The Gates of Life: Chapter 17 – The Musical

Narrator Two: That's right my friends, the gates have fated/That this particular issue be music related.

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Chapter Seventeen:
The Gates of Life: The Musical

Generic: Where are we noooow?

Rivers: Is that a coooow?

Render: What should we doooo?

Enrique: Let’s just say moooo!


Narrator Two: That’s right my friends, the gates have fated

                         That this particular issue be music related.

Narrator: All rules aside, all sense beware.

                If you get confused, well we just don’t care!

Narrator Two: This installment begins where the other left,

                         But you may find that details are somewhat bereft.

Narrator: Again I declare.

                We just do not care.

                Loosen up, you’ll give yourself a heart attack. Jack.

Narrator Two: Now don’t be mean.

                        Let’s just set the scene.

Narrator: Barin and his gang caught up with Captain Thomas “7-Eye” Render VI of Trelenodora and his crew somehow.

                I don’t know, but it just happened; wow.

                Also, Apul got his voice back for this episode.

                Argue with me here and I’ll call you a toad.

Narrator Two: As is the way of musicals that don’t like being wrong,

                         They confronted Captain Thomas “7-Eye” Render VI of Trelenodora and Crew with a song.

Meet the Shadow Stalkers 

Barin

I think we are all in agreement.

Najen

This story has gone way too far.

Dugo

It was supposed to be a serious drama.

Apul

Can you tell me which way to the bar?

Barin

We will not stand for this any longer

Najen

On our souls you have left a large scar

Dugo

We’ll stand together and defeat you.

Apul

Can you tell me which way to the bar?

Barin

Under a new flag we begin our crusade

Najen

A new name you could not hope to mar

Dugo

We now call out selves the “Shadow Stalkers!”

Apul

Can you tell me which way to the bar?

Barin

I was supposed to be the hero of the story.

What in God’s name ever happened to that?

I was going to have love scenes with Najen,

But the author has just left me flat.

Najen

We got turned into some sort of kitten,

By some traitorous psychopath’s balls.

Someone was a tree and there’s a curse on me,

And the author’s plot most certainly appalls.

Dugo

I’m supposed to be the greatest swordsman ever,

But now I’m not even in the top three.

I swing and I slash and I stab and I gash,

But all my opponents are still better than me. (And the author sucks.)

Apul

Can you tell me which way to the bar?

Can you tell me which way to the bar?

I’m sober and I really, really hate this.

Can you tell me which way to the bar?

Barin

I’ll bet you fools aren’t even listening to us.

Najen

That will surely be your undoing.

Dugo

We will be taken seriously, no matter the cost.

Apul

*Hic* An.. bar… mooing…

Narrator: Captain Thomas “7-Eye” Render VI of Trelenodora would not be taken aback.

                He returned their song with another song that would give a weaker man a heart attack.

Captain Thomas “7-Eye” Render You Asunder

Render

You mess

With the wrong guy.

You step up,

When what you should do is die.

Now it’s too late

You’ll get no mercy from me

Beg all you want

Just don’t expect some pity.

I’m gonna Captain Thomas “7-Eye” Render you asunder.

You should pray to the gods to forgive such a blunder.

You had some time to escape,

But you’re such a dumb ape

That you just sit around and wait

For the metaphorical rape.

I’m gonna Captain Thomas “7-Eye” Render you asunder

I won’t even try to quit until you’re 6 feet under.

I will take all of you on,

And Render your crusade gone.

I won’t even have to make use

Of the old “brains over brawn”

I’m gonna Captain Thomas “7-Eye” Render you asunder

Whether I’ll kick your ass, there’s no need to wonder.

I’ve had enough of your crap

And I don’t mean to snap,

But you’re driving me crazy

And I just want to take a nap.

I’m gonna Captain Thomas “7-Eye” Render you asunder.

You may be a dreg but you’re much less useful than dunder.

I’m gonna Captain Thomas “7-Eye” Render you asunder.

You should pray to the gods to forgive such a blunder.

I’m gonna Captain Thomas “7-Eye” Render you asunder.

I won’t even try to quit until you’re 6 feet under.

I’m gonna Captain Thomas “7-Eye” Render you asunder.

Whether I’ll kick your ass, there’s no need to wonder.

I’m gonna Captain Thomas “7-Eye” Render you asunder.

I’m gonna Captain Thomas “7-Eye” Render you asunder…

Narrator Two: The Shadow Stalkers cowered in fear, as rightly they should,

                         And another group seized this opportunity simply because they could.

Narrator: Strange Creature, Large Stone Wall, and Generic felt that they have not been properly represented,

                No one could really blame them, and the author understood why he was resented.

                So all listened closely to this new group’s rhymes,

                To learn more about them and stay with the times.

The Dregs of The Gates of Life

Strange Creature

We are the dregs of the Gates of Life.

Generic

No doubt!

Strange Creature

We are the dregs of the Gates of Life.

Generic

Yo. Yo.

Strange Creature

Lemme introduce my posse

Startin’ off from the biggest,

My home dawg’s made of rock

But he’s still a master jig-est.

Large Stone Wall

Myyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-

Strange Creature

Don’t mean to cut you off bro,

But you’re too slow.

You’s cuttin’ off my flow,

And that means you got to go.

Next up on the list

Is a guy who get my gist,

And acts as a catalyst

For my inner synthesist.

Generic

My names Generic, G.

Some fool created me

But he’s too lazy

For a description, see?

And that’s there story

Explains the fury

Welled up inside me.

Strange Creature

I’m the final dreg here

And I’ll kick you in the rear

Or fill up your soul with fear

If at me you throw a jeer.

Generic

He means it, Jim,

Don’t mess with him!

The last dude who stepped up is now missin’ a limb.

Strange Creature

And now you got the scoop

On all three members of the group.

Before I fly the coop

I got a verse I need to dupe.

We are the dregs of the Gates of Life.

Generic

No doubt!

Strange Creature

We are the dregs of the Gates of Life.

Generic

Yo. Yo.

Strange Creature

We are the dregs of the Gates of Life.

Generic

No doubt!

Strange Creature

We are the dregs of the Gates of Life.

Large Stone Wall

Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooord.

Narrator Two: This song struck a cord

                         With all those who’re bored.

                         Another group decided to try their hand and getting their message out via song.

We Know What Were Doing

 

n00b

I’m so tired, tired, tired of all you arrogant fools.

You think you’re so cool, but you’re a bunch of tools.

Tryn

I’m still hoping, hoping, hoping that I’ll get some respect.

I won’t just sit down and be happy as the comic reject.

n00b & Tryn

We know what we’re doing, damn it.

Take us seriously!

We’re not waxing pathetic, damn it.

Take us seriously!

n00b

I’m a vampire, a blood sucker. Immortal!

Tryn

How cool is that? It warrants a chortle!

n00b & Tryn

We know what we’re doing, damn it.

Take us seriously!

We’ll omnislash your face off, damn it.

Take us seriously!

n00b

I was created by Enrique, I’m at least as cool as he is!

Tryn

No way man, Enrique is amazing.

n00b & Tryn

We know what we’re doing, damn it.

Take us seriously!

Don’t need to rhyme or stay in character, damn it.

Take us seriously!

n00b

I don’t think it’s working. What the hell.

Tryn

Let’s stop and think it over. We’ll rest a spell.

n00b

I don’t even like this song, why do I keep singing?

Tryn

It’s a musical, fool. But, yea, my ears are ringing.

n00b

So lets just end it here. What’s the point in going on?

Tryn

We should at least repeat the chorus. Bambi was a fawn.

n00b & Tryn

We know what we’re doing, damn it.

Take us seriously!

Rhythm and sense don’t own us, damn it.

Take us seriously!

Narrator Two: As if this wasn’t enough,

     Another poet decided to show his stuff.

Narrator: A song from the past, written to a girl.

                Liaunde is her name; this song makes me want to hurl.

Hey Girl

 

Jordan

All my life,

I’ve been lookin’ for a girl like you,

Ev-ry-day,

I’ve been hopin’ that my dream comes true.

Then one day,

I saw you there in sixth period,

(Your) Hair so brown,

Reminiscent of a puddle of mud.

To myself

I thought that this girl was so damn neat,

Wrote a note,

Right on the backa my home work sheet!

(And it said…)

Hey girl!

I think Im in love.

You musta been sent from above.

All the other girls got nothin’ on you,

Theyre all jealous of the things that you do.

The next day,

I walked passed you goin’ down the hall,

(You) Smelled so good

Like the inside of a bathroom stall.

I though then,

There’s no way this girl cannot be mine,

(Caught) Up with you,

In the middle of the school lunch line!

(And I said…)

Hey girl!

I think Im in love.

You musta been sent from above.

All the other girls got nothin on you,

Theyre all jealous of the things that you do.

Hey girl!

You wanna go out?

Say yes so I dont have to pout.

All the other girls got nothin on you,

Please come over here and take off your shoe. (Do you like feet?)

You said yes,

When I asked you if you want to date,

During class,

Is your favorite time to fornicate.

You and I,

At last had our chance for unity,

I don’t mind,

That you’re constantly yellin’ at me!

(I still say…)

Hey girl!

I think Im in love.

You musta been sent from above.

All the other girls got nothin on you,

Theyre all jealous of the things that you do.

Hey girl!

Youre drivin me wild.

Took my life to spicy from mild.

All the other girls got nothin on you,

Your favorite book is “Horton Hears a Who.”

Hey girl!

I think Im in love.

You musta been sent from above.

All the other girls got nothin on you,

Theyre all jealous of the things that you do.

Hey girl!

You wanna go out?

Say yes so I dont have to pout.

All the other girls got nothin on you,

Please come over here and take off your shoe. (No, seriously!)

Hey girl!

I think Im in love.

You musta been sent from above.

*fade out*

Narrator: I think we can all agree on one thing.

                Emo sucks and it is insulting to call what those whiners do “sing.”

Emo Doesnt Suck

 

Rivers

Stop it you jerk,

Stop it right there,

What you’re saying about Emo

Just isn’t fair.

Try as I might,

This just isn’t right,

You insulted my bands,

Now we gotta fight.

Sure I’m your friend,

Been it for long,

But your anti-Emo speech:

Totally wrong.

‘Cause Emo doesn�t suck,

What the F- Heck.

I know that’s lame,

What can you do?

Unless you want the FCC

To put the hurt on you.

We can’t have that,

Not with this song,

This piece is radio quality,

And a wear a sarong.

To the subject,

Back we must go,

I reiterate Emo’s non-sucking,

You belligerent ho.

‘Cause Emo doesn’t suck,

What the F- God damnit.

Wait!

Can you say God?

Oh woe is me!

I think I just lost my chance

For celebrity!

The fact remains,

Despite your act,

Emo’s the greatest thing ever

And that’s a FACT

Talk ’bout too much

Repetition

I said the word “fact” twice

But it sure was fun!

And Emo doesn’t suck,

YOU suck.

Narrator Two: Well defended friend, but it seems we have gotten of topic.

                         By the way, the authors eyes are myopic.

Narrator: But wait, it seems someone else has something to say.

                A minotaur singing? I never thought I’d see the day.

What’s a Minotaur To Do?

 

Jonathan

Don’t look so shocked,

Of course I can sing.

In times like these a minotaur must expand his talents.

My fate is locked,

It can’t be my thing,

To just continue running around goring people.

Wrestlers do it.

What the hell.

Goring is not just for minotaurs anymore.

So now I ask,

What do you expect me to do?

What’s a minotaur left to do but… siiiing.

What’s a minotaur to do?

What is a min-o-taur to doooo?

What’s a minotaur to do buuuut siiiiiiing.

So I sing of flower and trees and glorious things,

But then my past catches up with me�

I sing of gore,

And I sing of goring,

And I also am willing to bet no one reading these lyrics

Can figure out how the frig to sing this song.

You may think you have it

But yooou’d beeee wroooong!

That’s really okay.

In fact, I don’t care.

My minotaur nature forbids it.

But despite nature, or nurture, or any psychological thing

This minotaur is going to…

Continue to…

Siiiiiiiiiiing.

Narrator Two: Who hasn’t sung yet? Anyone?

Oh my goodness, it’s Enrique! The fun has begun!

Good Times

 

Enrique

Moo.

Moo-moo.

Moo.

Moo moo

BASTARD!

Moo.

Moo moo

BASTARD BASTARD ghey.

Moo.

Moo moo

BASTARD ghey haaaaaa.

Moo.

Moo moo

Notta notta sup?

Moo.

Moo moo

Good times.

Moo.

Moo moo

Good times.

Moo.

Moo moo

BASTARD BASTARD fun.

Moo.

Moo moo

Amazing fun.

Moo.

Moo moo

Uhhhhhhh

Moo.

Moo moo

Sup sup sup.

Moo.

Moo moo

Haaaaaaaaa!

Moo.

Moo moo

Good times.

Moo.

Moo moo

Good times.

Moo.

Moo moo

Sup notta notta.

Moo.

Moo moo

Ghey fun BASTARD.

Moo.

Moo moo

Amazing.

Moo.

Moo moo

Sup notta fun.

Moo.

Moo moo

Totally.

Moo.

Moo moo

Good times.

Moo.

Moo moo

Good times.

Moo.

Moo moo

Adios.

Narrator: It seems all of the fun and games had Barin fumin’

                He started stomping and shouting with his voice a’boomin’

                The ruination of his vision is too much for him to bear.

                And even worse is the fact that this new world seems so unfair.

                He is thwarted at every turn and he can take it no more,

                So he started to sing one last song, and with a mighty roar…

Narrator Two: He got cut off and Captain Thomas “7-Eye” Render VI of Trelenodora and Crew started singing the finale instead.

                        All in spite of Barin’s now steaming head.

You’re Too Uptight

 

Render:

No matter what I say or do you always have to find a fault,

You’re too uptight.

You’re as anal as they make ’em, with your emotions in a vault,

You’re too uptight.

You always follow me around,

Much like a freshly trained bloodhound,

Always screaming “I’m a cat!

Or “Bastard! this and “Bastard!” that,

You try to stalk me in the night,

And always itch to start a fight,

Yes you, Barin, are too up-tight.

So won’t you try to mellow out?

I really hate to hear you shout.

Barin:

No I won’t try to mellow out,

And I much like to scream and shout!

Render:

*sigh*

You’re too uptight.

I do my best to lend a hand but you just spit and act all mad,

You’re too uptight.

This whole tough-guy leader pretense is a totally played out fad,

You’re too uptight.

I’m gonna give you one last chance,

But it’s your time to take a stance,

I cannot sit here all day long,

And entertain you with a song,

This one’s just reaching its height,

So come on buddy do what’s right,

Because you, Barin, are too up-tight.

So won’t you yield and just calm down?

I know you’d hate to make me frown.

Barin:

No I won’t yield and just calm down,

And it feels great to see you frown!

Render:

You’re too uptight!

You’re too uptight!

There ain’t no way to set this right,

Not even if I try all night,

You’re too uptight!

Rivers & Enrique:

He’s too uptight!

He’s too uptight!

Let’s get this fool out of our sight,

He’s less appealing than a mite,

He’s too uptight!

Render:

You’re too uptight!

You’re too uptight!

Rivers & Enrique:

La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la,

La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la,

Render:

You’re too uptight!

Rivers & Enrique:

La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la,

La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la,

La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la,

La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la,

La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la,

La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la,

Render & Rivers & Enrique:

Yes you Barin,

Are toooo uuup

Tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight!

Narrator: As the music calms, we come to a choice or two.

                Someone’s past will be revealed, but who that is is up to you.


Which Gate Do You Choose?

The Good Captain

Render: Whom do I work for? Where exactly is Trelenodora? How did I get the moniker “7-Eye?” What am I wearing?

The Fusionist:

Rivers: Where did I get my fusion powers… and how did I manage to “betray” Barin and co. exactly?

A God Among Men

Enrique: How is it that I am so insanely super-powerful? And what, exactly, was I doing on the island where I met my compatriots?

The Minotaur King

Jonathan: King?! Where did I come from? And, if I am a king, why did I leave whatever place I am apparently the king of? And why am I really only half minotaur?

A Curious Fellow

Strange Creature: Well, you people really don’t know jack about me at this point in the story. Wouldn’t it be nice to find out something?

An Intimidating Structure

Large Stone Wall: Whooooooooooooo aaaaaaaaaaaaaaam IIIIIIIIIIII? Whyyyyyyy aaaaaaaaaaaam IIIIIIIIIIIIII aaaaaaaaaaaaa waaaaaaaaaaaaall?

This poll ends on November 7.

3 votes, average: 8.67 out of 103 votes, average: 8.67 out of 103 votes, average: 8.67 out of 103 votes, average: 8.67 out of 103 votes, average: 8.67 out of 103 votes, average: 8.67 out of 103 votes, average: 8.67 out of 103 votes, average: 8.67 out of 103 votes, average: 8.67 out of 103 votes, average: 8.67 out of 10 (You need to be a registered member to rate this post.)
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