So you’ve already read Parts One and Two of Vangie’s guide on how to get into Dungeons & Dragons—now what? The obvious next step is to purchase a perfume that will make you smell just like your fantasy character. Fortunately, thanks to Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab, this is actually possible, as they’ve seriously released a line of perfumes based on RPG races, classes, and even alignments. Want to know what “evil” smells like? Check out the list below of scents that they now offer.
[Note that these are things that also appear in videogames, so this is totes videogame-related. Plus, admit it—we’re all pretty smelly.]
• DWARF — Iron filings and chips of stone, Styrian Golding hops, and soot-covered leather.
• ELF — Pale golden musk, honeycomb, amber, parma violet, hawthorne bark, aspen leaf, forest lily, life everlasting, white moss, and a hint of wild berry.
• HALF-ELF — White sandalwood, beeswax, white tea leaf, oud, and a hint of sophisticated urban musk.
• HALFLING — Porridge, kukui nuts, and pastry crumbs.
• ORC — Field grey courgette musk, roughly cured leather, and vetiver.
• CLERIC — Rose amber, frankincense, myrrh, champaca flower, Peru balsam, cistus, palisander, cananga, hyssop, and narcissus absolute.
• FIGHTER — Leather, musk, blood, and steel.
• MAGE — All mystique and thrumming power: gurjum balsam, Sumatran dragon’s blood resin, olibanum, galangal, oleo gum resin, and frankincense.
• PALADIN — Immaculate white musk, sweet frankincense, bourbon vanilla, white leather, and shining armor.
• RANGER — Untamed wilderness: buckskin accord with Terebinth pine, Russian birch, black ironwood, elder bark, hay, armoise, juniper, patchouli, galangal root, Spanish moss, and cabreuva.
• ROGUE — Soft, well-worn black leather, hemp, and rosin.
• NEUTRAL — A flawless skin musk.
• LAWFUL — Rigid oak, blue chamomile, rhubarb, and fig leaf.
• CHAOTIC — A whirling mélange of multicolored musks with wasabi, rooibos, heliotrope, and mastic.
• GOOD — Shimmering celestial musk with vanilla, white honey, acacia, and sugar cane.
• EVIL — Smouldering opium tar, tobacco absolute, green tea, black plum, kush, ambergris accord, ambrette seed, and costus root.
Amazingly, this is not the first time that Black Phoenix has tried to cover the horrid stench of unwashed nerds; you can also buy perfumes based on steampunk, friggin’ Cthulhu, and the collected works of Neil Gaiman. I’m speechless. (But thankfully not scentless, at least not anymore.)