The Gates of Life: Episode 55 – Narrators Gone Wild

Render Girl: That's not how this was supposed to go down! You were definitely just supposed to give me my penis back.

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Choose your own adventure in this RPG-esque adventure that lets you—the reader—vote on its outcome.

When we last left our heroes, we discovered the true purpose of their trip to the Castle of Wonders. There was no great evil after all!—it was only a cover story enacted by Narrator and Neo-Narrator to unlock some incredibly godly powers, unleash a new, apparently evil, narrator onto the world, and bring together the Narrators United Doom Squad. This group’s reasons for being were yet unknown, though they seemed to include both taking over every world in existence and teaching people to pay attention to their narrators.

Rivers and Bar-Bar were seemingly the only ones standing in their paths, as Render Girl had apparently struck some kind of deal with the NUDS in order to regain her manhood. And that’s where you, the readers, came in. What was the precise nature of this deal? What actions would our heroes take to take on the NUDS? Who could they call upon for assistance? Did the world stand a chance against against a gang of malicious narrators? And whose side was Render Girl really on? Look for the answers to these questions and more in this month’s episode of The Gates of Life!

Chapter Fifty-Five
Narrators Gone Wild

Render Girl: That’s not how this was supposed to go down! You were definitely just supposed to give me my penis back.

Neo-Narrator: You FOOL! Why would we waste our powers on such a small matter!

Render Girl: You did not just say that.

Rivers: Forget about it Render Girl; we have to stop them!

Rivers: We can’t take on the ultimate powers of the Narrators United Doom Squad by ourselves; but I think I know someone who can.

Rivers: We have to visit the Council of Narrators to speak with PoCoN!

Render Girl: Wait, are you sure that’s the winning gate?

President of the Council of Narrators (PoCoN): No, I’m not.

Render Girl: Did you just pick it so you could be in the story again, or do you have some sort of special plan for our epic adventure?

Rivers: Either way, it’s pretty unscrupulous, just picking a gate like that.

PoCoN: To answer your question Render Girl, I haven’t really been keeping up with the story, and I really have no interest one way or the other about whether or not I’m in it.

Rivers: And to answer my question….

PoCoN: Don’t be pushy. To answer your question.… Wait, you didn’t even ask a question.

Rivers: Well, I made a statement.

PoCoN: …and?

Rivers: And I want it addressed!

PoCoN: Alright. I’m pretty sure I remember hearing that this gate won. It was just about a month ago when I found out, though, and I accidentally deleted the e-mail that told me the winning gate. I figured I’d better show up just in case it was this gate that won.

Rivers: So what makes you so freakin’ special that you can just decide to show up here and assume your gate won?

PoCoN: Well, I am the ruler of all narration. I would’ve had to come eventually.

Rivers: And why is that?

PoCoN: What’s with the snippy attitude and 20 questions?

Rivers: I’m on my period this month.

PoCoN: This month? Shouldn’t you….

Rivers: No! This is a man period. It happens much less often than a female period, but it’s much more forceful.

manperiodPoCoN: So it’s more of an exclamation point.

Rivers: Yes. Huh?

Render Girl: Oh my god!! Does this mean that, since I am part man and part woman, I will be getting an exclamation point with the frequency of a period!?

Rivers: It would certainly seem that way.

Render Girl: !!!

PoCoN: Ouch.

Bar-Bar: Hahahahahahaha! Serves you right, BASTARD!

PoCoN: Looks like she’s not the only one getting an exclamation point.

Bar-Bar: What the…! BASTARD!

Rivers: Well, what did you expect?!

PoCoN: What do you mean?

Rivers: We’ve been adventuring together for years now! Of course we all ended up on the same cycle.

PoCoN: I see.

Neo-Narrator: I hate to break up this little estrogen-fest….

Rivers: Testosterone!

Neo-Narrator: Eh?

Rivers: Testosterone-fest! These are exclamation points!!

Bar-Bar: Not periods, BASTARD!!

Neo-Narrator: Apologies, my son….

Rivers: Are you still doing that?

Neo-Narrator: Actually, I think I’m done with it.

Rivers: Good.

Neo-Narrator: GOOD.

Rivers: Fine, whatever.

Neo-Narrator: Whatever yourself!

Narrator: Looks like you’ve got one now, too.

narrationNeo-Narrator: Damn it! This wasn’t supposed to happen! We just revealed out amazingly sinister plot, and took everyone completely by surprise! No one was in any shape to stop us, and now this has to happen! This totally sucks! 

PoCoN: Neo-Narrator fell to the floor sobbing.

Narrator: You can do that?

PoCoN: Do what?

Narrator: Just narrate Neo-Narrator like that.

PoCoN: Of course. That’s why I’m here: to narrate.

Narrator: There are three narrators here. I think we could’ve handled it.

PoCoN: But you three narrators are about to go to war with these main characters—you can’t narrate your own battles.

Narrator: I’m sure we could try.

PoCoN: This conversation isn’t making sense to me.

Narrator: Why not?

PoCoN: You were surprised that I could just narrate Neo-Narrator, yet you don’t have any doubt that you three could narrate each other.

Narrator: You’re right, I guess that doesn’t make sense. Come to think of it, haven’t we narrators had entire episodes where we narrate each other into oblivion?

PoCoN: Yes. In fact, I think I came around to take your powers once before so you couldn’t abuse your narrating.

Narrator: That was you?

PoCoN: I think so. That was many months ago; it’s hard to remember what goes on when this story doesn’t follow any sort of rules or structure.

Narrator: Speaking of structure, a huge cage suddenly fell on PoCoN, trapping him and draining him of all his powers of narration.

PoCoN: I’m sorry, but that’s not going to work. You see, I came back here to prevent you from abusing your narrator powers, as you’ve been known to do. I cagestripped you of your power the moment this episode started.

Narrator: What?!

PoCoN: Just kidding. I’m actually stuck in this cage now with no powers. I just said that to freak you out.

Narrator: You son of a bitch! I’ll narrate you straight to hell!!

Render Girl: Looks like we have another joining us!

Narrator: What?! Nooo!!!

Bar-Bar: Hahahahaha, BASTARD that BASTARD BASTARD!

Rivers: This is getting out of control! We’re exclamation pointing all over the place!

PoCoN: Yes, besides me there is only one other person here not having an exclamation point right now: that other narrator.

Rivers: Oh yeah! Bloodeater Narrator!

Render Girl: ….

PoCoN: I’m sorry, what?

Rivers: Bloodeat.… Oh my god….

Which Gate Do You Choose?


Render Girl: Oh, eewww!!

Rivers: That’s so not right!

Bar-Bar: BASTARD!!


PoCoN: I really can’t believe you took it there.

Narrator: The three narrators went back to their lair to regroup, and take a shower…


Neo-Narrator: What the hell is going on here?!

Bloodeater Narrator: I’m sorry, but could someone explain to me why everyone is so freaked out all of a sudden?

This poll ends on April 7.

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