Over 8 million people purchased Halo 3. Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas sold a whopping 12 million. And Nintendo can’t defecate out Pokémon and “Wii Insert Random Thing To Do Here” games fast enough to completely satisfy the masses. But with all these amazing successes, there have been numerous games and even complete series that have fallen to the wayside. Remember: for every Super Mario Bros., there’s a Shutokou Battle 2: Drift King Keichii Tsuchiya & Masaaki Bandoh. As a proud gamer, I feel that it is my privilege—nay, my duty—to take some time and offer a brief glimpse at many of the games that disappeared into bargain bins and trash bins alike due to overshadowing from more prominent titles, as well as titles that will forever remain sequestered within one region of the world. You’d better be prepared to be educated a little, because there is much that you haven’t seen.

NOVEMBER 2010: Rhyme Rider Kerorican

WELL, WELL, ANOTHER EDITION OF “GAMERA OBSCURA.” I FIGURED THIS WOULD GET BURIED UNDER ALL THOSE ARTICLES ABOUT THE GAMECOLA WEDDING.

Yeah, that was pretty ridiculous. But it’s time to focus on what GameCola is REALLY about!

…UH, WHAT EXACTLY IS GAMECOLA ABOUT?

Well, nowadays, mostly Xbox Live Indie Games.

WHAT? THAT’S AWFUL. GAMECOLA HAS LOST ITS EDGE. IT’S TIME FOR US TO SET THESE PEOPLE STRAIGHT WITH A KICK-ASS GAME. GIVE US AN OBSCURE TITLE THAT…UH…KICKS THE AFOREMENTIONED ASS.

Indeed. GameCola needs an edge, not EarthBound characters on a cake. It’s time for the awesomeness that is…*drum roll* Rhyme Rider Kerorican!!!

SWELL, BECAUSE ALL WE’VE DONE IS BADMOUTH GAMECOLA AND ITS NEWLY WEDDED MEMBERS. THIS ARTICLE IS SURE TO GET A 1-STAR RATING. NOT THAT IT DOESN’T DESERVE IT, MIND YOU…

Yeah. Anyway, Rhyme Rider Kerorican is a game of the musical genre. Not something I would normally play, but when you’re forced to dive into the abyss of the unknown, you have to take some pretty big risks (and that includes playing music-based video games). You play as Kerorican, the great feminist astronaut who can only shuffle down the street to a hot beat. The astronaut motif really doesn’t play a major role; you won’t see her hanging around the Hubble Space Telescope. In the game’s measly four levels, you are expected to walk her down the street, hopping over or swerving away from oncoming enemies and other troublesome items that strangers have left in your way. Everything you successfully avoid (or just fall face-first into, as the case may likely be) affects the music being played in the background.

SO…THIS MUST BE A WICKED GAME, RIGHT?

Uh…oh, wait, was I supposed to discuss a GOOD game? I suppose I have failed you. This game is hardly what I would define as “good,” or even “acceptable.” You really have to get your button timing just right, and far more often than not, you fail. Getting button combinations right is like receiving a lap dance from Scarlett Johannson: never going to happen to me. The tunage is decent, but when the core gameplay is flawed, you might as well put it down and go read in the bathroom.

A SWELL PASTIME. BUT YOU LET ME DOWN YET AGAIN, AS WELL AS ALL THE FINE TENS OF GAMECOLA READERS. I TAKE IT YOU WON’T BE RECOMMENDING THAT A PERSON SHOULD IMPORT THIS GAME, CORRECT?

Right. Y’know, I think I’m proving through the “Gamera Obscura” articles that there is a logical reason why so many games fail to be localized elsewhere: they just suck! Plus I will instead recommend that readers wait and try out Shmusicup, the upcoming space-shooter where the bullet patterns reflect the intensity of the MP3 file you are playing. THAT sounds awesome.

ANYTHING ELSE TO SAY?

Teddy honk.           …does anyone remember that?!? Ugh… I need a vacation…