Over 8 million people purchased Halo 3. Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas sold a whopping 12 million. And Nintendo can’t defecate out Pokémon and “Wii Insert Random Thing To Do Here” games fast enough to completely satisfy the masses. But with all these amazing successes, there have been numerous games and even complete series that have fallen to the wayside. Remember: for every Super Mario Bros., there’s a Shutokou Battle 2: Drift King Keichii Tsuchiya & Masaaki Bandoh. As a proud gamer, I feel that it is my privilege—nay, my duty—to take some time and offer a brief glimpse at many of the games that disappeared into bargain bins and trash bins alike due to overshadowing from more prominent titles, as well as titles that will forever remain sequestered within one region of the world. You’d better be prepared to be educated a little, because there is much that you haven’t seen.

December 2011:
Make My Video: Kris Kross

Happy holidays, Irritable Ominous Unseen Voice!

HAPPY HOLI–WAIT, WHAT AM I DOING? FORGET THE POLITICALLY CORRECT NONSENSE: JUST SAY “MERRY CHRISTMAS” AND BE DONE WITH IT.

Sorry, but I, unlike yourself, must be mindful of such things. After all, some GameCola readers may not even celebrate Christmas.

GAMECOLA READERS COULDN’T CARE LESS. THEY’RE PRACTICALLY BRAINDEAD ALREADY. WHO ELSE WOULD SUPPORT A THIRD FREAKIN’ WEDDING ARTICLE? THIS SITE ISN’T EVEN ABOUT MARRIAGE! BUNCHA IDIOTS.

Heh, you may be right about the overkill on the weddings here. I did notice that they want us to star in the next one.

WHAT?! I’M NOT INTO THAT WHOLE NUPTIAL MALARKEY! I WOULDN’T MARRY YOU IF YOU WERE THE LAST HANDSOME GAMECOLA WRITER ON EARTH. WELL, ACTUALLY, I GUESS YOU ARE…BUT I STILL WOULDN’T DO IT!

Oh, you. I have to agree, though. Can you imagine a more mismatched pair than us?

YOU BET. KRIS KROSS.

Kris Kross? You mean that pair of rappers from the ’90s?

YEAH, THOSE LITTLE BRATS WHOSE VOICES DIDN’T CRACK UNTIL THE THIRD ALBUM. I THINK YOU COULD HEAR THEM ENTER PUBERTY RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF ONE OF THE SONGS.

And you think that’s a seriously mismatched pair?

I WOULDN’T WANT TO SEE THEIR WEDDING PHOTOS ON GAMECOLA. ALTHOUGH I’M SURE THAT FRANZEN GUY’S PROBABLY GOT THEM IN A BOX IN HIS BASEMENT.

You might not want to do that, but it might be fun to make one of their music videos.

NO. NO, IT WOULDN’T.

Oh yes, it would! And we can make it happen, thanks to Make My Video: Kris Kross on the Sega CD!

SO THAT’S OUR GAME OF THE MONTH? WAIT A MINUTE—THAT’S NOT OBSCURE! I’VE HEARD OF MAKE MY VIDEO ALREADY.

OK, so…this month, it’s not going to be a game that wasn’t noticed. It’s a game that should have been obscure in the first place.

ALL RIGHT, GO ON. LET ME JUST POUR SOME VODKA INTO THIS EGG NOG.

There were three Make My Video games developed in 1992 for the Sega CD system, all of which flopped miserably. Aside from this version, there was also an edition featuring INXS, and another with Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch. They all involve using actual parts of the original music videos, plus weird bonus stock footage from the 1930s, and mixing them together with a semi-complicated interface into a supposedly watchable presentation over top of several popular tracks from the time. Filters can also be added to change the look of your video, either for the entire duration or at specific times. To be honest, it’s a pretty awful game, if you can even call it that.

But the worst part of Make My Video: Kris Kross isn’t actually Kris Kross. It’s the crap before that. Take the MC, this dumbass Boyd Parker guy (who is described by the announcer as the “Pack Man who ain’t no Whack Man”). He thinks he’s the flyest radio disc jockey in the universe, and he seems to love pissing all over anyone who calls in and isn’t his definition of cool. Anyone who’s white or under the age of 18 just isn’t his cup of tea. But then again, the callers are lame idiots who are only trying to listen to Kris Kross for street cred. Not that they’re going to get any that way. And of course, it’s the Sega CD, so you DO get some full-motion video out of this, but boy, it is seriously grainy. Ugh.

And the music? Well, it’s kids rapping. It’s the ’90s mainstream equivalent of Justin Bieber, twenty years ago. You do the math.

SO IT’S NOT GOOD?

No. Don’t bother with it. Get decent Sega CD games like Sonic CD or Shining Force CD. Anything but the Make My Video series. So…happy holidays to all you GameCola readers out there. We’ll see you next year.

YEAH…BUT STOP READING THOSE WEDDING POSTS, THOUGH. SERIOUSLY. DID YOU FOLKS GET KICKED BY A DONKEY OR SOMETHING?