Chapter Seventeen:
The Gates of Life: The Musical
Generic: Where are we noooow?
Rivers: Is that a coooow?
Render: What should we doooo?
Enrique: Let’s just say moooo!
Narrator Two: That’s right my friends, the gates have fated
That this particular issue be music related.
Narrator: All rules aside, all sense beware.
If you get confused, well we just don’t care!
Narrator Two: This installment begins where the other left,
But you may find that details are somewhat bereft.
Narrator: Again I declare.
We just do not care.
Loosen up, you’ll give yourself a heart attack. Jack.
Narrator Two: Now don’t be mean.
Let’s just set the scene.
Narrator: Barin and his gang caught up with Captain Thomas “7-Eye” Render VI of Trelenodora and his crew somehow.
I don’t know, but it just happened; wow.
Also, Apul got his voice back for this episode.
Argue with me here and I’ll call you a toad.
Narrator Two: As is the way of musicals that don’t like being wrong,
They confronted Captain Thomas “7-Eye” Render VI of Trelenodora and Crew with a song.
Meet the Shadow Stalkers
Barin
I think we are all in agreement.
Najen
This story has gone way too far.
Dugo
It was supposed to be a serious drama.
Apul
Can you tell me which way to the bar?
Barin
We will not stand for this any longer
Najen
On our souls you have left a large scar
Dugo
We’ll stand together and defeat you.
Apul
Can you tell me which way to the bar?
Barin
Under a new flag we begin our crusade
Najen
A new name you could not hope to mar
Dugo
We now call out selves the “Shadow Stalkers!”
Apul
Can you tell me which way to the bar?
Barin
I was supposed to be the hero of the story.
What in God’s name ever happened to that?
I was going to have love scenes with Najen,
But the author has just left me flat.
Najen
We got turned into some sort of kitten,
By some traitorous psychopath’s balls.
Someone was a tree and there’s a curse on me,
And the author’s plot most certainly appalls.
Dugo
I’m supposed to be the greatest swordsman ever,
But now I’m not even in the top three.
I swing and I slash and I stab and I gash,
But all my opponents are still better than me. (And the author sucks.)
Apul
Can you tell me which way to the bar?
Can you tell me which way to the bar?
I’m sober and I really, really hate this.
Can you tell me which way to the bar?
Barin
I’ll bet you fools aren’t even listening to us.
Najen
That will surely be your undoing.
Dugo
We will be taken seriously, no matter the cost.
Apul
*Hic* An.. bar… mooing…
Narrator: Captain Thomas “7-Eye” Render VI of Trelenodora would not be taken aback.
He returned their song with another song that would give a weaker man a heart attack.
Captain Thomas “7-Eye” Render You Asunder
Render
You mess
With the wrong guy.
You step up,
When what you should do is die.
Now it’s too late
You’ll get no mercy from me
Beg all you want
Just don’t expect some pity.
I’m gonna Captain Thomas “7-Eye” Render you asunder.
You should pray to the gods to forgive such a blunder.
You had some time to get out,
But you’re such a dumb lout
That you just sit around and wait
For the metaphorical rout.
I’m gonna Captain Thomas “7-Eye” Render you asunder
I won’t even try to quit until you’re 6 feet under.
I will take all of you on,
And Render your crusade gone.
I won’t even have to make use
Of the old “brains over brawn”
I’m gonna Captain Thomas “7-Eye” Render you asunder
Whether I’ll kick your ass, there’s no need to wonder.
I’ve had enough of your crap
And I don’t mean to snap,
But you’re driving me crazy
And I just want to take a nap.
I’m gonna Captain Thomas “7-Eye” Render you asunder.
You may be a dreg but you’re much less useful than dunder.
I’m gonna Captain Thomas “7-Eye” Render you asunder.
You should pray to the gods to forgive such a blunder.
I’m gonna Captain Thomas “7-Eye” Render you asunder.
I won’t even try to quit until you’re 6 feet under.
I’m gonna Captain Thomas “7-Eye” Render you asunder.
Whether I’ll kick your ass, there’s no need to wonder.
I’m gonna Captain Thomas “7-Eye” Render you asunder.
I’m gonna Captain Thomas “7-Eye” Render you asunder…
Narrator Two: The Shadow Stalkers cowered in fear, as rightly they should,
And another group seized this opportunity simply because they could.
Narrator: Strange Creature, Large Stone Wall, and Generic felt that they have not been properly represented,
No one could really blame them, and the author understood why he was resented.
So all listened closely to this new group’s rhymes,
To learn more about them and stay with the times.
The Dregs of The Gates of Life
Strange Creature
We are the dregs of the Gates of Life.
Generic
No doubt!
Strange Creature
We are the dregs of the Gates of Life.
Generic
Yo. Yo.
Strange Creature
Lemme introduce my posse
Startin’ off from the biggest,
My home dawg’s made of rock
But he’s still a master jig-est.
Large Stone Wall
Myyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-
Strange Creature
Don’t mean to cut you off bro,
But you’re too slow.
You’s cuttin’ off my flow,
And that means you got to go.
Next up on the list
Is a guy who get my gist,
And acts as a catalyst
For my inner synthesist.
Generic
My names Generic, G.
Some fool created me
But he’s too lazy
For a description, see?
And that’s there story
Explains the fury
Welled up inside me.
Strange Creature
I’m the final dreg here
And I’ll kick you in the rear
Or fill up your soul with fear
If at me you throw a jeer.
Generic
He means it, Jim,
Don’t mess with him!
The last dude who stepped up is now missin’ a limb.
Strange Creature
And now you got the scoop
On all three members of the group.
Before I fly the coop
I got a verse I need to dupe.
We are the dregs of the Gates of Life.
Generic
No doubt!
Strange Creature
We are the dregs of the Gates of Life.
Generic
Yo. Yo.
Strange Creature
We are the dregs of the Gates of Life.
Generic
No doubt!
Strange Creature
We are the dregs of the Gates of Life.
Large Stone Wall
Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooord.
Narrator Two: This song struck a cord
With all those who’re bored.
Another group decided to try their hand and getting their message out via song.
We Know What We‘re Doing
n00b
I’m so tired, tired, tired of all you arrogant fools.
You think you’re so cool, but you’re a bunch of tools.
Tryn
I’m still hoping, hoping, hoping that I’ll get some respect.
I won’t just sit down and be happy as the comic reject.
n00b & Tryn
We know what we’re doing, damn it.
Take us seriously!
We’re not waxing pathetic, damn it.
Take us seriously!
n00b
I’m a vampire, a blood sucker. Immortal!
Tryn
How cool is that? It warrants a chortle!
n00b & Tryn
We know what we’re doing, damn it.
Take us seriously!
We’ll omnislash your face off, damn it.
Take us seriously!
n00b
I was created by Enrique, I’m at least as cool as he is!
Tryn
No way man, Enrique is amazing.
n00b & Tryn
We know what we’re doing, damn it.
Take us seriously!
Don’t need to rhyme or stay in character, damn it.
Take us seriously!
n00b
I don’t think it’s working. What the hell.
Tryn
Let’s stop and think it over. We’ll rest a spell.
n00b
I don’t even like this song, why do I keep singing?
Tryn
It’s a musical, fool. But, yea, my ears are ringing.
n00b
So lets just end it here. What’s the point in going on?
Tryn
We should at least repeat the chorus. Bambi was a fawn.
n00b & Tryn
We know what we’re doing, damn it.
Take us seriously!
Rhythm and sense don’t own us, damn it.
Take us seriously!
Narrator Two: As if this wasn’t enough,
Another poet decided to show his stuff.
Narrator: A song from the past, written to a girl.
Liaunde is her name; this song makes me want to hurl.
Hey Girl
Jordan
All my life,
I’ve been lookin’ for a girl like you,
Ev-ry-day,
I’ve been hopin’ that my dream comes true.
Then one day,
I saw you there in sixth period,
(Your) Hair so brown,
Reminiscent of a puddle of mud.
To myself
I thought that this girl was so damn neat,
Wrote a note,
Right on the backa my home work sheet!
(And it said…)
Hey girl!
I think I‘m in love.
You musta been sent from above.
All the other girls got nothin’ on you,
They‘re all jealous of the things that you do.
The next day,
I walked passed you goin’ down the hall,
(You) Smelled so good
Like the inside of a bathroom stall.
I though then,
There’s no way this girl cannot be mine,
(Caught) Up with you,
In the middle of the school lunch line!
(And I said…)
Hey girl!
I think I‘m in love.
You musta been sent from above.
All the other girls got nothin‘ on you,
They‘re all jealous of the things that you do.
Hey girl!
You wanna go out?
Say “yes“ so I don‘t have to pout.
All the other girls got nothin‘ on you,
Please come over here and take off your shoe. (Do you like feet?)
You said yes,
When I asked you if you want to date,
During class,
Is your favorite time to fornicate.
You and I,
At last had our chance for unity,
I don’t mind,
That you’re constantly yellin’ at me!
(I still say…)
Hey girl!
I think I‘m in love.
You musta been sent from above.
All the other girls got nothin‘ on you,
They‘re all jealous of the things that you do.
Hey girl!
You‘re drivin‘ me wild.
Took my life to spicy from mild.
All the other girls got nothin‘ on you,
Your favorite book is “Horton Hears a Who.”
Hey girl!
I think I‘m in love.
You musta been sent from above.
All the other girls got nothin‘ on you,
They‘re all jealous of the things that you do.
Hey girl!
You wanna go out?
Say “yes“ so I don‘t have to pout.
All the other girls got nothin‘ on you,
Please come over here and take off your shoe. (No, seriously!)
Hey girl!
I think I‘m in love.
You musta been sent from above.
*fade out*
Narrator: I think we can all agree on one thing.
Emo sucks and it is insulting to call what those whiners do “sing.”
Emo Doesn‘t Suck
Rivers
Stop it you jerk,
Stop it right there,
What you’re saying about Emo
Just isn’t fair.
Try as I might,
This just isn’t right,
You insulted my bands,
Now we gotta fight.
Sure I’m your friend,
Been it for long,
But your anti-Emo speech:
Totally wrong.
‘Cause Emo doesn�t suck,
What the F- Heck.
I know that’s lame,
What can you do?
Unless you want the FCC
To put the hurt on you.
We can’t have that,
Not with this song,
This piece is radio quality,
And a wear a sarong.
To the subject,
Back we must go,
I reiterate Emo’s non-sucking,
You belligerent ho.
‘Cause Emo doesn’t suck,
What the F- God damnit.
Wait!
Can you say God?
Oh woe is me!
I think I just lost my chance
For celebrity!
The fact remains,
Despite your act,
Emo’s the greatest thing ever
And that’s a FACT
Talk ’bout too much
Repetition
I said the word “fact” twice
But it sure was fun!
And Emo doesn’t suck,
YOU suck.
Narrator Two: Well defended friend, but it seems we have gotten of topic.
By the way, the authors eyes are myopic.
Narrator: But wait, it seems someone else has something to say.
A minotaur singing? I never thought I’d see the day.
What’s a Minotaur To Do?
Jonathan
Don’t look so shocked,
Of course I can sing.
In times like these a minotaur must expand his talents.
My fate is locked,
It can’t be my thing,
To just continue running around goring people.
Wrestlers do it.
What the hell.
Goring is not just for minotaurs anymore.
So now I ask,
What do you expect me to do?
What’s a minotaur left to do but… siiiing.
What’s a minotaur to do?
What is a min-o-taur to doooo?
What’s a minotaur to do buuuut siiiiiiing.
So I sing of flower and trees and glorious things,
But then my past catches up with me�
I sing of gore,
And I sing of goring,
And I also am willing to bet no one reading these lyrics
Can figure out how the frig to sing this song.
You may think you have it
But yooou’d beeee wroooong!
That’s really okay.
In fact, I don’t care.
My minotaur nature forbids it.
But despite nature, or nurture, or any psychological thing
This minotaur is going to…
Continue to…
Siiiiiiiiiiing.
Narrator Two: Who hasn’t sung yet? Anyone?
Oh my goodness, it’s Enrique! The fun has begun!
Good Times
Enrique
Moo.
Moo-moo.
Moo.
Moo moo
BASTARD!
Moo.
Moo moo
BASTARD BASTARD ghey.
Moo.
Moo moo
BASTARD ghey haaaaaa.
Moo.
Moo moo
Notta notta sup?
Moo.
Moo moo
Good times.
Moo.
Moo moo
Good times.
Moo.
Moo moo
BASTARD BASTARD fun.
Moo.
Moo moo
Amazing fun.
Moo.
Moo moo
Uhhhhhhh
Moo.
Moo moo
Sup sup sup.
Moo.
Moo moo
Haaaaaaaaa!
Moo.
Moo moo
Good times.
Moo.
Moo moo
Good times.
Moo.
Moo moo
Sup notta notta.
Moo.
Moo moo
Ghey fun BASTARD.
Moo.
Moo moo
Amazing.
Moo.
Moo moo
Sup notta fun.
Moo.
Moo moo
Totally.
Moo.
Moo moo
Good times.
Moo.
Moo moo
Good times.
Moo.
Moo moo
Adios.
Narrator: It seems all of the fun and games had Barin fumin’
He started stomping and shouting with his voice a’boomin’
The ruination of his vision is too much for him to bear.
And even worse is the fact that this new world seems so unfair.
He is thwarted at every turn and he can take it no more,
So he started to sing one last song, and with a mighty roar…
Narrator Two: He got cut off and Captain Thomas “7-Eye” Render VI of Trelenodora and Crew started singing the finale instead.
All in spite of Barin’s now steaming head.
You’re Too Uptight
Render:
No matter what I say or do you always have to find a fault,
You’re too uptight.
You’re as anal as they make ’em, with your emotions in a vault,
You’re too uptight.
You always follow me around,
Much like a freshly trained bloodhound,
Always screaming “I’m a cat!
Or “Bastard! this and “Bastard!” that,
You try to stalk me in the night,
And always itch to start a fight,
Yes you, Barin, are too up-tight.
So won’t you try to mellow out?
I really hate to hear you shout.
Barin:
No I won’t try to mellow out,
And I much like to scream and shout!
Render:
*sigh*
You’re too uptight.
I do my best to lend a hand but you just spit and act all mad,
You’re too uptight.
This whole tough-guy leader pretense is a totally played out fad,
You’re too uptight.
I’m gonna give you one last chance,
But it’s your time to take a stance,
I cannot sit here all day long,
And entertain you with a song,
This one’s just reaching its height,
So come on buddy do what’s right,
Because you, Barin, are too up-tight.
So won’t you yield and just calm down?
I know you’d hate to make me frown.
Barin:
No I won’t yield and just calm down,
And it feels great to see you frown!
Render:
You’re too uptight!
You’re too uptight!
There ain’t no way to set this right,
Not even if I try all night,
You’re too uptight!
Rivers & Enrique:
He’s too uptight!
He’s too uptight!
Let’s get this fool out of our sight,
He’s less appealing than a mite,
He’s too uptight!
Render:
You’re too uptight!
You’re too uptight!
Rivers & Enrique:
La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la,
La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la,
Render:
You’re too uptight!
Rivers & Enrique:
La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la,
La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la,
La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la,
La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la,
La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la,
La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la,
Render & Rivers & Enrique:
Yes you Barin,
Are toooo uuup
Tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight!
Narrator: As the music calms, we come to a choice or two.
Someone’s past will be revealed, but who that is is up to you.
Which Gate Do You Choose?
The Good Captain
Render: Whom do I work for? Where exactly is Trelenodora? How did I get the moniker “7-Eye?” What am I wearing?
The Fusionist:
Rivers: Where did I get my fusion powers… and how did I manage to “betray” Barin and co. exactly?
A God Among Men
Enrique: How is it that I am so insanely super-powerful? And what, exactly, was I doing on the island where I met my compatriots?
The Minotaur King
Jonathan: King?! Where did I come from? And, if I am a king, why did I leave whatever place I am apparently the king of? And why am I really only half minotaur?
A Curious Fellow
Strange Creature: Well, you people really don’t know jack about me at this point in the story. Wouldn’t it be nice to find out something?
An Intimidating Structure
Large Stone Wall: Whooooooooooooo aaaaaaaaaaaaaaam IIIIIIIIIIII? Whyyyyyyy aaaaaaaaaaaam IIIIIIIIIIIIII aaaaaaaaaaaaa waaaaaaaaaaaaall?
This poll ends on November 7.
