(Editor’s note: This article was originally published in the September 2008 issue of GameCola, back when GameCola was published in a monthly online magazine format.)
New Haven, CT 06511
September 1, 2008
So I was trying to come up with an idea for Dear Readers, and I thought to myself, “Wouldn’t it be great if I could melt people’s faces together? To create one freak-face?”
Like they do on Conan.
Well, of course, that’s totally impossible using my rudimentary Photoshop skills.1 What is not impossible, however, thanks to this site, is turning people into monkeys, middle-aged women, and old guys.2
Which is why GameCola is proud to present its latest gimmicky Dear Readers:
(Note to first-time GameCola readers: Feel free to skip over this column. You’ll no doubt want to come back after you’ve fallen in love with our colorful cast of characters, but right now? Right now you have no idea who any of these people are. There’s a great narrative to go along with the pictures, though.)
Ahem. Hello there! You know what would be great? If we went to visit an old-people’s home. They don’t get enough visitors, those old people. Why don’t we just pop in and say “hi”?
Oh! Goodness! Hello there, Colin Greenhalgh! My, but you’re looking mighty old today. Is that a new wrinkle? Gosh, that’s great. And look! you have some friends in the old-folks home! Why, is that….
Carl Houghton?! By god, I think it is! Man, you’ve really let yourself go. In fact, I’d say that…oh, hello there! If it isn’t….
Alex Jedraszczak! What brings you to the old people’s home? Oh, that’s right—you’re old. And your mouth is falling apart. So Alex! Buddy! How have you been lately? Whatcha been up–no! Put that goddamn mirror down right now!
Ahhhhhh! What’s happened to me?! I used to be so sexy! I USED TO BE SO SEXY! I used to get all the ladies. You think I’m joking? I was a real ladies man! I used to dance with the likes of….
Eric Regan! Oh yes, we used to dance the night away. And you know what men and women do together after they dance? Why, they get together to make babies! Like cute widdle….
Michael Gray! Dear God, you are a frightening baby. If you were my baby, I wouldn’t even carry your picture around in my wallet. Do you have eyeballs painted on your sunglasses? Can we get some cute babies here? Can we get some….
AUUUUGH! No, Eric! No! You are not a cute baby! Get those gigantic teeth away from me! C’mon, babies? There’s gotta be another baby around here? PLEASE?! TELL ME WE HAVE A CUTE BABY.
Matthew Fraser! He’s SO adorable. Awww! I just want to..to…to .take him to the zoo! Yes, that’s it. The zoo! Hey, maybe while we’re there, maybe we’ll see some monkeys. In fact, oh my goodness, I think I see one now!
Carl Houghton?? Is that you again?! I thought you were an old person. Well, this is sort of an improvement, I guess. Oh, sure, you can introduce me to some of your monkey friends….
Hello again, Alex Jedraszczak! My, do you ever make for a fine monkey. In fact, with those ears, you might say that you’re a monkey-cat. Hey, speaking of monkey-cats….
MONKEY-CATS! AHHHHH! MONKEY-CATS!!! WHY ARE YOU A MONKEY-CAT, TERRENCE ATKINS? I CANNOT HANDLE THIS.
And so ends “What a bunch of freaks….”
Now that I’ve got you all warmed up and totally psyched about this month’s issue, hey, check this out! Here’s some of the bullet points of what you’ll be seeing today:
A chilling tale of overdoses!
A touching story about a boy, his step-dad, and a game.
A PSA about blood-sugar levels!
A journey to the land where strategy guides are made.
A frank discussion on the sexuality of numbers.
And whatever Matt writes about in …of the Month. He hasn’t sent it to me yet, so I have no idea what his topic will be, but by God, I know it’s going to exist.
editor in chief
1. I know because I tried. Here’s what was supposed to be Colin Greenhalgh with Eric Regan’s lips. I don’t know why Eric Regan’s lips are blue and purple.
2. Listen up, the TF community! Your dreams are about to come true.