• Oh, the Humanity!: Super Mario Bros.

    About ten years ago, someone got the bright idea to make a movie based on the Super Mario Brothers video games. The only problem was that the games make no damn sense. Seriously, as awesome a game as it is, there really isn’t much more to it than running through the sewer and stomping on oversized turtles. Well, there’s also the part about eating mushrooms and saving a princess, but I’m entirely certain that that part of the game is real. Every time I eat mushrooms I end up believing that I’m on a quest to save some princess, only to find out that I had spent the last hour trying to smash turtles at the local pet store. Which, by the way, has a shithead for a manager who called the cops after I had already said that I was leaving.

  • Oh, the Humanity!: House of the Dead

    House of the Dead is based (barely) on Sega's successful trilogy of light gun shooter games. In the interest of full disclosure, I'll mention that I've only played House of the Dead in the arcade a few times, and I don't really remember much about them. According to my three minutes of internet research, House of the Dead: the movie is supposed to be a sort of prequel to the games, leaving the film-makers with very little obligation for faithfulness towards the game's plot lines.

  • Oh, the Humanity!: Street Fighter: The Movie

    As most of you already know, the Street Fighter movie is based on the Street Fighter 2 series (as opposed to the significantly shittier Street Fighter game). The thing is, in the game, fighters from all over the world have entered a competition held by M. Bison to see who the greatest fighter is, with each fighter having their own agenda other than winning some trophy. The makers of the movie took a few creative liberties, scrapping the whole tournament idea, and instead making it about a small war-torn nation that, in the dictatorial iron grip of M. Bison, has become the site of an international incident.

  • Oh, the Humanity!: Double Dragon

    It's the distant future of 2007! Cars run on trash, and mohawked-marauders roam the streets after curfew. Also, in the future George Hamilton and Vanna White are news anchors, and Andy Dick is a meteorologist. The movie never really explains why earthquakes have caused these celebrities to pursue careers in broadcast journalism, but whatever.