It’s “Fabricated News,” by jingo! Here with another installment about the new videogames this week! Just because we haven’t heard of these games before doesn’t mean we can’t review them, right?
- The biggest release is Kingdom Hearts: Birth by Sleep for the PSP, part of the popular Kingdom Hearts series where you play as various Disney and Final Fantasy characters. Clearly, the Disney character in this game is Sleeping Beauty, who is apparently giving birth and…ugh, I don’t even want to think about what that title refers to. Next!
- The next-biggest release this week is probably Mass Effect 2 DLC: Lair of the Shadow Broker. I’m told it is about a girl named Liara, who likes to go to Mass every Sunday, so she can pray for Effective DLC. Eventually, she goes to see a stock broker, who has been hiding in the shadows ever since the economy died, and he helps her purchase a new name. It’s a happy ending for everyone!
- There’s Amnesia: The Dark Descent, a game about ex-sailor Bathless Groggins, who gets amnesia while going down a slide at the local park. Wacky hijinks follow as his Scottish friend Haggis McBagpipe convinces him that he’s the President of the United States. It’s a good premise for a fun family game, but sadly, the brightness setting for this game has been turned way too low, so you can barely see anything at all.
- We also have Kung Fu Rider, a game which does not star Ook and Gluk, the Kung Fu Cavemen from the Future. Instead, it features bad PlayStation Move controls, and wait, what?? A PlayStation Move game?
- The PlayStation Move has apparently been released when we weren’t looking. This is astonishing news, considering that Wikipedia says the PlayStation Move won’t be released until next week, and…no, wait. Forget that. The PlayStation Move has not been released yet. It’s just that the Kung Fu Rider people decided to release their PlayStation Move game before the PlayStation Move has been released. So…they’re releasing a game for a system that doesn’t exist yet. Something tells me this might not be the best idea ever.
- Speaking of PSM games, we also have Sports Champions being released this week. It’s a game where you can use the brand-new motion controllers to play a bunch of sports like archery, table tennis, and, um, that sounds just like Wii Sports Resort, which I’m sure is a comparison that no one else in the history of the world has ever made before. This game has a few new motion-sensor sports, though like bocce ball, which is a sport now, even though it requires about as much physical activity as turning on your TV does.
Yep, the controllers still look like lollipops. Just double-checking.
- Another game is Dragon Age: Origins DLC: Witch Hunt. The tagline says that you “confront Morrigan in this dramatic conclusion to the Origins storyline.” Clearly, Morrigan has stolen our hero’s sandwich or something like that, and he needs some confronting. As the DLC goes on, it becomes apparent that what Morrigan really needs is some comforting, and he ends up dating a witch named Morgan Morgin. The two of them get married in San Francisco, because practically anyone can get married there nowadays.
- Finally, there’s Recettear, Aion: Assault on Balaurea and Otomedius Excellent, none of which can be successfully pronounced.
And that’s it for this week, by jingo! Stay tuned for next time, when we have an exclusive interview with Shigeru Miyamoto! Unless our head reporter finds a quarter this week, thereby doubling his annual paycheck. In that case, we probably won’t have any more reports for you.