Rating your videogame collection.
We’re not going to waste any time on this; we’re just going to hit the ground running.
How to play: Grab a piece of papyrus that you made yourself from glue and the bark of a tree and some pressed graphite to use as a scribing implement. Yes, any substitute will do, except for a pen, because you’ll surely make mistakes. Below are the names of games and the point totals they’re worth. If you own the game, you’ll gain plus points. If you don’t own the game, you’re a jive turkey and we will crack wise about yo’ momma.
You start with +50 points of integrity because I assume you voted for me in last month’s Versus Mode.
Don’t Own: +50
Why You Should Own It: You shouldn’t. It’s just a bad choice. Maybe this will change in the future when Blu-ray FINALLY wins out over HD DVD, the price of the GOOD PS3 bundles drop, and some extraordinary exclusive titles finally make it to the system.
Now tally up your points and decide whether or not life is worth living!
20 points or less, Hideous Orc. Why did you wake up this morning? If the answer isn’t “to go out and buy a Wii/an Xbox 360/World of Warcraft/a mail-order spouse,” then I don’t know why you bothered. Seriously. Unless you are fabulously wealthy and have more than enough money to purchase a PS3 because a grand to you is but a mere trifle, then can you send me an e-mail? I have some indecent proposals for you.
100 points or more, Grand Arcane Wizard. You have proven that you make sound fiscal and gaming console decisions. Point and laugh at anyone with 20 points or less, unless they are fabulously wealthy. They can hire people to kill you. Seriously. I also recommend making indecent proposals to them so you can get yo’ self a slice of that pie.
OK, all done. There’s your article. Piss off.
You’re still here? You want a FULL Are You Game article? Get out of here. Go read the next GameCola article.
OK FINE. FINE. I’ll do it. But I’m not doing it for the PS3. That thing sucks. I’ll mock your DS collection instead.
You start with +50 points of stubbornness because you’re still here pestering me for an article.
Don’t Own: -40 (See Below)
Why You Should Own It: A very enjoyable racer with new and classic refurbished tracks that is fun to play alone or in multiplayer. Only -20 if you don’t own a copy but you play the game all the time because a friend owns it. The game supports eight players with only one cartridge.
The Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass
Don’t Own: -40
Why You Should Own It: A Zelda title that makes excellent use of the stylus and doesn’t stray too heavily from the classic formula that makes the series so successful. The puzzles are top notch and the overall story is extremely well done.
Don’t Own: -40
Why You Should Own It: This title brings the old 2D side-scrolling Mario games to the next level in a major way. Evolving from Super Mario World, the game brings new elements while remaining true to the series and also offers some multiplayer battles that are an absolute riot.
Professor Layton and the Curious Village
Don’t Own: -35
Why You Should Own It: Probably the best puzzle game on the DS, which also gives big ups to the OGs of gaming, point-and-click adventures. Hours of puzzles that challenge you not just to solve puzzles but to actually think, topped off with some downloadable content.
Don’t Own: -30
Why You Should Own It: Easily the weirdest but most entertaining rhythm game on the platform, quite possibly across all platforms. It’s a must-have just for a good laugh, but it’s also very challenging. The soundtrack is as eclectic as it is enjoyable, considering how many times you have to listen to some of the tunes.
How’s your score looking so far? Are you the master of awesome with the maximum 265 points, or are you the master suck with a pathetic -135? Well, the master of suck part is probably independent of your score, but hey, you’ve made it this far in life, so it can’t be all bad! Buck up, little bear! Have +5 points just to bring a little sunshine in your life.
Castlevania: Dawn of Sorrow
Don’t Own: -20
Why You Should Own It: A highly customizable and experience-based Castlevania title. An excellent soundtrack, excellent graphics, and a unique soul system used to gain new abilities and bolster stats makes this title a must-have.
Don’t Own: -25
Why You Should Own It: What? You hate puppies? You’re a sick individual. Who doesn’t love puppies without all the slobber and picking up poop? And there are four different titles with different pup-pups, so you are sure to pick up the breed of your choice.
The World Ends With You
Don’t Own: -20 (See Below)
Why You Should Own It: A recent hit on this top ten list with one of the coolest customizable combat systems I have seen in a long time. Top-notch graphics, sounds, and gameplay make a refreshing new RPG title coming out of the least likely of places, Square Enix (I thought they just built crap off their old good titles). Only -5 if you plan on getting this title but haven’t because it hasn’t been out for a month yet as of this writing.
Don’t Own: -10
Why You Should Own It: Although I personally don’t care for this series, I realize this is probably the best turn-based strategy game on the DS. The game actually has good AI, which alone makes it worth owning.
Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney
Don’t Own: -10 (See Below)
Why You Should Own It: This title is here because Paul said that if it wasn’t on the list, I would be fired. – 5,000 if you’re the Editor in Chief of a respectable online gaming magazine.
Are you ready to finally have your station in life evaluated? Well, not so fast, Pokey. There are some final calculations to make. If you own any of the games below, no points are lost or added. These games are good filler to round out your collection, but none of them are must-haves.
Fillers: Animal Crossing: Wild World, Castlevania: Portrait of Ruin, Hotel Dusk: Room 215, Kirby: Canvas Curse, Mario & Luigi: Partner’s in Time, Meteos, Metroid Prime: Hunters, Pokémon (Diamond OR Pearl, but not both), Super Mario 64 DS, Yoshi’s Island DS.
Any other game you own, -5 points.
Tally up all your points and go on a journey of self-discovery and disappointment!
-210 or less, Pralines and Dick. You should have your DS taken away and given to a squirrel, because even a squirrel will make better use of it than you do.
-209 to -50, Maple Pecan. Well, you’re misguided. You’re playing with your DS, but you must have lost a stylus or got goop in the microphone or something. Whatever you’re doing, you’re doing it wrong. Strive to get better, please—you’re embarrassing the rest of us.
-49 to 100, Vanilla. There are a metric assload of DS games. You may have missed out on some of the best titles, but that’s OK; the damn thing has been out for over three years, and there are a lot of games to stay on top of. Consider this not as a punishment, but as a stern warning of things to come. If you have a positive score, you can take on the title of French Vanilla, if you prefer; it’s a little tastier than regular vanilla and goes well with Cinnamon Toast Crunch.
100 to 214, Rocky Road. You have a respectable collection of DS games, and you have shown responsibility in making your choices. If you’re missing a few of the titles on this list, it’s probably because you know your tastes well enough to stick to things you find safe. This is the cream of the crop, though! Take a chance on a title and maybe you will be pleasantly surprised! Members of the opposite sex will also find you more attractive.
215, Double Chocolate Marshmallow Oreo. You are a supreme being in the form of ice cream.
216 or more, Mathematical Powerhouse. You have found some way to add numbers in such a way that their sum is greater than their actual possible sum. Try again, moron.