Formal Warning to Dr. Albert Wily

Dear Dr. Albert Wily,

The Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) has completed its assessment of your company’s place of business at 1 Skull Castle Way. We regret to inform you that your workplace conditions have been deemed “distressingly unsatisfactory” for the following reasons:

The entrance to your facility is not handicap-accessible. The lack of a handicap-accessible ramp is normally an indication of careless planning, but in the case of your facility, the series of tall walls and ladders separated by large gaps suggests a personal grudge against the handicapped.

Handrails are required at the edge of any raised surface where there is a serious danger of falling. Seven auditors were lost during the inspection of your facility.

Many of your floors and primary walkways are covered in jagged debris. Though the debris is neatly organized in rows, this constitutes a safety hazard, not art.

One room of your facility is filled with defensive wall turrets protected by nearly indestructible barriers. While this is not a violation, it’s still obnoxiously frustrating.

Amendment: Your wall turrets are in violation of regulations. A seizure warning must be prominently displayed on any and all machinery likely to explode in flashing white light.

Holographic image generators, even ones that project a simple starfield, are scientifically proven to be disorienting. An “off” switch must be visible and easily accessible at all times.

Per government mandate, the destination of all teleportation devices must be clearly labeled. Allowing an air-breathing auditor to teleport into a large tank of water unprepared is beyond irresponsible.

Lastly, there are no handicapped parking spaces anywhere on the premises.

This is your first and only warning. As a consequence of these violations, all operations at your facility are to cease until your building has been brought up to code. Failure to comply will result in disappointingly inadequate fines and imprisonment no more than four sequels from now.

Scornful regards,

The Occupational Health and Safety Administration (OSHA)