Captain Eric Regan offers readers advice on their videogame-related life disasters.
Dear Eric (I doubt you’re really a “Captain,” so I’m not going to call you that),
Let me get right to the point: Are there any videogame reviews I can trust? One site will say a game’s great, another will say it’s the worst game ever made, and then I’ll play a game, and it’ll just be OK. Are there any Web sites out there, or any magazines, or whatever, that will give me an honest and correct opinion of how good a game is?
If you say “GameCola,” I’ll steal your stupid little captain’s hat.
I Have No Faith
Dear Miserable Loser,
That is quite the little quandary you have there. You ask for some reviews that you can trust! However, you seem to be a person who doesn’t trust anything. You’re probably also very familiar with being called things like “giant douche.” So here you go:
No, there is nothing you can trust—no sources at all. Except for your own eyes. What you need to do now is spare humanity any more involvement with your magnificent self and just hide away and play every single videogame ever. Then, and only then, will you truly know which games were worthy of your time and which were just unacceptable! Then perhaps you can start up your own little JackassCola and talk about how right YOU are about EVERYTHING!
Or you could just read GameCola.
And don’t even think about touching my hat!
CAPTAIN (whom shall always be addressed as such) Eric
Dear Captain Eric,
My Wii’s just been collecting dust since it came out, since there aren’t ever any games for it that I want to play, and yet, the thing’s STILL flying off shelves. What the hell? Who keeps BUYING this system, and why? There’s absolutely nothing on it worth playing besides the Virtual Console games, and I’m pretty sure you can get Super Mario Bros. for the NES for a lot less than $350.
– Big Wiiner
Your name is very disturbing; please get it changed at once. However, you are very correct: The Wii is pretty much worthless! But it is tapping into a different demographic of videogamers than you and I. Now, these new people seem to be buying up the systems like hotcakes! But who knows what this means for sales of the actual games. Who knows how many Wii Sports and Wii Fit spin-offs one person who spends three hours a week with their videogaming system can handle!
The Wii is just not for people like us, Wiiner. It is for a new breed of gamer! Whether that type of gamer will actually prove fruitful for Nintendo or other companies…has yet to be seen. But for now, let’s show off the console sales figures! WOOO!
Or, another way to look at it is that the Wii makes a much better paperweight than either the 360 or the PS3. I’m sure someone will wake up soon and start producing worthy games for it…and for, well, anything. Hopefully.
Sincerely, Captain Eric