …is it hot in here, or is it just you?
Eric: STOP THAT! Just STOP THAT.
Paul: BY GAWD, ERIC! Flames are leaping out from under the DCW ring!
Eric: By gawd!
Paul: Marty has stopped his count in shock!
Eric: The chocobo jumps out and tries to make a run for it, but Diablo’s massive arm reaches over and plucks him right out of the air!
Paul: And then slams him down back into the ring!
Eric: The poor lil’ guy lays there motionless.
Paul: Fire is now surrounding the ring, but Diablo just steps calmly back into it.
Eric: Maybe tonight we WON’T have a count out after all!
Paul: He lightly puts a foot onto the fallen chocobo, apparently going for the pin…
Paul: …but where has our referee run off to??
Paul: Jannetty! Where is Jannetty!
Eric: Well, I’m pretty sure the coming of the apocalypse isn’t written into his contract.
Eric: It looks like he turned tail and got the hell out of the arena!
Eric: Who will officiate this match?!
Paul: Please, anyone but Pete Gas!
Eric: PAPA SHANGO, WHERE ARE YOU?!
Paul: Diablo has moved his foot away, and instead he’s picking the poor chocobo up with one of his massive claws.
Paul: He’s holding the poor guy above his head.
Paul: AND HE’S OPENING HIS MOUTH.
Eric: It looks like a tasty treat!
Paul: No it does not!
Paul: That is a sentient being, Eric!
Paul: I think it is, anyway.
Eric: Mmmmm, fried chocobo.
Paul: I didn’t get much into the series after Final Fantasy I.
Eric: What are the rules on eating your opponent?
Paul: I mean, the games are no Secret of Mana, that’s for sure.
Paul: Well, uh.
Paul: I think the rules are that anything’s OK if the ref doesn’t see it.
Paul: And there’s no damn ref!
Eric: WHO WILL SAVE THE DAY…and the chocobo?
Paul: It’s uhh…not looking like anyone, actually.
Eric: BY GAWD!! HE JUST SWALLOWED THE CHOCOBO WHOLE.
Paul: WHAT THE HELL.
Paul: THAT IS DEFINITELY NOT ALLOWED.
Paul: YOU SPIT THAT UP RIGHT NOW, DIABLO.
Paul: SPIT IT UP!!
Eric: The overseer of the underworld seems to care not for your pleas, Mr. Franzen.
Paul: WTF do we do now!!!
Paul: ONE OF OUR COMPETITORS HAS BEEN DEVOURED.
Paul: And there is NO REFEREE.
Eric: It looks like Diablo is bored and is now trotting out of the arena.
Eric: What is this madness!?
Paul: I think our ring is empty.
Paul: ‘Cept for the flames everywhere.
Paul: WE JUST HAD THIS ARENA REPAIRED!
Paul: DAMN YOU, DIABLO!!!
Paul: DAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMNNNNN YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!
Eric: I’m glad I’m not in charge of lawsuits.
Paul: That’s it, Eric.
Paul: That was hardly a match.
Eric: I blame you.
Paul: We need to send our fan home happy.
Paul: You and me. Now
Paul: Let’s ‘rassle.
Eric: I have a prior engagement…yeaah.
Paul: You can’t leave me too!!
Paul: Not after Diablo and Marty!
Eric: Yes I can.
Paul: I WON’T HAVE IT.
Paul: WHERE ARE YOU GOING!!!
Paul: DON’T LEAVE ME!!!!
Paul: DON’T YOU DARE LEAVE ME REGAN!
Paul: NOT AFTER ALL WE’VE BEEN THROUGH!!
Paul: GET BACK HERE RIGHT NOW!!!
Paul: Just GREAT.
Paul: He’s gone.
Paul: Now it’s just me alone in the James Pond Memorial Coliseum.
Paul: Diablo trotted off.
Paul: The referee ran away.
Paul: Eric walked out.
Paul: I’M ALL ALONE!
Paul: This sucks.
Paul: FINE THEN!
Paul: That is IT for DCW this month!
Paul: SCREW YOU ALL
Paul: GO HOME!
Paul: TURN YOUR DAMN INTERNET OFF AND GO HOME.
Paul: I’m just gonna sit here, and…contemplate life.
Paul: Leave me to my sorrows.