Choose your own adventure in this RPG-esque epic that lets the readers vote on its outcome.
Chapter Sixty
Significant Plot Move Forward!
Audience: And so, the group decided to take the tram to Strategy Guideland, where they would surely find some hints as to how to reach the final boss who obviously prevented them from saving the world.
Rivers: Woohoo! Does this mean we’re on a new island?
Rivers: Because that’d mean we’d get to update our Ham map, and that’d be a lot of fun.
Rivers: So, new island?? It’s a new island, right??
Enrique: The audience said we took a tram here.
Render: Can trams go across oceans?
Enrique: No.
Rivers: So…same island?
Enrique: Yes.
Rivers: Well, I still want to put Strategy Guideland on the map.
Rivers: There.
Enrique: Nice.
Rivers: Did you see the pushpin? I added a pushpin to mark our current location.
Enrique: I noticed the pushpin.
Fifa Diprovo 4: This Rivers person….
Enrique: Seriously, just don’t even pay attention to him.
Render: Enrique’s right. The readers voted that we move the plot forward significantly this month, and we’re not going to do that by talking about what a huge map-dork Rivers is.
Render: So! Strategy Guideland!
Rivers: What’s there to do here, again?
Render: We’re going to find a walkthrough for taking on the NUDs.
Rivers: Is that what the gate said? I don’t think that’s what the gate said.
Enrique: wtf. We don’t need a walkthrough.
Render: The readers think otherwise.
Enrique: Well they suck. We don’t need a damn walkthrough!
???: lol @ ^
Enrique: WHO is loling at me?!
???: lol wut
Enrique: Stop that!
???: u def need a walkthru GAYrique
Rivers: Are you one of the Evil Children?
TorturedTrunks_2: lol mebbe wait whut
Render: I think I’m gonna hurl.
Rivers: Nice username!
TorturedTrunks_2: i wrte tha walkthrus
TorturedTrunks_2: and u need tha walkthrus
Render: No! There must be some other way!
Render: I can’t even look at or talk with you without feeling nauseous.
Enrique: We don’t even need a goddamn guide.
Rivers: Speak for yourself. I can’t even tie my shoes without a walkthrough.
Render: OK, whatever. Just give us the guide, then we can FINALLY take on the NUDs, and then we can FINALLY move on to a new story arch.
Rivers: Unless….
Enrique: WHAT. Unless WHAT.
Rivers: What if this is THE story arch?
Rivers: You know, like in the Secret World of Alex Mack…the whole show was spent keeping her secret from everyone, and then when everyone found out, the series was over.
Rivers: What if TGoL has really all been about putting an end to the NUDs?
Render: Doubtful. That plotline started earlier this year, didn’t in? TGoL’s been going on for like…five years.
Render: Your theory doesn’t make any sense.
Rivers: Maybe not, but it’s at least planted some seeds of doubt into the readers’ minds about moving on with this plan.
Rivers: After all…if you keep voting to destroy the NUDs…that could also destroy the story.
Render: That’s pretty much impossible.
Rivers: I’m just trying to add some suspense.
Render: Also, the readers haven’t been voting to destroy the NUDs.
Rivers: I’m just sayin’….
Enrique: Can you stop talking now? Jeez.
Render: Yeah, we need some plot advancement.
Render: Which I guess means getting the walkthrough.
Rivers: I thought the addition of the pushpin was pretty significant….
Render: Then I guess we could just stop now.
Render: But we should probably talk to the Trunks thing, and I absolutely cannot do it.
Render: Rivers, you understand retard, don’t you? You do it.
Rivers: So, Trunks–
TorturedTrunks_2: its TorturedTrunks_2
Rivers: Give us the walkthrough?
TorturedTrunks_2: no
Enrique: If he won’t give it to us, can we just go.
TorturedTrunks_2: no
Enrique: Shut your damned piehole!
TorturedTrunks_2: U WILL FAIL W/O GUIDE!!
Enrique: Is there ANY REASON AT ALL we believe this thing?
Render: The readers voted for us to get a guide, so we have to guide.
Render: That’s how the story works.
Rivers: Actually, all the readers said is that we’d “surely find some hints” here.
Render: STOP IT RIVERS. JUST STOP IT.
Render: I’m going to swap you out for Bar-Bar. He can melee just as well as you, and he might actually be less annoying.
Rosa: Come on guys, stop fighting!
Rivers: Hey, you were able to get a line in this month. I was staring to wonder.
Fifa Diprovo 4: You know, let me just speed this thing along.
Fifa Diprovo 4: There’s a task you’ll have to perform in order to get the walkthrough.
Render: Why? Seriously. Can’t he just give it to us?
Which Gate Do You Choose?
Make War
Fifa Diprovo 4: You have to battle through a gauntlet of long-lost characters from The Gates of Life!
Enrique: Yawn.
Fifa Diprovo 4: And you have to do it…blindfolded.
Fifa Diprovo 4: Also, they have one-hit kill.
Fifa Diprovo 4: And there’s a time limit. You have to do it in 10 minutes.
Enrique: Why! Why would we have to do this! Why does this have ANYTHING to do with us getting the damn FAQ?!
Make Love
Fifa Diprovo 4: You have to hook him up.
Rivers: Excuse me?
Fifa Diprovo 4: He’ll give you the guide, no problem. But he needs your help to get a girlfriend.
Make it Easy on Yourself
Fifa Diprovo 4: You have to…nah, I’m just messing. The guide’s sitting right over there; you can just pick it up. TorturedTrunks_2 is just too lazy to get it for you.
Render: That was an awesome joke, Fifa Diprovo 4.
Move On
Fifa Diprovo 4: You have to–
Render: I don’t care. This is stupid, and we’re going to go do something else.
This poll ends on September 7.
