My Controversial “Dear Readers” Column

We love you, we really do; we just can't really show it right now by finishing the new site. Oh, and the fits of ire and the groans of impudence...

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(Editor’s note: This blog post was originally posted to GameCola’s main site during our six-month-long hiatus.)
(Author’s note: I am posting here the “Dear Readers” column I had prepared for December’s index page, as I have been informed by the great bearded one himself that several, unnamed co-workers have found it offensive to the point where it was not fit to be put on the front page as intended.
I’m not going to argue the tenements to which that choice was made because I knew well-in-advance I was scraping that border in the first place and I could do no less than accept whatever consequences come of it; however, I do feel that choice was made in light of misrepresentation—which is interesting considering how long I’ve been here working with all of you and how many of you should know better.
My text was not a serious rant. I was not seriously angry with anyone; I was just touching on the fact that the only people who seem to support us are us. I have rarely, if ever, seen of or heard of reader contributions, so to me it just looks like we’re busting our ass to build a new page for readers who probably don’t care in the first place. I genuinely feel that way, but not nearly to a vitriolic point such as what was satirically designed for my writing assignment.
You have to understand something here: I’m Meteo Xavier. It’s my JOB to write things that are way outside of very conventional formats with an edge to it, whatever that edge may be. I have not contributed to GameCola in many months and I was in decent danger of returning dull and uninspired. That’s what happens when you get out of shape for 1/3 of a year.
I do apologize that it caused some miscommunications, but I really don’t want to apologize for going overboard. I’d rather overdo it and prove I still have some edge and artistic integrity and idea than to under-do it. If I’m not writing something that is outrageous, causes genuine stimulus and excitement and really grabs your attention through deft creativity and intensity (such as attacking the readers, something no one else would think to do after semi-retirement in this industry), then I’m quite simply not doing my job. I have to be angry and inspire debate and controversy and unpredictability to some degree or I’m not doing my job to set GameCola apart from everyone else on the block. GameCola’s unique integrity and distinction are worth more than my pity pride any day of the week, and I’ll gladly be the unlikable asshole to add some more dimension to such a tight-knit group and website.
And on that note, here is the rant so offensive that you pussies couldn’t handle it. Enjoy!)

Dear Readers,

We love you, we really do; we just can’t really show it right now by finishing the new site.

Oh, and the fits of ire and the groans of impudence… I myself am personally lovin’ it, as I’m sure you do, as you haven’t had to say “Ugh, Meteo…skip ahead to Michael Gray…” since early summer. My life since June has been so ridiculously, conceptually incestuously messed up that output in the videogame world just would not happen without great sacrifice (and I’m talking roasting sperm whales over open flames as virgins the world over menstruate into paraplegia to Baal type of sacrifice). Just to illustrate: one week ago a routine doctor inspection of “what the hell is this thing on my back?” turned into minor but immediate surgery. I was literally lying in a pool of my own blood for 20 minutes. Face down. The irony of this being that I ended up going under the knife for a cancer-related surgery the same time my MOM did five minutes away. True story. Also, the novella I did? Fucking failed. There’s just no way to do a deep, weird, awesome, character-driven epic in under 60 pages (as per the publishers’ request)—much like it’s impossible to physically and literally be two or more places at the same time…but I DID IT, and the fucker still didn’t take it, because it was EXACTLY what he wanted.

Needless to say (yet it will be said, ohhhh you bet your fuckin’ ASS I’ll say it!), I’ve been busy. We’ve been busy. You’ve been busy. My album STILL isn’t done yet (it’s actually taken longer at this point to get it put together than it did to compose it.) This is life. This is what happens on Earth.

But, hey, since I finally get to have a heart-to-heart with you, the readers, I can come right out and say it:

Who the fuck are you to get apologies from us?

Really, why do we have to answer to you for anything? What have you done for us lately? When was the last time you rated and commented our posts? When was the last time you posted in our forums? When was the last time you donated money to our cause? Don’t give me that “Are you there, God? It’s me, Meteo…” shit; you readers know as well as we do you sit on your cystic asses holding back nose bleeds from your high horses, and nobody can say anything. Please. You’re not royalty here. If anything, you’re the videogame journalistic equivalent of livestock; we’ve just been polite about it—but hey, give you an inch…

If EGM had the balls to tell you to your face how profoundly useless you people are to our industry, it would still be alive today. YOU, yes, YOU are what’s dragging down our industry. We do all the work, you get all the benefits…at our cost! So go fuck yourself! Right now! Get your ass out on the street and just start fucking yourself for all to see! Oh, you need some help? Sure, we can do that! We can get Zach and Christian and Jeddy and Michael Ridgaway, but not Michael Gray since he’s pretty much running this site with one hand tied behind his ass, and even sweet, gullible Nathanial Hoover and we’ll ALL come out and just starting fucking you right there in the street for all to see!!

But hey… We love you, we really do. That’s why, even though we don’t technically have a working site right now, we’re STILL providing content: here in the blogs section, our YouTube page, our Facebook page and our MySp…do we have a MySpace? I don’t know, I don’t ever look at that shit, but it’s up there and it’s waiting for your spoiled, H1N1-infected ass to check out.

At this point, Paul wants me to promise you that the new site is getting worked on. Well, I can do that, but you didn’t earn that promise. We’re working on the site and it’s getting done whenever it fucking gets done. If you want it done faster, why not show some support by posting for all the many writers here, or donating to the site and Paul’s cause?

Just fucking do it.

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About the Contributor

Since 2008

Meteo Xavier has been gaming for a quarter of a century and has quite a bit to talk about from that era. He is the author of "Vulgarity For the Masses" and you can find more on him and his game reviews at

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