Over 8 million people purchased Halo 3. Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas sold a whopping 12 million. And Nintendo can’t defecate out Pokémon and “Wii Insert Random Thing To Do Here” games fast enough to completely satisfy the masses. But with all these amazing successes, there have been numerous games and even complete series that have fallen to the wayside. Remember: for every Super Mario Bros., there’s a Shutokou Battle 2: Drift King Keichii Tsuchiya & Masaaki Bandoh. As a proud gamer, I feel that it is my privilege—nay, my duty—to take some time and offer a brief glimpse at many of the games that disappeared into bargain bins and trash bins alike due to overshadowing from more prominent titles, as well as titles that will forever remain sequestered within one region of the world. You’d better be prepared to be educated a little, because there is much that you haven’t seen.
October 2011: Lamers
IT’S OCTOBER. I IMAGINE YOU FOUND SOMETHING HALLOWEEN-RELATED FOR THE OCCASION.
Mmmm, no, not really.
WHAT? A NON-THEMED OCTOBER “GAMERA OBSCURA” ARTICLE? THAT DOESN’T SOUND LIKE YOU! YOU’RE LOSING YOUR EDGE, BOY.
I suppose you’re right. Maybe I shouldn’t be involved in “Gamera Obscura” anymore.
FINALLY, YOU’VE SEEN THE LIGHT! THIS ARTICLE WILL ONLY BE READ BY ABOUT THREE PEOPLE, AND ENJOYED BY FEWER. GAMECOLA FANS JUST DON’T WANT TO READ ABOUT SOME STUPID OFF-THE-MAP GAME THAT THEY’LL NEVER PLAY BECAUSE THEY’RE TOO BUSY ENJOYING GOODIES LIKE HALO, CALL OF DUTY, AND TRY NOT TO FART. YOU’VE GOT TO REALIZE THAT THIS ARTICLE ISN’T ALL THAT INFORMATIVE… IT’S…IT’S JUST LAME!
Lame?! Whoa, I know that it’s not every GameCola fan’s favourite article, but it is certainly NOT lame! It is an informative piece, arriving every month to teach these fine but uneducated folks exactly what they’ve been missing out on while playing those mainstream buggeries! People like this column—they do!
THEN THOSE PEOPLE MUST BE LAMERS.
YEAH, FRICKIN’ LAMERS.
Lamers, you say…hmmm…
OH, I HATE IT WHEN YOU HAVE THAT TONE. IT CAN ONLY MEAN ONE THING: I’VE REMINDED YOU OF A GAME, HAVEN’T I?
Indeed! I’d like to present Lamers for the PC as this month’s obscure game!
CRAP. ALL RIGHT, LAY IT ON ME. I DON’T FEEL LIKE GETTING UP AND FLEEING THE VILLAGE AT THE MOMENT.
Great! Well, let’s see… Lamers was a game released in July 1992 for the PC by the Norwegian-based Cocktail Software. Did they make anything else of major note? I…don’t think so. Perhaps Lamers was indeed their biggest accomplishment, thus making THEM lamers. Lamers is essentially a parody of Lemmings, a much more popular game, putting developer Psygnosis on the map before they took themselves off it with subsequently terrible offerings. Instead of helping a series of lemmings make their way to an exit without succumbing to various unfriendly perils, you are ordered to take care of human beings (the lamers), who actually seem able to take perfect care of themselves without your godly intervention.
THAT SURE TAKES THE CHALLENGE OUT OF THE GAME.
Almost. Your duty is to kill them instead.
Yup. In each level, you are given a limited number of ways to kill them: a specified amount of bombs, gunshots, land mines, and machine gun rounds. With those at your disposal, you have to kill a certain number of lamers to pass to the next level. And that’s pretty much the whole thing. The music and graphics are pretty awful (even for 1992), but the sound effects for getting shot are nice to listen to. Yeah, I’m that kind of person. The game has some unusual passwords, too—typing in “IRAQBAGHDAD” takes you to a level featuring a photo of Saddam Hussein, and “AQUAFRESH” takes you to toothpaste. I remember that toothpaste. I miss the three colours…
IT ALL SOUNDS LIKE AN IMPRESSIVE PIECE OF CRAP, BUT IS IT WORTH HUNTING DOWN?
Nah. I’m sure there are better Norwegian games out there…I think…maybe…is there a game based on Björk?
…WELL, THERE YOU GO. ANOTHER MONTH FEATURING A TERRIBLE GAME. WAS IT ALL WORTH IT?
To educate the world about experiences they ought to avoid, yes. And to help a poor waif avoid being a lamer, it’s definitely been worth it.