So, me and newcomer Nathaniel Hoover, the poorest Meteo Xavier clone I’ve ever seen (though, in his defense, not the poorest I’ve ever created) are splitting the un-reviewed Mega Man games between two pathetic individuals trying to write entertaining, thought-provoking, and genuinely laugh out loud material as we prod every coded line of these classic games and fail faster than Steve Jobs’ health.
Blame the economy. You know what I’ve been doing to get by? I’m writing paranormal EROTICA and eating the food that fell on my kitchen floor. I’m scrounging, too. I can’t even beg my parents for money because I fucking killed them back in 2003 (for the life insurance money—see “irony”). So my dream of mating sea turtles just to finally satisfy a sexual craving that started in preschool will have to wait another 15 years.
Luckily, I’m the kind of man who always has a silver lining in every piece of shit he produces (pictures upon request), so at least I get to revisit the Mega Man game I started with….
…oh fuck, Nathaniel took it.
Well, anyway, Mega Man 3′s pretty good, too. Hell, it’s the best Mega Man game I’ve ever played. Every time I think about Mega Man, I always visualize this game. Good memories. Beating the most useless Top Man for the first time without cheats. Beating Gemini Man’s stage without looking at the screen; man, that used to freak my brothers out (and my parents…lead to some doctor screenings). And the one part that took me years to figure out how to get through. Good times.
So when I fire it up today, are those old memories still justified?
You bet your ass.
Graphics we don’t care much about—they’re the same damn graphics every 8-bit Mega Man worth its weight in soiled condom jelly should have. Just now they’re much sharper and set the precedent for the way the games would look and act FOREVER. The controls are pretty precise, too. No big notes there, although you finally get the omni useful slide thing now. The soundtrack is legendary, but you already know that; you’re whistling either the title theme or Shadow Man right now just thinking about it.
Frankly, it gets boring trying to talk to you about a game you’ve played more than I have. It’s a fucking classic and that’s all that needs to be said. Not much of a review then, is it? Still, I guess I do need to remind you that this Mega Man game did what no other classic Mega Man game (to my immediate knowledge, as there are some Game Boy Mega Mans I haven’t played) by adding four new levels and four surprise bosses. It’s such a great twist I’m surprised they haven’t raped the shit out of it at the Number 6 dance later on that night.
Lord, I do love this game. It has the best level designs of any Mega Man game ever. Tops, magnets, industrial traps, needles, space bubbles or something, umm…I really don’t know what Shadow Man’s stage is supposed to be, but I fucking love it, and if you’ve never played this game, you will, too.