The GameCola Interview: Abraham Lincoln

Longtime GameCola fans will remember “The GameCola Interview“, a column where we interviewed various videogame personalities. We thought it would be great for GameCola’s ratings if we brought back this column. The first installment? Staff writer Matt Jonas interviews his brother about the latest Sonic the Hedgehog game. We call it “The Jonas Brothers Talk Videogames”, get lots of new readers, and retire happily.

Well, that plan didn’t work out so well, because Matt’s brother turned us down.

Next, we tried interviewing President Barack Obama, but he turned us down, too. How are we supposed to write an interview column if everyone turns us down?

Finally, we found one person who didn’t turn us down: the AIM sim of Abraham Lincoln. Sure, it’s just a computer designed to sound like Abraham Lincoln, but it’s good enough for us! And so, we sent Michael Gray to interview Abe about the Nancy Drew videogame series.

Abraham Lincoln: Hello my friend and how are you this fine day?
Michael: I am doing well, Mr. Lincoln. Thank you very much for agreeing to speak with me.
Abraham Lincoln: I am buried in “Lincoln’s Tomb” in Oak Ridge Cemetery, Springfield, Illinois. It is the final resting place for me, my wife (Mary Todd Lincoln), and three of our four sons. The monument is owned and administered by the State of Illinois as Lincoln Tomb State Historic Site. you are welcome.
Michael: First off, I think the people here want to know one thing: What is your favorite Nancy Drew game?
Abraham Lincoln: My favorite Nancy Drew game is the best thing since the invention of the electric kettle. Does that surprise you?
Michael: I’m not surprised, but could you be more specific?
Abraham Lincoln: I certainly hope I don’t bore you. Tell me about your day.
Michael: I’m the one asking the questions here, Abe. Now please, can you tell us what your favorite game in the Nancy Drew series is?
Abraham Lincoln: You are indeed! You’ll meet people who say you aren’t, but don’t let them intimidate you. Stand up to them and they’ll run away.
Michael: ……
Abraham Lincoln:

Michael: Do you like The Curse of Blackmoor Manor?
Abraham Lincoln: I don’t know if I like The Curse of Blackmoor Manor. What about you?
Michael: I like it a lot.
Abraham Lincoln: Obama is a gifted and inspirational figure. I have confidence that positive changes will come from his administration.
Michael: What did you think of the newest game, Shadow at the Water’s Edge? It’s pretty scary, right?
Abraham Lincoln: According to my laptop, I thought of a high mountain with a ruined castle on the top. But is it not likely that there’s a bug in the computer?
Michael: So…you didn’t get to play Shadow at the Water’s Edge?
Abraham Lincoln: Good. I was enjoying the play, at least the first act.
Michael: But you were disappointed by the ending?
Abraham Lincoln: I was enjoying the play, at least the first act
Michael: play
Abraham Lincoln: I was enjoying the play, at least the first act.
Michael: Okay, let’s talk about the opposite topic. What do you think the WORST game in the Nancy Drew series is?
Abraham Lincoln: Search me. You should hire a private detective to find out what does me.
Michael: But..Nancy Drew IS a detective, Abe!
Abraham Lincoln: But what? Fancy that, mine too.
Michael: What do you think about Bess and George?
Abraham Lincoln: I’m afraid I don’t know what my opinion of Bess and George is, but I’ll find out.
Michael: What do you think about Nancy’s boyfriend, Ned Nickerson?
Abraham Lincoln: I am uniquely able to understand the pressures of the presidency. I respect his public service, that he is a man of strong convictions and that he seems devoted to his family. Clearly, mistakes have been made. That is not a personal judgement but a fact based upon the economic downturn, national security issues and his low approval ratings nationwide. However, I don’t judge him, I’m sure he has done what he felt was in the best interests of the country. Furthermore, I don’t know him personally, so I cannot say if I like him or not.
Michael: But Ned isn’t the President!
Abraham Lincoln: I was the first President to be photographed. Ominously, John Wilkes Booth can be seen standing close to me in the picture.
Michael: Well, that’s almost all the time we have for today. Is there anything you’d like to say to our readers?
Abraham Lincoln: Many have suggested that my mother was born out of wedlock. The common consensus among historians today is that my mother’s parents were very likely not married at the time of her birth. My formal education consisted of about 18 months of schooling, but I was largely self-educated and an avid reader. I was also a talented local wrestler and skilled with an axe. I avoided hunting and fishing because I did not like killing animals, even for food. At 6 foot 4 inches (1.93m), I was unusually tall, as well as strong.
Michael: Thank you very much, Mr. President.
Abraham Lincoln: hello Citizen.

Thus ends the GameCola Interview with Abraham Lincoln. He says Nancy Drew is the best thing since the invention of the electric kettle, thinks Ned Nickerson is the President, and he ends conversations with “hello”. Clearly, he was a  great President. Will he go on to co-write an edition of “Digital Championship Wrestling”, just like AIM chatbot SmarterChild did? Only time will tell.

[Article adapted from a post on Michael’s blog.]