Many other magazines, online or paper, boast advice columns like this one. However, what other magazines can promise a video-game-related-dilemma every single month? None, I tell you. Without further adieu, GameCola is proud to present Jenna Ogilvie with “Advice for the Sensitive Gamer”…
I have a problem. I am 12 years old and I think the Princess Toadstool is very cute. And hot. When I go to bed I have dreams with her in them… minus her dress. Sometimes I wake up stuck to my bed sheets. I told my daddy and he shook his head and looked away. Am I retarded? Do I need help? Please lead me in the correct direction.
Princess Problems Preferably
Congratulations! At the ripe old age of 12, you’re finally realizing your gaming potential. No, you’re not retarded, and you’re only going to need help washing your sheets until you get this… outburst of hormones under control. No, my friend, this “problem” you’re having is nothing more than your gaming potential presenting itself. “What could you possibly mean, Jenna?”, you must be thinking. “What could my wet dreams about the Princess and Yoshi en flagrante delecto possibly have to do with my potential to succeed at life?!” One word, my friend. WANG
Being a girl myself, I have no personal experience with this natural phenomena, but I have spent enough hours around literal disciples of this theory to pick up a few main points.
1. To be good at gaming, one must possess a large amount of this half-physical, half-mental substantiation known as “wang”.
2. Ergo, no girl could ever possibly be as good at gaming as a boy. (Whatever.)
3. Want can manifest itself in a number of ways — sexual repression, uncontrollable humping/nudity, large scale brawls at all times and in all places, or, the most common — an inhuman proficiency at all things video game.
So, my friend, you have nothing to worry about. This is simply your body’s way of telling you it needs more video games — or some KY Jelly. Enjoy!