Choose your own adventure in this RPG-esque epic that lets the readers vote on its outcome.
Render: I don’t have any money.
Rivers: Neither do I!
Enrique: Don’t look at me.
Fifa Diprovo 4: And so the heroic trio stole the strategy guide and ran away like common thieves.
Rivers: You don’t have to be so judgmental, narrator.
Enrique: And you don’t have to be so emo, FOOL!
Rivers: Shut up, Enrique! Why do you always have to be such a jerk to me?!
Enrique: Because you suck.
Fifa Diprovo 4: I think I’m going to speed things along.
Fifa Diprovo 4: Rivers, Enrique, and Captain Thomas “7-Eye” Render VI of Trelenodora got within a safe distance of the Obnoxious Videogame Store Employee—which wasn’t very far, since it had been many cheeseburgers since Ovse could run very far—and opened up the strategy guide they’d pilfered.
Fifa Diprovo 4: The guide’s purpose, of course, was to give them hints on how to take on the Narrators United Doom Squad, a group of superpowerful rogue narrators who have probably taken over the world by now, since it’s been such a long time since we last saw them.
Rivers: Hey, nice exposition there.
Fifa Diprovo 4: Thanks.
Render: OK, so let’s see. It says that we have to go to this island called Floomdawnder, and then scale Mt. Rockslide, at the top of which is the NUDS Headquarters.
Enrique: That’s it? Couldn’t we have gotten that from an NPC?
Render: No, that’s not it.
Render: There’s also a guidemap for how to scale the mountain. Seems there’s some parts of it you can’t step on without causing a–
Rivers: A rockslide, right?! I bet that’s why it got that name.
Enrique: Shut up.
Rivers: YOU shut up.
Fifa Diprovo 4: AND THEN THEY STOPPED ARGUING AND GOT GOING, hitching a ride on a giant antelope butterfly and making haste for Floomdawnder. Leaving behind Cecil and Rosa, incidentally, who were still happily having sex in the woods.
Fifa Diprovo 4: They left behind someone else, too…someone who wasn’t happily having sex.
Fifa Diprovo 4: Or even having sex at all.
Fifa Diprovo 4: Oh, look! There’s that someone now!
TorturedTrunks_2: ow mi head
TorturedTrunks_2: owwww wtf y wud theyd do that
TorturedTrunks_2: AND WERE IS MY GF I WAS SUPPOSED 2 HAVE A GF!!!!
Fifa Diprovo 4: Indeed, TorturedTrunks_2 had been stabbed by Cecil, so cleanly that a very big chunk of his head came right off. Which would have killed a normal human….
TorturedTrunks_3: ya!!!!!! but hes part STARFISH!!!
TorturedTrunks_3: and so am i
Fifa Diprovo 4: He regrew the rest of his head shortly after the party left.
Fifa Diprovo 4: And his nasty headchunk grew itself a new body, too.
TorturedTrunks_2: we will get them
TorturedTrunks_3: ya we will
TorturedTrunks_2: i wrote the guide i know where theyre going lets follow them
Fifa Diprovo 4: The group landed in Floomdawnder, completely unaware of the mortal peril that was on its way.
Render: Wait, unaware of the what? Is there something you should be telling us, narrator?
Rivers: Never mind THAT! It’s time to update the world map!
Render: I think this might be more important….
Rivers: THE MAP!!
Render: Those are kind of big to be islands, aren’t they? At what point do they become continents?
Rivers: Take that back!
Render: OK, anyway. We should go to the inn and rest first, since we’re all still down to 1 hp from last month’s poison.
Render: And I guess from there…we climb Mt. Rockslide!
Enrique: GOOD TIMES!
Fifa Diprovo 4: And so, they spent the night in the local Floomdawnderian inn.
Fifa Diprovo 4: The next day, they were awoken by a knock on their door….
Bill the Innkeeper: *knock knock*
Rivers: Who is it?
Bill the Innkeeper: Bill the Innkeeper.
Render: What do you want?
Which Gate Do You Choose?
The Unencumbered Journey Up Mt. Rockslide
Bill the Innkeeper: Oh, I just wanted to make sure you were ready for your big trip up Mt. Rockslide!
Render: Thanks, Bill the Innkeeper. We are.
Rivers: OK, let’s get going!
Fifa Diprovo 4: The party made their way toward Mt. Rockslide, since Bill the Innkeeper didn’t bring along any visitors that would prevent them from doing so.
The Starfishmen Attack!
Bill the Innkeeper: There’s two fellows here to see you. They’re–AUUUUUGH!!!!
Fifa Diprovo 4: Bill the Innkeeper fell at a bloody heap at our heroes’ door, as TorturedTrunks_2 and TorturedTrunks_3 burst into their room.
TorturedTrunks_2: u rnt going anywhere
TorturedTrunks_3: we will kill u rite nao!!!!!!!!
Enrique: wtf? Why is there two of it.
Attack the Starfishmen!
Bill the Innkeeper: There’s someone here to see you. It’s…uhh…what did you say your name was again?
Enrique: You were stabbed in the head.
TorturedTrunks_1: no tht was 2!!! i am 1!!!! the original.
TorturedTrunks_1: u need my help to get rid of them!!!!!!!
Render: The NUDS? Thanks, but we’ve already got the guide.
TorturedTrunks_1: NO NOT THE NUDS!!!!
This poll ends on November 7.