Zelda fans have been getting increasingly anxious about Wii Zelda. After all, the last console Zelda game was Twilight Princess in 2006, and it’s now 2010. Sure, there have been two installments of Toon Link’s Wacky Adventure Time DS in the meantime, but people are getting hungry for a realistic, plot-heavy Zelda game.
Needless to say, all sorts of rumors have been floating around in cyberspace about this game, such as…
- They’re almost finished with the game. This rumor has been floating around since 2006.
- Zelda: Twilight Princess is the inspiration for Twilight: New Moon.
- Link and Zelda will finally become an official couple, complete with gratuitous kissing scenes. They will later break up because of the “Sheik” issue.
Now, if I was in charge, Nintendo would have had a demo of Wii Zelda at the last few E3 conferences. Not because I want to see what the game is like, but because the E3 demo of Twilight Princess was the best part of that game (and the rest of the game was nothing like it, so you know they made it specifically for E3 showoffery). Sadly, all we’ve seen so far is a piece of concept art that looks exactly like fanart, but less cool.
Fortunately, I was just given a copy of the upcoming E3 Zelda Wii demo. Not E3 2010, mind you; E3 2050. I figure that it’s my duty to tell you what the game is like, using what may or may not be jokes left over from the first list in this article.
- The final boss of the game is Tingle.
- You can switch back and forth between the Realistic Zelda universe and the Toon Zelda universe at any time in the game.
- Link doesn’t have a sword in this game. Instead, he defeats enemies by challenging them to a game of patty-cake.
- Instead of playing an ocarina, Link plays air guitar.
The demo was only five minutes long, but it was still very slick-looking, and you can expect to see this game get released in…um…
OK, I lied. I know; it’s shocking that I would lie in a fake news column, but the truth is that I haven’t played a demo of Zelda Wii. The reason we haven’t seen anything from Zelda Wii yet is because they haven’t done any work on the game whatsoever, except for a few doodles of Link driving a sports car. That, my friends, is the sad, sad truth.
At least, that’s true as far as I can tell, and I challenge Nintendo to prove me wrong.