Captain Eric Regan offers readers advice on their videogame-related life disasters.
Dear Captain Eric,
I recently broke my PS2 controller, and I need to get a new one. Unfortunately, I can’t afford to buy anything, because I have been out of work for six weeks. There’s no way I can get another job, because I spend all my time at home, watching Mulan. What should I do?
Eric: Times are tough for everyone nowadays. However, the true silent sufferer in this harsh economic climate is: the slacker. Not only are the precious few jobs set aside for slackers dwindling, but now the friends of slackers no longer have the means to support their slackerdom.
So, MX, obviously the only thing you can do is head down to your local gay bar and win the $10 grand prize on Mulan Trivia Night.
You are welcome,
Dear Captain Eric,
I just love your advice—thanks for writing this column.
Here’s my question.
I am way, way better at videogames than my friend. Every time we play together, I completely own him. I think he feels embarrassed that I’m so much better than him, or maybe he’s just pissed that he keeps losing. Either way, now he won’t play with me anymore.
What should I do? Should I try to get him to play with me again, and then let him win? Should I just find other people to play with?
I could really use your help, Captain Eric,
Eric: This is a very common problem, actually. There are many people who can’t take losing well, even in the world of videogaming, where there really are no winners. How you handle this problem is up to you. You have a variety of options.
First of all, do you actually like this friend? If not, then the easiest course of action is to call him out, question him about his favorite fairy princesses, and never see that whining bastard ever again.
Now, if you actually are forced, for some reason, to have a continued relationship with this person…there is a secret weapon. You see, people who feel embarrassed by losing at videogames are also the same people who are very interesting in two other aspects of gaming. These, of course, are gamer “cred” and the always useless…Achievement Points. Simply dangle these two “rewards” in front of this person you have labeled as a friend, and he will be unable to resist playing “one more game” for however long you want! MAGIC!