GameCola recently conducted a staff poll to determine what games we think are the best and worst of all time. After adding up all the point totals, we came up with a definitive list, which is sure to offend people with its lack of any Sonic games and no mention of Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past. How’d we forget them?

When making the list, we tried to group games together by series, because otherwise the list would end up looking more like “The Twenty Most Recent Zelda Games.” The only exceptions to this rule are the Mario and Final Fantasy series, which got two games apiece. Our excuse is that the games we picked are on different systems. Anyway, please enjoy GameCola’s version of…

The Twenty Best Games of All Time

20. Pong (Arcade)

Ah, the game that started it all. In Pong, you use paddles to hit a ball back and forth across the screen. It was the first videogame ever made, and it will forever hold a place in the hearts of old-school gamers who believe that gameplay, not graphics, is the key to a great game.

19. Super Mario Bros. (NES)

OK, forget Pong. Super Mario Bros. is the game that started it all. It single-handedly launched Mario into international stardom and placed a Nintendo into every home in America, as well as three Canadian homes. It’s no exaggeration to say that without this masterpiece of a game, the gaming world as we know it today would probably not exist.

18. The Oregon Trail (PC)

Oregon Trail is the epitome of educational videogames in most people’s minds. You star as some pioneers who are trying to get to Oregon, and along the way, you have to hunt buffalo, ford streams, and watch your characters get bitten by rattlesnakes every three seconds. Yes, that sounds like the plot of the next Indianna Jones movie, but trust us: this game is even better than Indy V. If you haven’t already, pick up a copy of the original, or one of its 5,000 remakes.

17. Tetris (GB)

If you say that Super Mario Bros. made the NES famous, Tetris is what made the Game Boy famous. It’s a simple enough puzzle game, and it is also ridiculously addicting; while Pokémon or Final Fantasy may be able to boast that they have 50+ hour games, Tetris can easily say that it is the longest-played game of all time. Half of our staff members have easily passed the 200 hour mark on Tetris, and there’s no sign of them putting down this game anytime soon.

16. Street Fighter II (SNES)

Forget Super Smash Bros. Everyone knows that the best fighting series of all time is Mortal Kombat Street Fighter. Ryu and Ken have become celebrities in their own right, no matter what the GameFAQs Character Battle says. It was the first fighting game to use combination attacks (which revolutionized the fighting genre completely), and it currently holds three different world records. It is no surprise to anyone that this game is still Capcom’s biggest seller of all time. Hadoken!

15. The Guitar Hero Series (PS2)

Today, the biggest videogame series has to be Guitar Hero and its little brother Rock Band. These games single-handedly made it cool to be a gamer again. Using a guitar-shaped controller, you can learn to play all your favorite songs like a professional musician, and yes, it is just as awesome as it sounds. Personally, we wouldn’t be surprised if Guitar Hero: The Movie hit the theaters this fall.

14. The Resident Evil Series (PS1, 2 and 3)

When you mention the survival horror genre, most people get confused. There’s an entire genre of survival horror games? I thought there was just one: Resident Evil. Yes, Resident Evil is so good that it has had complete control over the survival horror market since 1996, despite the best attempts of Silent Hill and Fatal Frame. We’re always looking forward to the next Resident Evil game or movie, whichever comes first.

13. The Phoenix Wright Series (DS)

The Phoenix Wright series is ridiculously popular, at least with the GameCola staff, because whenever they hold a podcast about it, only two people show up. The games are all about Ace Attorney Phoenix Wright, who fights his way through a series of dramatic courtroom trials and murder investigations. Starring a cast of characters even wackier than the team behind Saturday Night Live, and featuring plots that are more intricate than last week’s episode of LOST, the only objection we have to this series is the fact that it stopped at three games.

12. Banjo-Kazooie and Banjo-Tooie (N64)

Speaking of series that were over too soon, the best platformer games of all time are the Banjo-Kazooie games for the N64. Do you wonder why nobody makes platformers anymore? It’s because the Banjo games were so good, it’s impossible to top them, and in fact, no one even tries to do so. You star as the bear-and-bird team of Banjo and Kazooie as they travel though all sorts of brilliantly-designed worlds to collect notes, eggs, and yes, jinjos. As Gruntilda the Witch says, “If you don’t enjoy this game / It’s because you’re super lame.”

11. The Monkey Island Series (PC)

Monkey Island is the best adventure game series ever. Hands down. With hilarious jokes and ingenious puzzles, zombie pirates, voodoo rituals and more monkeys than you can shake a stick at, it’s impossible not to find something to like about these games. Guybrush Threepwood is perhaps the most-liked character in adventure game history, and you can bet your booty that a hundred years from now, people will still be making Monkey Island games.

10. GoldenEye 007 (N64)

Perhaps the best licensed game of all time (although that’s not saying much), GoldenEye 007 lets you take the role of James Bond as he shoots bad guys, bad guys and more bad guys. This game pretty much invented multiplayer mode and made it a standard feature of videogames up to this day. We’re also going to be so bold as to say that it invented the first-person shooter genre (sorry, Doom and Quake), because compared to it, all other first-person shooters at the time fall down like they’ve just been hit by a Walther PPK.

9. Halo 3 (Xbox 360)

Halo 3 is the best game of the Halo series, at least until Halo 4 comes out. Take everything cool about GoldenEye 007 and multiply it by ten; you’ll be somewhere close to Halo 3. With dazzling graphics, superb gameplay, and the best online multiplayer you could hope for, it’s no surprise that over 8 million copies of this game have been sold, and over a billion online matches have been played so far. We’d say something about the excellent storytelling in single-player mode, but only one staff member has actually played through it.

8. Super Mario 64 (N64)

This is the game that defined 3D gaming. The first and perhaps only N64 game worth playing (if you don’t count the other N64 games on this list), this is the game that all other games wish they could be. We could go on and on about how wonderful this game is, but that’s completely unnecessary because you’ve already experienced this game’s greatness firsthand. In fact, we’re pretty sure it’s illegal to call yourself a gamer if you haven’t played Super Mario 64.

7. The Mega Man Series (NES)

Ah, Mega Man. Is it any surprise that the series is still going strong? Mega Man represents the high point of platforming, with its ingenious puzzles, impossibly tricky fighting, and high level of replayability. It’s simple, but brilliant, and the most impressive part is that Mega Man 10 was just released last month. That’s right; the series is so good that they can release NES Mega Man games over fifteen years after the NES became defunct. To say nothing of the equally-awesome SNES Mega Man X series or the 3,000 other Mega Man sequels, we’ll just say that if you haven’t heard of this old-school series, you should really check it out.

6. Super Metroid (SNES)

Come on, admit it. You knew this game was going to be on the list. Metroid is the best action series that Nintendo has to offer, and Super Metroid is the best game in the series. There are loads of weapons, puzzles and action in this game, but it also has a compelling plot; in fact, we’re pretty sure that over half of our staff members cried at the ending. Seeing Samus go up against Mother Brain is one of the greatest moments in videogame history, no matter which history book you’re reading.

5. Chrono Trigger (SNES)

What happens when the creator of Final Fantasy teams up with the creator of Dragon Ball Z to make a videogame? You get a game that can’t possibly fail. Throw in one of the leaders of Dragon Quest, and you get the best game ever. My friends, that game is Chrono Trigger, and even if it’s not well-known outside of Japan, it still garners enough respect that no top ten videogame list is complete without it. With an awesome time-travel plot, complete with optional character-development sidequests and multiple endings–to say nothing of the graphics and the much-needed ability to avoid random battles–it doesn’t take a genius to realize that if you haven’t played this game already, you need to buy it immediately and do so. Seriously, put down that copy of BioShock and pick up Chrono Trigger. You’ll thank us later.

4. EarthBound (SNES)

Another SNES RPG that isn’t too well-known outside of Japan, EarthBound follows the wacky adventures of Ness and his friends on their quest to save the world. And by “wacky,” we mean hilarious. This is the only RPG guaranteed to make you laugh at least a dozen times per sitting (just like GameCola!). That’s right: an RPG that is funny. It’s a novel concept, and it works perfectly. Why the sequel hasn’t been released outside of Japan yet is completely beyond us.

3. Final Fantasy VII (PS1)

The first 3D Final Fantasy game, it still holds the record for best-selling Final Fantasy game of all time. You star as mercenary Cloud Strife, AKA the Best Character Ever, and you guide him and his companions on their quest to stop Shinra and Sephiroth. With photo-realistic cutscenes and a story so engrossing that it’d make William Shakespeare cry, many people think that the Final Fantasy series should have ended after this game, because there’s no way you can top it. We demand a remake NOW.

2. Final Fantasy VI (SNES)

The other greatest Final Fantasy game of all time, FFVI takes the traditional rules for RPGs–rules that Final Fantasy established, mind you–and breaks them all in a stunning coup de grace (French for “awesome cutscene”). Epic boss battles, majestic music, not one but two huge overworlds and a midway point that people are still talking about: this is the sort of thing great videogames are made of.

1. The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time (N64)

No surprise here. Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time was the most eagerly-anticipated game of the N64, and it did not disappoint. Link must travel back and forth through time to stop the evil king Ganondorf, who wants Zelda dead, the power of the Triforce, and to drive Link insane by means of an annoying fairy. …Or something like that. Link’s epic journey through time is one of the most memorable experiences in all of videogame history, and, really, it’s an insult to this masterpiece to call it a mere “game.” It is, in fact, a true Legend.

So those are the top twenty games, with comments by our various staff members. Quite a list, right? Kinda makes you want to start replaying all of them, doesn’t it? Well, don’t start yet! We still have to get through the list of games that you will definitely never want to replay. In fact, none of them are worth playing the first time around. Get your barf bags ready as we count down…

The Twenty Worst Games of All Time

20. Pong (Arcade)

As you can see, Pong has the cheapest graphics ever made. And gameplay? This game is so slow that you can take a nap in between turns. A must-skip on anyone’s list.

19. Super Mario Bros. (NES)

Thirty-two levels of lame, complete with a princess who is never inside the castle. Mario and his pixel-swapped brother fight a slew of poorly-designed enemies for no apparent reason. Also, they can grow big and shoot fireballs. Who was drunk when they came up with this monstrosity?

18. The Oregon Trail (PC)

Have you ever wondered what it was like to be a pioneer on the Oregon Trail in 1857? Of course not! Nobody cares what happened to pioneers in 1857. Anything over ten years old is ancient history as far as we’re concerned. A bad game based off a bad concept; that’s all this is.

17. Tetris (GB)

Blockhead is the perfect term to describe anyone who likes this game. You drop blocks, then you drop blocks, and then, guess what? You drop blocks some more! Doing the exact same thing over and over and over again in an attempt to get to the game’s imaginary ending? It’s like the game’s creators were actively trying to make it as un-entertaining as possible.

16. Street Fighter II (SNES)

Street Fighter II is known for revolutionizing the fighter genre by introducing the idea of combo attacks. Wait, did I say revolutionizing? I meant ruining. Combo attacks immediately degenerated into random button mashing. Want to win a fight? Strategy doesn’t matter! Just hit random buttons! It works just as well! Thank you for killing what used to be a good genre, Street Fighter.

15. The Guitar Hero Series (PS2)

Speaking of mindless button mashing, Guitar Hero has to be the worst culprit ever. Want to press buttons randomly and pretend that you’re playing music? Want to pay twenty extra bucks for a plastic guitar accessory? If the answer to both these questions is “yes,” the answer to, “Do you have a brain?” is “no.”

14. The Resident Evil Series (PS1, 2 and 3)

Ooo, scary zombies! Spooky houses with poor lighting! These games play like an episode of Scooby Doo, except nowhere near as good. Seriously, if we wanted to be scared, we wouldn’t play videogames; we’d visit a public school. Next!

13. The Phoenix Wright Series (DS)

What do you do if your book isn’t good enough to get published? Turn it into a videogame, of course! The Phoenix Wright games have as little gameplay as humanly possible; all you do is read the half-baked story the writer came up with. Save yourself the time and read an actual book.

12. Banjo-Kazooie and Banjo-Tooie (N64)

Hey! Let’s make a game about a hillbilly bear! And he carries a bird around in his backpack! And they collect musical notes and puzzle pieces! We’ve seen some pretty bad game concepts on this list, but this has to be the worst one so far. No amount of work could save this clunker of a game from ending up anywhere besides the trash can.

11. The Monkey Island Series (PC)

There are about 50,000 jokes in every Monkey Island game, which would be a good thing, except for the fact that none of them are funny. The stupid jokes are paired with voice acting that is so horrible, you’ll have to put the game on mute if you want to make it through an entire game alive. But really, why would you want to play one of these games for more than three seconds?

10. GoldenEye 007 (N64)

There’s no such thing as a good licensed game, and this game is proof. Based off a movie that no one ever saw, you spend this game fighting the bad control scheme and graphics reminiscent of the NES. It’s a good thing James Bond isn’t real, because if he was, he’d be gunning for this game’s developers next.

9. Halo 3 (Xbox 360)

Halo 3 is the reason nobody owns an Xbox 360. The only thing more offensive than this game is the smell emanating from its fans, who have probably never even heard of the word “shower.”Something about this gun-fest brings out the worst in gamers, and we’re staying as far away from it as we possibly can.

8. Super Mario 64 (N64)

By now, the Mario license is so big that Nintendo can release any piece of garbage with the name “Mario” in the title and have it sell a million copies. Super Mario 64 is the worst offender; everything about this game screams rushed, half-finished project. Instead of having Mario go through 30 different levels, Mario goes through 5 levels, 6 times in a row. Rip-off move, Nintendo.

7. The Mega Man Series (NES)

Do you enjoy dying 1,000 times on the first level? 2,000 times on the second? Then Mega Man is the series for you! None of these games are remotely beatable, and it’s impossible not to die every, oh, three seconds. Whoever thought this was fun was wrong.

6. Super Metroid (SNES)

Just because this game is called Super Metroid does not mean it is super. In fact, it is just about as far from super as you can get. The only way to beat this game is by wandering around aimlessly without any sense of direction whatsoever because, surprise! The developers couldn’t be bothered to think up an order that you have to get the three near-identical abilities in. If you like not knowing what to do all the time, this is the game for you.

5. Chrono Trigger (SNES)

Time travelling? Yawn. Angsty heroes wandering around for no discernible purpose? Double yawn. The only thing that’ll put you to sleep faster than the gameplay is the soundtrack to this insomnia-killing adventure.

4. EarthBound (SNES)

Proof that some games should stay in Japan, EarthBound has nothing to do with the Earth or being bound. Instead, it really has nothing to do with anything. Ness travels from town to town, meeting a series of easily forgettable characters, while the text tries to trick you into thinking it’s “wacky” by making toilet humor jokes every five minutes. The worst part of the game has to be the Fuzzy Pickles photographer, who halts the game’s progression every two minutes in order to take stupid photographs that you never get to see. Nice.

3. Final Fantasy VII (PS)

Final Fantasy did it. They managed to become the most overrated series in the history of videogames. That’s not saying much, because even something as simple as “Oh boy, this is going to be fun!” is waaay more praise than this game deserves. Cloud Strife is the stupidest name for a character ever, and nobody is interested in his drawn-out “adventures.” Suuuure, I want to waste 70 hours following these characters who have less depth than The Cat in the Hat. Can I have my twenty bucks back yet?

2. Final Fantasy VI (SNES)

How did the series make it to six games without anyone realizing that all its games are exactly the same? We have it on good authority that the original name of this game is Final Fantasy Sux, and boy, does it ever! Guide your characters through three million identical battles so they can do…what again? I forgot, because it doesn’t matter. Neither does this game.

1. The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time (N64)

The only thing dumber than this game are the people who have read this far in the column without realizing it’s an April Fools’ joke. This game is saddled with impossibly-long cutscenes that desperately need voice acting to make them somewhat bearable, because the plot of this game is more predictable than an episode of Dora the Explorer. And Zelda? She appears three times in this game. Each time is in one of those cutscenes. Yeah, she’s not actually an important character, even though they named the game after her. Put this turkey back in the oven for a few more years; it’s not done yet!

Man, those games are horrible! Are there any stinkers we missed, though, like Superman 64 or Majestic Beard Adventure? Let us know in the comments, and we’ll make sure to ignore them! We’re too busy recovering from those terrible games to do any reading for a while.